超人 – 張衛健

詞:吳向飛
曲:伍仲衡
主唱:張衛健

明明是一個脆弱不堪的靈魂
卻為你心甘情願變身為超人
愛的 精疲力盡
才明白我並不是無所不能

也許因為我的天資不夠
算不出來什麼時候會分
肉體凡身
憑什麼 想要你愛我一生

逝去的青春 就像我們
曾經留給對方的傷痕
兩個人無話不說再到最後陌生
我想我都可以去忍

路上的燈 看著我們
冒著雨 在情節裡飛奔
希望有個人
能明白 我的眼淚
和我的後半生

陪著你走過五彩斑斕的世界
不代表我就擁有過你的一切
謝謝 你的告別
可以帶給我這麼多感覺

也許因為我的天資不夠
體會不到 你對我的體貼
但是可能
你對我 並沒有那麼了解

逝去的青春 就像我們
曾經留給對方的傷痕
兩個人無話不說再到最後陌生
我想我都可以去忍

路上的燈 看著我們
冒著雨 在情節裡飛奔
希望有個人
能明白 我的眼淚
和我的後半生

曾經站在大雨中 等了又等
為了你扮鬼臉活躍氣氛
你說天氣太冷我馬上 引火燒身

那段青春 就像我們
曾經留給對方的傷痕
兩個人無話不說再到最後陌生
我想我都可以去忍

路上的燈 看著我們
冒著雨 在情節裡飛奔
希望有個人
能明白 我的眼淚
和我的後半生

原來我一開始 就陷的
那麼深

Spread the Love – February 2016

After my elder brother moved to his new house, he took along most of the essential stuff but left many things behind. Somehow, my mum moved into the room almost immediately together with some of her belonging. I couldn’t stand the mess and it was actually very dusty. Therefore, I tried to pack the stuffs and put them into boxes and plastic bags. Then, Gilbert gave me a lift over to Marsiling.

I had a one-day low key reservist. It was, in fact, more of a national education tour. We were ferried to the city area and had to walk under the torching sun to complete some tasks. As usual, Fabian was the hero who picked Terry and I up from the nearest MRT station and dropped us at Hougang MRT after the end of the ICT.

On the day of my elder brother’s housewarming for a few close relatives, we had dinner at a nearby coffee shop. “We” ordered some expensive seafood dishes and my uncle paid for the meal. It was a guilty meal. I simply don’t have a stomach to fill any expensive food and I didn’t like any food with shell or tiny bones.

Spread the Love – January 2016

For Jun’s photoshoot, Cherie and Ahpa helped me out as assistants. Although my lighting equipment did fall during the shoot, I was glad that I had two assistants to prevent more falling.

I had a short meet-up with Guoxin and Kachua and Guoxin treated me to the drinks again.

One of my previous corporate clients, Misys, returned to me for their event shoot. I appreciated them for liking my work that they approached me again. I managed to get an even more fabulous event portfolio even though I didn’t have time to upload them.

I had a swim with Gilbert and Wanling at YMCA. Besides chauffeuring us over to YMCA, he drove over to pick Shuh up to have dinner together. I felt bad for he had to pay for the petrol and it was tiring to drive.

At the end of the gathering with my group of volunteer friends, Ahpa passed me a singlet that she bought during her holidays. It was to reciprocate for the MacDonald’s treat that I gave her the night before the shoot with Jun. I even thought that supper was a miserable treat for her help.

Year 2015 – On the Verge of Breaking Down

Relationship

The most significant changes of the year was the removal of my “single” status. I was never ready to be grounded because reality was cruel and that money was as important as oxygen in Singapore; I didn’t want to take up responsibility that I couldn’t shoulder. Without money, I didn’t have time. For the past countless number of years, I had been alone not because I hadn’t met any nice girl, but because I wasn’t ready and thus didn’t take any action. In year 2015, while career was still vague, I still wasn’t ready yet.

As a photographer, I had countless interaction with pretty and hot girls. Most people would probably think that I was a typical superficial guy who would only go for “super model” type of girls with hourglass figure and flawless looks. Looks would fade but every aspect I loved about her would stay. She wasn’t my ideal type of girl by looks for I had always favoured the athletic build or “SYT” types of girls but her intelligence proved to be more tempting. Nobody could understand me more than her, although nothing and no one was perfect. She had also showed her thoughtfulness and tolerance towards me. Our communication was great and it was rare for anyone to achieve that with me. She had been my personal doctor and English tutor, displaying her excessive talents and appreciation for her imperfect boyfriend.

The biggest problem was that she was extremely clingy, which I liked, yet couldn’t afford to enjoy due to work. My mum often acted as if I was jobless, in fact, she treated any job without CPF contribution from a boss not a job. Therefore, the amount of time I had to spend on the two women was really killing me and sometimes I wished I could just give up on everything and laze around at home just to entertain both of them. There was a few times we got to meet each other for seven days straight. She was also a superwoman who could multitask and text me regularly. Work got piled up as my production rate declined badly. I couldn’t do some of my internet marketing work while I was forced to delay some essential tasks, such as posting my work within the golden hours. My private photographs taken with friends during outing would be delayed for many months before I could squeeze some time to work on them. Whenever she behaved like a little girl while showing her appreciation to me for doing some things, I felt more pressurized than ever for she was unintentionally expecting me to do even more when I had already pushed myself to the limit. Her optimism was a double edged sword for the positiveness would influence me; however, she took things far too easily, which differed from my style of doing things.

The journey to adapt to each other’s flaws proceeded beyond the end of the year.

Family

I continued to be the free receptionist of the family since I was at home most of the time. Everyone, except my mum, had been purchasing items online and the delivery-men would trigger the dogs’ (Luckie and the neighbour’s crazy dog) barking often. Salesmen, surveyors, flyer distributors and retired neighbours were culprits too. No matter how much you loved a dog, sudden loud barks would definitely make you “jump”. I was also abused by telephone calls from weird friends of my family even though everyone already had a mobile phone to attend to their friends. Luckie continued to bother me by waking me up with his barking and then pestering me either for food or to bring him down for a walk. My only break-time was when my elder brother reached home and until my sister-in-law went to sleep – Luckie would be locked out of the bedroom, which finally saw a change for the later half of the year. My mum would even call me just to check the location of anyone or if she had forgotten to switch any appliance off. Very often, she would also turn back to the gate after leaving home to ask me to pass her her forgotten items like mobile phone or keys. Instead of calling my mum directly, my elder brother would sometimes text me to tell my mum when he wasn’t coming home for dinner. Despite my mum would always go to my younger brother to seek help, nobody realised I was the one who had spent most time entertaining her since my elder brother would be inside the room whenever he was at home while my younger brother was not at home most of the time and slept before my mum got home from work. I was the one who had to listen to her grandma stories multiple times because she would tell me directly, loud over the phone to her many friends and then to my siblings. I even had to answer to my mum over any new or misplaced item in the house since I was home most of the time and she expected everyone to notify me everything. The list of problems was too long to be remembered. The perfect job of working from home was soiled badly, affecting the progress of my work.

The harmony was shaken a few times throughout the year in the low income family, having too many people squeezing inside a small house of two bedrooms. The biggest argument was about fairness. We spoke up our minds and finally, around five years since Luckie joined our family, my elder brother started allowing him to sleep inside the bedroom instead of bothering me at night when I was working.

My younger brother had his own way of pampering my mum that I totally couldn’t agree on, because it caused my mum to be extremely over relying on us while he wasn’t at home most of the time. My mum was often simply behaving like a kid and thus it was definitely more challenging. Being filial didn’t have to be overdone, even though most people would agree to over-pampering her since they didn’t know the full scenario. I was the quiet observer in my house who stayed at home most of the time and nobody knew what was going on better than me. I knew there should be a limit to everything and besides, I had my own limit too. To put it in simple words, I wasn’t as capable as my younger brother in term of money-making and I really sucked at it.

Friends

I owed a lot to Gilbert. He appeared most of the time in my monthly hero list. Often, I felt stressed for I knew I could never help him as much as how he had helped me, including all the small kind gestures.

The most depressing thing was when I tried to get back the money I lent to my old buddy years ago for his marriage, he suggested paying me back through installment but didn’t even make the first payment. I often recalled that time when he promised me to return me around two months once he received his salary, it dragged on for countless years without receiving any cent from him while his son was already three years old. The most ridiculous fact was I was probably the lowest income earner in our group of friends and I was the only one who lent him a hand. I felt betrayed and it caused me sleepless nights. I learned to be more careful with whom to help in future.

I made new friends through photography but unfortunately, I didn’t have time to meet up with most of my old friends. It was such a pity to drift away from friends who had been through a lot with me in the past. There were only a few volleyball games and thus I could only meet up with the guys once every few months.

Work

My tuition agency was giving me more headache than ever. Apart from the daily chores, I also had to build up on security for the website. It was endless trouble that most people wouldn’t know the effort and doing things behind the scene was making me feel helpless and unappreciated. The problem was that I could see many things had to be done but it was going to be a hell lots of work. All the automation and information would require time to work on, and yet without doing them, I would be doing some same boring stuff often. To sum up, the effort and time I had spent on the business overwhelmed the revenue. Eventually, it was years of effort that I couldn’t give up.

There was some slight improvement in my photography work but it didn’t make much difference though. The fund generated was not even sufficient to cover up the cost of buying the equipment. I couldn’t take up too many projects for the time I had to spend on post-production was too much. I spent more time on marketing than the actual shootings. Although I did meet many kind clients and nice models, I had also encountered many time-wasters online, in fact, more of the latter.

Fallback in Photography

I got badly slashed on the route to expand my photography portfolio when one of my younger brother’s friends showed her true colours. During the early days of my photography journey, she volunteered to collaborate with me for a couple shoot with her then boyfriend. As she was an educator and they were together for quite long, I didn’t anticipate any problem. I spent weeks to do professional post-processing work for the album and gave her ridiculously large amount of photos that would cost over three grands for the standard. Obviously, in the name of building a portfolio for couple shoot, it benefited the couple much more.

Unfortunately, they broke up a couple of years later and she asked me to remove the photos entirely because it would somehow hurt her whenever she got to see them, like as if she would even visit my portfolio. I explained to her professionally, including the fact that male and female models who didn’t know each other would take up couple shoot projects together. She probably knew the facts that I had the copyrights over the photos even though I didn’t raise the point, and she resorted in using bitchy lines to try to insult my professionalism. She was so disgusting that I could feel the chill deep inside my bones that I decided to take down the photos because having a bitch inside my portfolio would tarnish my reputation – not because I was afraid of putting my younger brother in a difficult position or what.

Alas, she got what she wanted, from the start, a free professional couple shoot which many young couple were dying for and yet couldn’t afford, and eventually, the removal of the professional work when she no longer thought they were useful to her. However, this spoiled brat had also displayed her true self – someone who could be very nice to friends during good days but could do anything to them if they were to go against her childish demands, especially during bad days.

It was a gigantic damage to me because the shoot covered three locations and I had been trying to do photoshoot in different parts of Singapore to add to my list of beautiful places in Singapore. I could persuade my clients to shoot at the same locations but every shoot would occupy weeks of my time and I could only take up a few shoots per month.

Another hurtful thing was some friends took pity of the bitch just because she broke up with her boyfriend, likely due to having different directions in life and definitely not due to any unfaithfulness. None had considered the effort and time I had put in for the entire album of over 70 professionally fully edited photos for the couple who didn’t have professional hairstyling and makeup on when the gentleman had quite bad complexion. The travelling around with the heavy photography equipment and the weeks of frustrating effort to produce the final work were taken granted for. Even the lady who had insisted me in doing commercial standard of editing photos was soft on the bitch. Even though at this point of time, my equipment and skill in photography had already far exceeded the quality of that album, the master pieces of work were already better than most of the outdoor pre-wedding shoot albums I saw in Facebook.

Finance

Despite doing freelance photography, the income generated from the shoots was entirely spent on equipment upgrades and replacement. My main income source was from the tuition agency, which could hardly cover my monthly expenditure. Dating put further pressure on me even though my girlfriend wasn’t the type of girl who would demand good food and branded stuff. From a near zero spending staying at home to having to spend for two people made a very big difference.

My younger brother unintentionally placed huge burden and pressure on me since years ago by upping the sum of contribution to the household. I had to turn down wedding invitations and I didn’t even want to renew the ridiculously expensive Singapore passport. Years of having extremely low income together with the high expenses was a torment to my brain. The most ridiculous thing was that my monthly contribution to the family and mum was a few times higher than the combination of my elder brother and his wife’s, while their combined income was a few times higher than mine. Their reason was they had to save up for their new house. Nobody had probably given a thought that I had to save up for marriage and to get myself a house, which I was dying for, in near future as well.

While my mum’s fiance health was extremely good with the extra contribution from my younger brother, nobody seemed to know what she had been spending the money on other than lottery. Often, when I came to know that she had bought useless things after being conned by strangers or friends, I would feel very upset because I couldn’t even bear to pay for some essential things for myself; even when I had to carry 18 kilograms of bulky equipment out for work, I would rather risk injuring or over-exhausting myself than to spend money on cab.

I didn’t know how I managed to survive as there were months that I had to “eat into” my saving.

Volleyball

Weitat organised and paid for using the indoor court at the OCBC Arena a few times. However, my shoulder and feet injuries (could be plantar fasciitis) made me a cripple during my last two games with them. It was terrible to feel the pain before I could even take off to do spiking. I couldn’t jump to my usual height and even if I could reach the peak, my shoulder injury forbid me from doing the swing to hit the ball. It was pretty useless to explain about my conditions when everything I said was treated as an excuse, or at least I didn’t appreciate much of the sarcasm.

Alas, I was also quite unlucky that I was always placed in the same team as one of the most competitive and inconsiderate guys. He played as the setter most of the time and I didn’t get to spike even when I was playing as the main spiker. When I was lucky, he had no choice but to set the ball to me, which happened at most twice during every set of game out of 25 points. Since it was a “no choice” situation, the ball was always delivered badly while I had already given up and thus unprepared. Playing volleyball under such situation killed my confidence. Besides, he was quite a show-off and decided to waste lots of opportunities by dropping the second ball over, as if he had a high scoring rate. Of course, I didn’t voice out since I didn’t want to make anyone feel stress or awkward over such leisure games. I hated being there just to make up the number although my main motive was to spend time with them.

Health

I got seriously ill for only a couple of times, which was much better compared to the previous years. However, more injuries plagued me as it further affected my mood for the worse. My right shoulder and feet injuries were the main devils while my girlfriend was able to reduce the pain of my back injury with her skill learned from a Taiwanese physician. She also brought me to a Chinese physician at Ang Mo Kio who further eased the pain caused by my back injury. I felt weak as all the injuries restricted my freedom of movements.

2015 was certainly one of the worst years ever. I was mentally stabbed and robbed of my calmness and patience. There were many lessons to learn from and the most important thing was become stronger and not give in to shit.

Spread the Love – December 2015

I made my second trip to the National Gallery Singapore just to accompany Gilbert. He insisted on giving me a good treat besides sending me to and fro my place. He always made excuses to pay for the bill because he knew I was not doing very well. I could have walked over to his office before the trip but he thought it was raining and thus more convenient to drive over instead. I was not sure if that would trigger an extra extortion from the bloody ERP system to his cashcard or he could have skipped all ERP system along the route to our venue.

I accompanied Jonathan Siah to look at a printer and then to the clinic. Before going home, he gave me a treat at Tiong Bahru Market before dropping me near my house.

I had breakfast with my mum and auntie Chwee Lian before going to her eldest son’s house for an interior shoot. Auntie Chwee Lian insisted in giving us a treat at the market.

At the end of an event shoot for my client, Eunice Seah, the couple gave me a lift to the nearest MRT station. Even though the distance was probably less than 500 metres away, it was raining.

Weitat organised and booked indoor volleyball games twice at OCBC arena. If it was not because of him, we would not be able to gather and play the game. It was not just about the money (court fee of $60) but also the trouble. He also took the trouble to give me a lift home as usual.

After one of the volleyball game sessions, we had our dinner at Newton Circle. Our favourite uncle and auntie insisted in giving everyone a treat at the end of the dinner. It was a very expensive meal for two people to foot but they would fight over the bill with us every time without fail, making us feel very guilty.

For my photoshoot with Kaijun, Ahpa came down specially from Johor Bahru to lend a hand, partly because it was a sexy boudoir shoot that I would need a female escort to make the model feel safer. Cherie was another angel who approached me to become my assistant just a day before the shoot. I was also thankful to Kaijun for approaching and trusting me as well. Despite things did not go as planned because our planned venue was cornered off by the police and that the sun was giving me headaches by the time we reached the beach, I had fun working with three of them. My lighting equipment fell though.

My December 2015 was filled with love from many good people.

Spread the Love – November 2015

Every November, I was overwhelmed by love because it was my birthday month. It was good to receive greeting messages from friends for it was a good chance to catch up with them. Of course, I was unable to list down everyone’s name but I was very thankful to them for bothering to message me.

My younger brother did the arrangement for a feast at CHIJMES and also bought me a cake.

Gilbert and I had our birthday celebration held together as usual. However, Gilbert did all the hard work to book a staycation at Siloso Beach Resort and also bought all the necessary items.

Spread the Love – October 2015

During our meet-up at Bishan after my interior shoot at Sky Habitat, Gilbert tried to give a dinner treat again. He chauffeured everyone to the next location “Wimbly Lu” for dessert and selflessly sent me home after that. Eventually, he got fined for probably parking at the wrong spot and remained calm instead of grumbling.

On the very same day, Wanling had given Gilbert and I our advance birthday presents. One of the items was a very well ergonomic coin pouch, which I would be keeping it until my existing one, made by my mum, decides to die on me. She also gave me another keychain with a picture of a Dachshund, which was very thoughtful of her.

Both of them are my rare buddies who are always ready to share their joy with me.

Spread the Love – September 2015

Almost every September was my busiest month of the year due to reservist. I had to wake up before the sun came up and waste my entire day in the camp, only to be able to rush my work at night. This time round, I had two reservist – one low and one high key.

I was fortunate to have a few good reservist-mates. The most important man was Fabian, the driver; without him, travelling inside the camp was a pain in the ass. Sometimes, he also dropped us at the MRT station. I was glad that the regulars were being very kind to us as well.

Spread the Love – August 2015

Gilbert signed me into the Fitness First gym at Clementi. He insisted in giving me a treat for lunch after that. After the second trip, we had lunch together again and I snatched over the bill. He ended up buying a gift for me. Gilbert was such a kind friend who would rather give than to take from his friends.

My voluntary group finally gathered for a project. This time, we went to Windsor Convalescent, which was a private old folks’ home that was sandwiched between the government funded and “high class” private ones in term of finance aid. Everyone of my team was a hero for that day! Yongsheng’s presence was crucial as he took the lead in playing games with the residents when we were quite lost. Yonghao also took the trouble to give a lot of us a lift. The rest of the heroes include Huiting, Shengyang, Baoyu, Nancy, Julia, Jiayu, Stephanie, Shuh, Yongfeng, Huiting’s friends and Yonghao’s friends.

I did my second voluntary work for the month by helping Huiting with her Bishan Home event. As the main photographer of the event, I was able to observe the entire event clearly. Most of the nurses of the home were foreigners but I could see from their enthusiasm and closeness with the residents that they were working with their hearts. I appreciated their effort.

I finally renewed my mobile phone plan’s contract and got myself a new phone. Since I had already planned to get Sony Xperia Z3 instead of the newer model, Xperia Z3+, I had already bought the tempered glass screen protector from eBay weeks before that. It happened that the protector arrived on the very next day. With the minor setback from sticking the screen protector onto my previous phone, Samsung Note 2, I decided to get my elder brother to help me this time. He spent quite some time working on it and produced a good job.

Shuh and I arranged to spend a day at the National Library to do work. We tried to rope Titus in since I knew he was a regular there. He joined us in the afternoon and took care of our belonging when we went for late lunch. In the evening, he took us for dinner and gave us advice.