Tough battle

Isn’t life full of guilt even though you’ve tried everything hard?

I can do my leashing on the load faster and better than most people but I still fail the test. It was due to carelessness that I didn’t check the rope went out of alignment. Speed is useless, for my current timing improves from six minutes plus to five minutes plus. I’ve let Mr. Ong down, and really feel ashamed to look at him each time. It isn’t about the money he’ll get for the first time pass of his students, but the pride he deserves. My confidence fails me once again.

My freedom is near if I manage to pass the upcoming driving test and if I don’t pass it in the first try, I’ll be letting Mr. Low down. Stress is when people treat you too nice and you’re afraid to fail them.

I don’t want to stay there for another two weeks because time is too precious for me to waste. I must complete the course by scheduled time – 4th April, 2005.

Back to the past

I tried very hard but I still failed to conquer time. It took great effort for a tired man to get on to his work, especially with designing.

I wanted to use more graphics and the thought of the tedious work seemed to exhaust my mind instantly. Somehow, my new ideas didn’t match my theme, which hesitated me a lot during the process. Then I realised I had vague impression of the coding.

My only distraction was the television set for my chat programs were deadly quiet. It was true that my friends had drawn away from me, since I wasn’t the type who would initiate chats as I was always busy.

I stormed through the night to drag on my new site design slowly, until around 4am. Although I woke up soon after daylight and was tired, I was happy to taste the same kind of lifestyle that was before my enlistment. One night was good enough.

Be with me

You lend me a little time and I’ll build up my confident for you. I’ll stop all my naive acts and concentrate to be a better man. I’ll be your hero, I’ll light up your days, I’ll do my best to fit into your lifestyle and you can try to adapt to mine.

I can speak your language, I can carry your loads and I can piggyback you. I want to be your shiniest star and I wish to share your burdens. If you never try, you’ll never know that I can live my life for you.

In search

Where are you my girl for I haven’t heard from you for a long time? All I can do is to look at our photos and scan through my memories. I might be a hopeless case, too addicted to you, but never a nuisance, as to keep a better image in your heart.

I can be a good actor to hide my feeling and I can be childish to boost my pride, I can think of you throughout the night, I can deceive myself that I don’t care.

Where are you my girl? I’m thinking of you when I feel so ill. Where are you my princess? I’m breaking down all for you.

I wish and would be contented if you at least miss me for a second.

Tired

Last night, I didn’t even have enough time to touch on my work before I dozed off. It was so long since I last had dinner together with my family. Maintaining friendship and family ties at such days was difficult. I could hardly catch a breathe.

No doubt, I can’t please everyone well because people nowadays judge without deep thoughts. I’m facing the fact of life so heart-breaking, with so many inconsiderate people and friends who I can’t blame because sometimes I fail to explore minds too.

I close my eyes, so tired that I’ve to rethink upon each thought. My only motivation is the passing out from my course in two to four weeks’ time, when I can finally save my friday nights from the wasteful army life.

Tired, I’m dozing off while standing in the train, too shag to think now.

Endure the pain

The feet ache badly and sometimes movement is difficult. The knees are never as weak, so useless that there’s always some minor pain upon each strengthless step. And soon comes the backache, swiftly taken over sovereignty after its long exile.

Pressing on with the exhausted body, it seems challenging yet stupid. The worst thing is when one doesn’t know of his own limits, that would definitely lead to torments and damages to health.

When you can’t back out, for some reasons you want to help others, remain silent and endure.

Never like before

I was so lost when they asked me about my coach. I hadn’t seen him for so long. He didn’t give me much coaching and it wasn’t long after I joined the team, he stopped going down.

No matter how biased or selfish he was, I didn’t want to disgrace him. I didn’t have good games, and my dropped skill disgusted myself.

Without fail, Mingfa consoled me that it was due to lack of practise, but I thought otherwise, because I had seen many experts retaining their skill after lost of contact with the ball. If they could do it, why couldn’t I?

It was pointless to give excuses like my shoes didn’t have enough friction, there were reflection of light on my spectacle, I had less than three hours of sleep the night before, or my legs were injured.

I should be experienced enough to overcome them.

Plan to escape

I’m far behind from freedom, too lack of time to accomplish my dreams.

Often, my stream of tiredness and laziness are overcome for the sake of my good friends; I don’t feel like going out for my brain full of ideas to be taken down in time, but I ignore my work. I walk like a zombie, too lack of sleep for any excitement. I really don’t know if my sacrifice worth because my presence doesn’t seem to light up the crowd.

I wish to make full use of my little free time, at least to recuperate my sleep; I’ve more to do, other than to wait for replies. I want so much to get out of this.

Craving for

What’s happy? Is it smiling? Is it excitement? Maybe, it’s satisfaction or maybe just a humour.

How long can happiness last? Why don’t I seem to be able to keep mine? Perhaps, I often forget to stay happy, not only for miseries but also tiredness. Every luck I gain doesn’t feed me for more than a week, vanishing at a steady speed that I don’t notice it at all.

Does “not sad” mean happy? Doesn’t happiness of others bring me happiness? How do I find my happiness? Does exhaustion kill happy? Does bringing inconvenience to others slay happy? Does lonesome repel happy? Does staying happy in bad times mean fooling myself?

Who’s there to give me happiness?

My own rhythm

I didn’t expect to see an open area dancing ground for public in Singapore, not as grand as celebrations, but enough to stimulate my excitement. Tens of people moving and turning in steps, with momentum and energy was so pleasing to the sight. Each of them seemed too carefree for me to envy, so much youths in their ages and so much fun with their cheers.

I’ve unlimited work and dreams to fight for, so heavily packed and distorted each day. But one day I’d escape and dance to my rhythm, where I hear nothing from others, no criticise, no forging, just simply my footsteps.