The stock market

As I forecasted, it was another tiring week for me.

Having not enough sleep for the first night, things seemed to get better suddenly when work were allocated and shared.

Unexpectedly, the guard mounting was carried out with 3 excused personnel. The rain came too early in the morning to cancel it. I stood like a fool behind, too unfamiliar with the rifle. If you had looked into the parade square, you’d most probably be laughing till you roll on the floor.

I could have rested enough as a sentry but one of the prowlers sprained his ankle. I ended up rotating only with the sentry at the gate, without the counter job. Two hours of standing each time seemed more than two days of torture. My feet hurt just like when I first got all my legs’ problems. Though the SBO and rifle used to be light to me, but no longer could I endure my injuries. How disgusting was the army to torture injured and sick soldiers.

To kill time, I chatted a lot with Hong Kiat, who I found out was actually in the same company as me during BMT and that he was Fengjie’s good friend. I also witnessed how serious Wah Chuan could be when he was at work, as the guard commander – I used to think he was quite childish. It was a relax night with friends around and some entertainments from the officers. They were encouraged to drink more with all the cheap alcoholic drinks, which I found it weird.

The RPs were late on purpose I supposed as their officer was on MC. I was the last man behind due to them taking their own sweet time to change the shift. I went to send the arm back and then found an empty bunk with Kwang Han, where we had our guard rest. After taking a bath, I dozed off like a corpse. If it wasn’t for Kwang Han, I’d have missed my lunch.

I was back to the office in the afternoon, where everyone (almost) somehow was motivated to work. We took a break and some went out of the room. It was most probably yet another (as usual) boring day I supposed and 007 decided to step into the office. He indirectly accused me of sleeping because I looked shag. I was too restless to entertain him with my skin-peeling face, dried lips, cough, flu, ears block and stomache.

He gave lots of feedbacks; some actually was reasonable, but ugly in his cocky face and tone. He told Chen De to talk to Shep about the INet but he complained immediately to her once he left. To me, it was alright to remove the INet access since some people had been hooking on to the computer instead of doing work, but of course it would be unfair for night duty personnel.

Life would be tougher in future. It went up and down like the stock market, but more of a downwards trend currently. I hated to be lectured when things went beyond control.

You know it why

Sometimes just feel like having someone to talk to. You’re not around. You can’t be free for me. You want to know why but I want to know more. I can’t say I miss you.

This distance is too fragile to break. I’m far away from you and I never want it further. This is the tile I’m standing on, and I’d rather watch you from here than to make you walk away.

2215h

I don’t know why it must be me again. Everyone can find their own excuses to escape all the shit.

I’m having such a bad sore throat, flu and cough. The gastric pain comes on and off, though they’re minor ones, I don’t want to risk my health because of ***. I’m not going to be a fool like Staff Rueben Ow. I’m not even getting a quarter of his pay. Most importantly, none of the officers or colleague would appreciate.

I climbed the stairs like a charity performance, trying to gain sympathy to raise funds. I brought 5 projectors up, all by myself in my empty stomach. My knees ached, with the invalidity of the one month excuse RMJ and heavy load status. The welfare was just bullshit.

I did tell them of my illness and injuries, and they knew I had guard duty for the next day. I had told them I couldn’t stay because I couldn’t even go home or even catch a wink the next night. They turned a deaf ear.

So what my guard mounting duty would be covered up tomorrow and I needed not do it for Chen De the next week? The guard mounting wouldn’t be conducted with injured soldiers and most probably, it’s going to rain again. So what I could report 2 hours later to the officer the next day? I still have the guard meeting. It just doesn’t worth it, at least to me, that I want to go home on time without the dirty privileges.

It’s useless to speak up. I just play by my luck. If one day I ever break down, someone please voice out and testify against the ***. Bring whoever so selfish and inconsiderate to enlightenment, put them to shame and let them suffer like me, maybe just half would do.

Paint me

The sun had been so strong and the clouds played evil. Sky was so clear and each beam of light seemed like a stroke of the brush, painting my skin red.

I like the colour, but not the pain, especially on my face. Maybe I should like the pain as well, then I’ll be a sadist; someone who would eventually enjoy his life a lot with all the bruises, cut, swollen – inside heart.

I’m so crazy; I feel like melting. In a few more hours’ time, I’ve to smile fakery in front of the actors again. All the shit will come back and all the ugliness will be seen.

I’m feeling so sick. 24 hours ago my throat hurt even without swallowing any food or saliva. Now that I’m having a running nose, I feel so frustrated. Yet, I can’t go to the doctor because I don’t want my back to bleed again.

Speak up

You know – it’s going to be sad if someone doubts you after you’ve tried your best and even put in the best thoughts for him or her.

People who are older or more experienced or successful would definitely advise you to persist on. But does it worth to waste your time on someone who doesn’t even have the patience to listen to you? It’s best to keep quiet if you don’t have power to overcome a group of people who are so united when their deeds are being untold, or if you’re just too kind to let them have their retribution. Just shut up.

When people often ask you to speak up, say nothing you think need to redress. Everyone just expects sweet talks; at least in their minds they hope you’ll say only something nice.

As usual

Finally it didn’t rain. It had been hot the whole afternoon and I could hardly stare into the sky.

As usual, some friends failed to turn up; some even kept quiet about not going. I felt stupid reaching on time, waiting down there alone, then started calling everyone using my phone. I took out my notebook and strike off names one by one. It wasn’t fun, until I realised I had to wait for only 2 persons.

It should be another big group outing, not when they weren’t enthusiastic anymore. I dropped the idea of going to Palawan beach, to join Mingfa and Weitat at Sunsetbay. And while waiting for Kok Chiang who arrived almost an hour later, I started staring at a girl a distance away. I couldn’t make out if she was pretty, but my furiousness made me bolder than ever, making it a fun game.

The pain on my right shoulder was back. With my fragile back and shaky knee caps, I couldn’t play good games. The jumper’s strap was useless when it couldn’t keep in position without slipping down. At least my gastric pain was much better after taking medication. I felt so useless with my poor body.

The place call HELL

I’m totally disappointed. I’m being stabbed all over my back, my soul and my most inner purity. The person who I thought I could trust most doesn’t believe my words. The deepest respect I’ve always shown her mocks at my stupidity. My injustice lays unrest. I know I should never trust officers in ***.

I don’t wish to drag anyone in, even though they’re really screwed up. I just wish to leave the world of backstabbing. Often, I’m impressed when the bullies stand together to victimise me after they backstab each other. This hypocritical is far too disgusting for me to visual.

It’s so unreasonable to take my medical appointments into account that I’ve less 2 half days to work per week and that I should work extra to cover up; my injuries are almost insignificant until I start working at AVA, where I carry stuffs while others are sleeping or gaming inside the old office.

I’ve witnessed so much ugly facts, too much for me to remember. My biggest mistake is that I tell myself not to remember them and I don’t keep daily diary anymore like in the past due to lack of time and fuck up life in the army. Isn’t it impossible for me to recall every date for all the bad incidents over the past 6 months?

They just don’t like each other. Chen De has been planning for his I/C role since I first know him. The frequency of him sleeps inside the office keeps the morale of the team down. Jonathan doesn’t know Chen De has badmouthed him so often, though to some statements I’ve to nod, it’s so amusing that Jonathan doesn’t believe in the rumours. Both of them know Lionel has been wayanging (pretending hardworking) so much in front of Shep hence she adores him, yet he slacks during the tasks given and ignores all the shit inside the office.

I can’t provide evident to anything and I’m not going to penalise anyone because each of them in the surface smile so much to me. There’re many witnesses though, who wouldn’t want to be involved. I can’t be bothered with them as long as they don’t stab me. Every time, I can only laugh at how they ruin their own images.

The place is called hell and I’ve almost 13 more months to suffer.

Heroes of the night

Nowadays, the contractors have become more and more “garang” (hardworking). You’d never believe they’d stay back for work until near midnight. I don’t know if I should curse or praise them when I’ve to stay along with them.

It’d be cruel for me to chase them away when their project was going to be due soon. I could have just called the guardhouse and rifled men would be sent up. Contractors weren’t allowed to stay until 7pm, but even the guard commander didn’t know their existence in the camp.

I stayed in the theatrette since before lunch to hear them drill holes through the about twenty centimetres thick wall. The impact was so big in the enclosed small control room. I told them I had to leave by 6pm for my duty and the workers packed up before their boss came back. I thought that was the end of my day.

Just when I was leaving the office, the contractor’s boss came in and said they were in a rush and had to open the theatrette. I opened until six and told them I had to leave immediately, and stupidly promised I’d be back at around 6.45pm. Meanwhile someone had called Jonathan to say they needed a room and I rushed down to issue it.

Down at the P.A room, cold sweat started to penetrate out from the skin’s pores; once again, someone had dismantled the cable drums. However, setting up the sound system was smooth and fast when the equipments were still available in the room.

Halfway through, I was call upon by an officer, who tried to help 2LT Daniel Tan to borrow laptop. I finished the guard mounting steadily and rushed back to open up the theatrette again. It was at 7pm when the contractors decided to go for dinner and told me they would be back in half an hour’s time. I rushed down to the specs mess and it was already closed. Since I didn’t drive, it was impossible for me to leave the camp and return in time, thus had to skip my dinner when I was already having gastric pain two hours ago.

Actually they didn’t deserve to be helped. They were late for twenty minutes. Only one of them was friendly, behaving more like a teenager in his 35th year of life; the other three didn’t care to smile at me even though I had tried hard to make myself look pleasant in my shabbiness.

As for politeness, they could have, same like other contractors, asked if I’d need them to help me get dinner or, at the end of the day, a ride at least to the MRT station – they didn’t. What made me hang on was the fact that the theatrette had to be done somehow, not for the sake of AVA or TRMS, but SI – I regretted though.

Just when I was about to leave camp, Jonathan and Shengyang were on their way down on cab. I didn’t like to trouble others so much; no doubt it was good to know others were concern about me.

People make the place

When it’s useless to say, I rather not tell. I can never get away from the hellish place. This moment you scrub my back but when I walk away you try to stab me. Sometimes I just can’t understand smiles can be so fake.

I did try to explain, the dowagers refused to listen more.

I just wish things can be solved in a peaceful way, let me leave and not flame up before they get overboard. Then, when I walk past I can still smile and give a little cheer.

There’s no sense of belonging. My conscience tells me not to work hard for selfish creatures.

Why should I care for friends who only care for me to clean up the muddy ground after they step on? Isn’t it better to sever ties once and for all? So many passer-bys have advised me to speak up.

Like what Lieutenant Galen has reminded, what make a place are the people. And now the people are suffocating me.