Passing by

I think I saw her again on Wednesday. I told myself not to wander off. The bus moved so quickly to lose track of her, as her figure became smaller.

Apart from other times, I couldn’t care more. There weren’t many images except those in Mayflair. Soon, everything smudged.

It wasn’t that she had turned less charming, and in fact, she was sweeter than ever. The problem was with me, the sinking heart in the cold dead sea, causing all the unaffectionate.

It was a great start to prevent dejection.

Soft to hard

Often, you want to be kind; you give in all your best and you try to give convenience to others. You can’t expect any return but you hope for no evil repay.

Sadly, you can only expect for the worst.

There’re too many people who don’t know how to be gratified. You can’t force or educate them to learn, only to let their self conscience prickle them – if they have any.

Take my work for example. I see the trainees being so shagged and let them go off before I check the rooms, but they actually don’t keep the place clean.

It was finally another usual terrible day after a week. Daniel, Mike and Wah Chuan came and I kindly went back to the office to entertain them though I was rushing off. The room they asked for was issued. Daniel requested for two rooms but as the proper procedure, he had to call TRMS himself. I was at an awkward position, but still requested him to do it since I might be scolded again if I tried to be busybody again. He raised his voice immediately and insisted the job should be done for him.

On account of the small chocolate bar on his shoulder (this is how fucked up army is), I called to check with Ivan and confirmed the timetable was amended but theirs wasn’t updated. They left with satisfaction with the changed room’s keys.

If any important or urgent matter was on hand, why didn’t they come earlier? It wasn’t the first time this gang of friends were doing last minute thing, putting extra stress into my work. If rank was the game, I cared not for friendship. The fact that we went to and fro ROC together froze my heart, and to think that I had delivered keys over to his office inside of the DO room when he was on duty scattered the pieces of my heart, just like lost of friends.

I went to TRMS to face music from Shep to sign my off pass. She seemed to be heated up by selfish people again and I couldn’t bear to trouble her. It wasn’t any special treatment but my self conscience told me not to bother anyone, including stranger. I went back and helped the rest with the carrying of faulty equipments and although they gave me the lighter shares, my condition seemed to worsen with each step I made.

The next time I saw Shep was when she was going for lunch and I couldn’t make her go up to sign it. So, I waited till after the mid parade, let her have another round of scolding for the last minute thing. I was quite used to all her words already but they just made me realise I shouldn’t care too much about others, including her, that I should add on to her headache when she was being screwed.

This world is just too weird; not suitable for soft hearted people. I’m being trained to be cold blooded daily, and I can’t imagine seeing myself a year later.

The interesting guard mounting

Guard mounting was never so long before. I’ve to ask why it’s me again.

The coolest thing was that 2LT Lee was the DO, Wilson was the BOS and James was the 2IC. I supposed it was a peaceful night after the parade and it would be perfect if the parade didn’t cock up. They were nice people after all, and the trainees were lucky.

It started off when 2LT Lee claimed that Wilson wasn’t familiar with the new guard mounting system. They decided to march off before the flag was lowered down. After the “actual” one was conducted, they were ready to march off and SSG Wilfred stepped in to discuss before they decided to do a proper one. The rehearsal went on again and soon I finally got to see them in real action again.

Although the 3 new flag bearers had just practised some time ago, I still had to prompt them. When the flags were down and music stopped, the centre flag still couldn’t be untied. 2LT Lee didn’t wait for them before carrying on with the last part of the parade.

By then, I had already kept the speaker and ready to lock the door, just waiting for the whistle. I was sighing as I saw the cloth touched the ground and luckily nobody else had seen it.

The guard duty personnel were still in the parade square and one of them ran towards the chin-up bars. I was stunned when he came back with his field bag, which usually should be taken after they went back to the guard house.

I let off a sigh of relief when the flag bearers were back. Then, I walked them to the guard house to return the flags. I told the guy named Kelvin to turn left in Chinese but he turned right instead and he tried to confirm again without knowing it was the toilet.

Not for me

She caught my eyes from far and the train stopped right in position. I saw her walk in with her friend as my excitement filled the mind. No longer would the journey be bored again.

Her sweetness seemed to melt me away, through liquid form, flowing towards her. She reminded me of Yingying, so stylish and cute, in possession of Yanzhen’s seductiveness.

As my soul floated nearer to the doors, she moved closer and almost right in front of me to take up the empty seat. She resembled sunshine. The cabin was filled with cooling breeze just like a dream.

Her eyes, nose and cheek attached closely to my mind. I took short glances at intervals, refusing to submit to my timidity.

I couldn’t make the first move as usual. Nothing had instigated me to do so for I knew pretty girls aren’t for me.

下一次我会

已经不能习惯一个人走着这一条路,这不是一个寻常的寂寞,而是一个潦倒的感觉。

很不想再走下去,眼前看不到幸福的曙光。毕竟错过了决不能从来。

如果还有下一次,我提伞时会无力地需要依靠;再还有下一次,下一次我会让一切更美好。

Money flows

I’ve bought a new wallet last Friday.

The old one is so bulky that it’s difficult to slip into my pocket. It’s still usable but I really want a small and lighter one, which can be carried easier.

I don’t know what’s a good brand and I don’t really bother. It’s just the design and shape that bothers. Actually, I didn’t have much consideration before purchasing because the design was identical to what I had planned for.

It’s just for $9.90, too cheap for any spoilt brat.

At home, I give a pause and check my balancing account, realising out of a sudden, cash has been plundered away. I’ve been spending so much recently.

The weird thing is that I haven’t been pampering myself with the money, but instead, spending them on birthday presents. They aren’t so expensive if my friends have returned me their shares, which they’ve most probably forgotten. Little money accumulates as well and finally into large amount when it comes to food and drinks especially for the damn blending machines.

I can’t stop thinking why people can’t be even half as considerate as me, when I’m still far away from being a saint. It could be this selfishness within everyone, including me, but for me, there’s this foolishness that overwhelms everything.

I need more control, though many things are beyond my capability. Things that should be spent should be spent, and on worthy things and people.

I need to live on without any regrets.

The commander’s meeting

I got stuck inside the room and the commander’s conference was on. I was supposed to bring the projector over but I became the technician who had to stay there.

It was nice to know what was actually happening in the upper level of the institute. Sometimes it just gave me cold sweat. But since I’d talked to some of them before, it wasn’t that frightening and I knew there were always some people to save me if anything cocked up.

I didn’t know their meeting could last so long. Every department had to report on their current events and developments. Then suddenly, some people came in to present on their system that was supposing to help operate the camp better. I thought I’d be more interested but the clicking of the site bored me till I almost feel from the chair just behind the commander.

They should consult all the staffs before deciding whether to purchase the product, since so many other people could be the final end users. Well, it wasn’t my money anyway.

After the vendors left, they resumed the meeting. The most interesting part was when they showed the photos of a few cadets on the screen. I didn’t know they would take each cadet’s performance so thoroughly. Then, I wondered did they flash my photo few months ago when the terrestrial team tried so hard to get drivers over.

Anyway, the setting up and tearing down of the projector had tortured me once again on my back. I didn’t know how long I could struggle on.

My perfect couple

It’s a good match – the guy’s cute and the girl’s gorgeous.

But the girl is soft and careful, who has deep thoughts and unique analysis. She’s someone who would never let her thought out, expecting him to read her mind through her actions. Whereas he’s somehow a block head. He doesn’t know what’s romantic and how much time she expects from him.

They’ve been together for so long, through hardship and disagreements. There’ve been rejections from parents, intrudes of rivalry and also personal problems, but everything is still in place after all these years.

She’s a sweet girl all guys would want, but probably can’t be understood or tamed easily. You never know how crazy she would sacrifice for love, and able to withstand and accept all hardship and flaws.

Often she would complain that he’s a jerk, so inconsiderate and rough; but deep in her mind, she knows what’s good about him, that makes her cling on to the relationship all these years. For me, I’d say he’s a devoted man, who will try to compensate time to both his girl and friends, without abandoning any. He has also what all girls would need; a family business to run that’s more than sufficient to support his girl.

They quarrel often, like a daily routine, but still manage to keep up the relationship. Each time it seems like the end of the story. I try hard to resolve, pausing and going through each line at least thrice before spilling out. Each time they frighten me so much; each time seems so tedious, awkward and time-consuming for me, but I’m doing it willingly for the sake of my perfect couple in mind.

It isn’t for me for all the good words and excuses that patch them up, but the true love they’ve long ago engraved in their hearts.

Now that it’s a new challenge for them, both have been so negative about their thoughts. Words are harsh and white lies are being told. They just seem so unconcern in appearance, but definitely not inside their hearts. Pride just makes things worse.

If you ever wonder why are there so many problems, love is the answer, that makes one jealous or over-protective.

The emptiness

Have you tried walking in the night, feeling so lost that you don’t know what to do?

You don’t know what’s in your mind and you just think you should feel sad without knowing why.

You might have not done something which you want to do badly.

Some kind of jealousy is there and something just tells you you’re being a fool.

You seem to have lost your guts and all initiative you just acquire.

You don’t know why and you just feel empty within your head.

Boonlay to Tanjong Pagar

I haven’t slept on the train for so long. Though the distance is only from Boonlay to Tanjong Pagar, I feel like I’ve dozed off for hours.

Usually I’d choose to stand so that I can write my stuff without someone peeping at my notebook. I’ve probably attracted attention sine very few people would be as busy as me.

Another reason why I don’t sit down is because I’m lazy or feel awkward or even hypocrite to stand up; when old people or kid board the train, I’ve to give up my seat and not acting selfishly like others.

Some people battle hard to try to get a seat and I don’t ever want to be involved. I’d appreciate just a place to lean on, at the transparent glass besides the door. Let the injured man do the standing, not uncivilised ways of warring.

But this day I’m shagged with my eyes closing, just simply ignore everything.

I also haven’t gone to Jurong East swimming complex to swim for long. The blue slide has been closed for long. This is the first time I go without any girl, just 3 other camp mates, so pathetic and unexpected.

Saturday morning isn’t a good timing for guys who love to see girls, but good for black lovers.