The tomb in my heart

It has been for the past nearly twenty-two years. I’ve ever planned anything for my birthday. It’s sad due to the fact that I can’t afford to waste money because my family isn’t well-to-do.

I don’t really care much about the celebration because I’m not a special person. However, being naive, I always hope to have a special girl celebrating with me.

The first time my brother and his friends organised a party at my house, I didn’t appreciate it, because I hoped my first celebration to be with my girl. After my training in the rain, I reached the corridor and felt something amiss; I climbed up to reach the top of the windows and saw the crowds. Then I ran off.

It’s always a good excuse to invite girls out during birthday so that they won’t have the heart to reject. But weirdly, over the years I haven’t succeeded once.

Being a failure in love, it has been such a shame to me. Perhaps, I won’t have felt dejected if I haven’t put in so much effort each time. However, as time goes by, I’ve resorted to hide the fact that I’m a loser, so as to feel more comfortable, as well as to release stress.

Sometimes I sound so confident and arrogant when conversation is about girls; sometimes I download pictures of babes from internet and claim that they’re my girlfriends. I laugh all over when some friends actually believe in my craps.

Often, I’m so envious of my buddies being able to discharge their single-hoods. On their days, I try hard to get babes for the parties. As for myself, I’m always so unlucky.

I was so used to everything, until this day, on my twenty-first birthday, I was sleeping in this stinky hole dug by myself in the field. These were the most terrible days of my life. The sadness has been carved on my heart so deeply, that it aches so badly each time I take a moment of rest, because everyone on their twenty-first would have their beloved ones by their sides.

Away from friends

These days I rot and rot, for things not within my control. The world is wide while my knowledge is shallow. I fail to anticipate for the unexpected; each time I set my mind off for a better day ahead, the clouds turn dark. Rain or shine, the worst always comes in.

It has come to a point of time that I almost turn berserk. I’m numbed by the outbreaks of insanity, too cold to feel anything. I’ve lost my ability to react to the wilds and unrest, and soon, the skill to survive.

I’m drifting away too far from each of my friends, especially those who I’ve braved through rain and storm with. Each of them has their own life by then, with their blossom friends or girlfriends-soon-to-be. Few have the intention to get back again. There have been too much that I’ve done, at least within my little influence.

I no longer have the enthusiasm to step into the community centre anymore. Sundays are wasted again and again although I’ve been complaining about lack of time to finish up my personal work. I’m sick of child-play games. It’s such a shame that everytime we don’t even have twelve men to have a serious set of game. I’ve problems playing with girls and outsiders on the same side of court.

Before we tear down the net, some of the people have already left. I hate this type of commitment. If this is the kind of lifestyle everyone is looking forward to, I need a long period of time to adjust my mindset. Before I succeed in tuning myself, I might have changed my priority of life.

I prefer going to the beach most of the time with the reluctant number of people we’ve now. However, we always disperse. I never get what I want. I try to get only a small number of people, they prefer to go back to the community centre instead. Then, the outsiders disappoint me the second time and this time we pathetically have to call off the day.

Another night

This Wednesday, I stayed overnight in camp with Kwang Han, sharing the bunk with Hendren, who kindly took us in. It was all for the parade in the early Thursday morning.

Dinner was at the MacDonald’s with Kwang Hang and Rehan, after which, Hendren joined in. The only entertainment was to look at girls, especially the cashier, who we dared Rehan to approach. The scenery wasn’t good, except for a skinny girl who went for studying. After Rehan left, Kwang Han abandoned us to play games with his friend.

Hendren and I went back to camp. It wasn’t the first time I stayed in camp ever since passing out from course, but this bunk was more presentable than Ganesan’s one. Lying on the bed, I couldn’t help thinking of the past, the only period of time in the army which I enjoyed – signal course.

I missed the time when we looked into Terry’s phone to see the message “I’ll make you happy..”, laughed over Siyan’s job to write a report for the platoon everyday and got scolded by Mohan for his block letters and uncreativeness, Tze Keong drew some craps to create laughers and Wilson finished the combat ration which suspected rats had given a bite.

I couldn’t forget Xiangxin sharing his candies with me, Kenneth came into my bunk to lie down on Nelson’s bed or get food which everyone disliked, Jasper frequently came in to make sure I wasn’t bored and Tianlong accompanied the sickly me when everyone else had gone for night out.

I remembered the nights we secretly played Uno cards together at the empty room next door until midnight, the night we went up to level six and failed to haunt for ghosts, we teased Ganasan for buying VCDs from a sweet girl from Laserflair and Terry abandoned us to have dinner with his not-pretty friend at the Pizza Hut.

I dozed off early. The bed was actually more comfortable than my house’s.

SCOPE

Have you tried putting a tube into your mouth, through your throat and into your stomach?

It was a sucky day. Early in the morning I heard Shep wasn’t pleased that Rajoo had signed my off pass for the previous day and the problem was he did it in his own account, moreover, she wasn’t around so often. I didn’t know what the big fuss is about. Almost everyone seemed to be able to communicate with me and understand me a little, except for her.

I tried to get 007 to sign my off pass since Shep wasn’t around, but he insisted me to wait. I explained that I needed to go home to get changed first, therefore needed to leave earlier, but he wasn’t compassionate at all. After an awkward scene, I finally went back to Rajoo to sign it.

I went to the new medical officer finally to update my status. After explaining all my pains and showing him my x-ray films, he refused to give me any medical status. He only would do something if the specialist had said anything. Therefore, I had to go for the upcoming range. When I asked him for some cough syrup for my more than three months of coughing, he didn’t ask anything about it. I asked the medic if I could find out if I were on the waiting list for downgrade as promised by Captain Kenneth, he said this ORDed guy bullshitted to everyone a few months ago.

At least, I got to go home in time, met up with my mum and left for the hospital. I was weak all over since I hadn’t taken any food since midnight. After registering at the counter, I dozed off for a while on the sofa. It was around forty-five minutes later; I went in for the challenge.

There were four persons inside the room. The first thing I asked for was a blanket. I tried to find out everything, the procedure and my after condition, which made me sound like a coward. It didn’t matter, as long as I went on with it. Something was sprayed into my throat to numb it and then my worst fear, the needle, went into the back of my right palm. They stuffed something into my mouth and it began.

My view was somehow blocked by one of their hands but I knew the tube was going in. It wasn’t long before I could feel something inside my stomach. Occasionally I felt like vomiting but they tried to calm me down. Soon, it ended. They took the equipments off my body, including the pressure checker on my thumb and the needle.

I was pushed to the resting area but soon, one of the nurses told me to give up my bed. I sat on the floor to put on my shoes, having the same feeling as when I was drunk. I had some biscuits and tasteless Milo which burnt my tongue. Next was some conversation with a few friendly middle aged nurses and an auntie waiting outside for her relative. I had to pay four bucks for warding.

Ultimate lover

I used to be a flirt, dating many girls at the same period of time, which people usually describe as timer.

Fiona Xie was one of my earliest girlfriends and I really loved her for her great figure. She had all that a perfect girl should have, and extra meat to train up fingers.

Next was Boa, who amazed me with her charismatic. She was so stylish and charming that I couldn’t take my eyes and hands off her. She was one sweet little spicy babe who I couldn’t stop kissing.

Not to be missed out, I had an enjoyable period of time with Jolin Tsai some years back. She was so hot and huggable that I had to spend some time with her everyday without fail. Due to the fact that she had caused severe lost of blood through my nose so often, I had to dump her.

One of the sweetest affairs I had was when I was with Ann Kok. This sweet creature had a hot body and she could satisfy me with whatever I wanted for her brilliant brain so caring, considerate and creative.

I had once ditched Shuqi for I couldn’t stand her naked pictures being distributed worldwide. Her earliest movies had deep impact on our relationship as well. I must be the most stubborn guy on earth.

After which, I started to dated Zhang Ziyi. Her sexy voice and tremulously good featured face scared me out of my wits when I thought I was in the heaven, meeting a fairy.

The only girl who had dumped me was Yi Nengjing, who discovered my date with Liang Jingru. I hadn’t regretted on the date for it was such a wonderful night. I didn’t like girls who had tattoo on their bodies until I saw Jingru’s, which was right above her butts.

I once almost had a fling with Priscilla Chen, but her acting as a nerd in one of the series shows freaked me. She was so beautiful and often reminded me of Ann Kok, but I couldn’t undo the spoilt impression.

I wanted to try on Japanese girls but time couldn’t permit me. As I went into Hollywood stars, I got so shagged each night that I decided I should pause my love invasion for some time.

I used almost two months to spend each night for the last time with each of my girlfriends before I initiated and hurt their hearts. It soon became a daily routine that I felt nothing about being bastard.

I gathered back my shattered love finally, and thrust them into Jennifer.

If I have a say

When I was young and deeply fascinated by the Romance of the Three Kingdoms show, I never wanted to be a commander.

I never wanted people to mistake that I was doing things for favouritism. It wasn’t good to order people around; and also, working behind the scene and getting no credit was the best way to prove my sincerity in getting any job done.

I had been going through years of brain-washing, doing my best to satisfy everyone, thus decisions were tough to be made. I cared too much about fairness, that I became so fickle-minded.

Over the years, especially ever since enlisted, I realise listening to instruction is a foolish thing to do. There’re too many practising of unfairness and carelessness and it always reflects upon me that I should do something, which I’m powerless to handle.

From then on I’m trying hard to get stronger each day. There’re too many things which I’ve to do personally. At least now I know I’ve to try to be a leader, then I’ll be able to address to more corruption and unfairness.

It may be soon before my determination wears off, moreover with the disabilities, incapability and surrounding factors, it requires double efforts.

Things that have to be done have to be done.

Can’t stand it

It has been a thousand times I tell myself not to bother with selfish people, but the anger can’t subside.

With a little effort, just by doing his own part, it can bring out so much difference. Why does he instead, want to put others into misery?

Has he attained immortality that he needs not care about what others feel about him? He’s the one who’s going to challenge the phrase “no man is an island”. He gives no damn except to his superiors.

If you were to ask me why am I so moody, I wouldn’t have responded. But once we leave the place I can tell you I’ve failed to put things in correct place, which greatly depresses me. His presence brings me down and forbids me from speaking. It’s not that I hate him, but I can’t stand unfairness, selfishness, theft, bootlicking and hypocrisy.

It was his second time to sign after he received the keys and first time to check the room, in the presence of the new superior, and that he might have other motives.

I really wish it won’t bother me anymore because I’ve my own problems and more important things are there for me to stress about.

Great weather

It’s so funny when you see the grey sky and call the weather forecast station, which confirms there’ll be rain in the next three hours; two hours later, the sun shines over the land.

So I sat in front of the computer, too sleepy to do anything since I had waked up too early. There was anger in my heart, but I didn’t know who to curse. Feeling lifeless, I started playing the outdated Team Fortress Classic with the bots, too simple to achieve any satisfactory.

There was a frustration in my mind, felt so lost suddenly. Jacky Chan’s old movie kept me accompanied and I had some dips of dreams.

I was too restless to make anything happen, until I started off with reading for photography. The menu of my brother’s Olympus C-750 came handy and finally I realised it had a voice recorder function. Dumb me.

Yuqing and Jianwei had a talk with me. Money and girls were the main issues. Yuqing was getting his driving license soon, whereas I was still far from touching the basic theory paper. Sometimes I did wish that I’ve a rich dad to support my lessons and a car – I didn’t have one.

I hesitated to get a pair of contact lens. It’d add burden to my pocket and time. Sometimes I couldn’t help hating my spectacle, which seemed like an ugly mask on my face. The worst thing was during sport games, it moved up and down to block my vision, and often, kissed the floor. What an afternoon of struggle.

I get so tired of life because decisions are thorns. If only I could get back my confidence that I gained during primary school days, I wouldn’t hesitate.

Morning news

I wake up feeling assured that I’ve done the right thing by staying home yesterday, but maybe should have gone out to take a walk by myself. After all it sounds more like a hint to me now.

There’re always things that I don’t want to witness, not that I want to avoid, but to leave things as they go by and not feel disturbed at the same time. I don’t wish to be brood over it, though I always feel uneasy and unfair. I shall safeguard the facts and let the story ends only in my heart.

It’s a boring week ahead. At least it’s easier to keep my exploded phone bill at a lower cost. My sweetest Jennifer has left for Hong Kong yesterday, the place where I assume beauties are all over, since I really like the type of Chinese there, the style and looks.

As of now the afternoon’s outing is cancelled due to the weather forecast. I should have organised it for yesterday. I shouldn’t have waked up so early as well. Life is always a regret and fate is always playing a fool.