High price to pay

There’s always a price to pay for being perseverance. Often, we don’t have a choice.

It isn’t for fun or showing off, something which I must do. It’s always the case that when the thing you do doesn’t benefit others, they wouldn’t hesitate to doubt and badmouth you.

I’ve to maintain my dignity and pride though they’ve already been shaken; some despicable people advise me to take care of myself but they say different things behind my back – I don’t know who.

So I work hard in the day, and get my pain in the end. In this night when nobody cares, aching is the companion.

Resembles of the great old days reappear, just when I’m still fit enough to put in my best – nobody praises but still feel so satisfied of myself.

I can still remember how my injuries worsen – the months when I refuse to believe that I’m being taken for granted, trying to be easy-going and magnanimous.

I can still remember the medical officer warning me not to carry any heavy load and insisting that he would give me my rightful medical status. Soon he leaves the dark force when my problem remains unsolved.

With the naiveness and unable body, the inferior feeling gives a big cut while people add in bruises. None knows how much I wish to get things done; none can understand my fetish to redress injustices.

Often, I’m so afraid to adapt to this dark society, that my philosophies stand no ground anymore. A debate of the angel and devil over my ears decides continuation of suffer or lost of my purest soul.

The same question arises over and over again – will you treat me the same if I were a changed person and not as devoted as before?

The legendary “Wayang”

I feel so lost once again, failing to understand human beings.

How can a person be so selfish? Why a person who’s much older and has more experience can’t set good example for the rest?

Lazing around, pushing of responsibility, pretending to work hard, stealing of credits, this combination I can despise more than anything.

To me, happiness is not only about able to relax, but to achieve acknowledgement from people; if you manage to rot your ways through when you’re able to contribute more, the hatreds from people will cause you to suffer greater loss.

How sad I feel for him.

No doubts, I still find him amazing to be able to spread his fame. He would be the only one who can escape duties and yet impress the superiors.

Out of jealousy

It rained for so long again yesterday. I wanted to go straight to the third storey to work out after I got back to Tanjong Pagar so that I needed not go down again. I climbed up the stairs feeling so proud of myself that I was finally so hardworking and answerable to my physiotherapist.

As I reached the fitness corner, a couple were there. The sudden “sianazation” dampened my enthusiasm as I turned back and walked off. It wasn’t nice to interrupt even though it was a public place; I wouldn’t want it to happen if I was any of them. They were so lucky to have companion.

A rainy day, at a nice and quiet place, love was filling the air. But how could they do this to me, showing off their love? That was the first and last chance I gave them.

Please change your hideout next time, scandals!

The rainy day’s outing

The first person who came after me was Ruoci. She was getting plumper each time I saw her, no doubt, still as sweet.

It was the first time I didn’t expect for many turn-ups. I took out my notebook from my bag and started striking off names – I had given up.

Though I had reproached Weitat again and again, reminded him the night before and gave him two morning calls in the morning, it was useless. His excuse was that he was waiting for Junrong, so he would be late anyway.

I gave a call to Kailin before I realised she was intending to go in by herself. I gave a call to Kachua and he told me he wasn’t joining us anymore since Sembawang was raining. Whereas for Pauline, I betted she planned to go in by herself as well.

I could no longer understand human beings. Sometimes I questioned myself on the logic of life; I wondered if the organiser should be informed of changes. I didn’t know if I was foolish to continue.

Often, I felt awkward waiting for people. It had come to an extend of causing phobia. The fact of being the first group to reach and last group to leave the meeting place gave me illusions of people mocking at me.

Ruoci and I proceeded on without waiting. Her desire for a beach game after two months of exile gave me the chance to travel with this beauty. The most disastrous journey was the plain uncollectible one, without a camera on my hands.

It wasn’t meant to be a day for beach outing anyway. The drizzling rain with the strong wind glued Ruoci and I on the table under the big umbrella. Andy joined us in a scramble game and I prepared for an amazing kite flying glancing, which disappointed me.

As the rest arrived, namely Weitat, Siewchin, Kailin, Wilson, Pauline and Junrong, we lowered the umbrella and some of them started playing Uno as the rain started to smash like stones. I hadn’t played with Junrong for months, not even to get to see him, but this time it was fated.

We decided to leave the place since the dark clouds had conquered the whole sky. I was freezing with numbness on my fingers. However, the group of us hooked on to an ice-cream seller near the bus terminal. Having to smuggle the ice-cream up the bus 97, I treated my bag to some of the ice-cream clumsily.

It was a high price to force Ruoci to join us in the movie. After purchasing the tickets, we had a quick lunch at Long John Silver’s, where Huiqin joined us. It was a rare chance to sit besides Ruoci inside the theatre since both of us didn’t like to go for movie. The “40 years old virgin” was luckily not a horror movie since Siewchin aka Ren Yao was sitting at my left side. I laughed wickedly when she told me she was having a cramp.

Junrong left with Ruoci after the M-18 movie. Wilson and Pauline once again gave me confusion of their relationship. Sometimes when I turned back, their walking distance was more like strangers but sometimes, Wilson was cracking jokes with her. It was great to see them being together again but not if they were going to quarrel daily again.

Moving on to the big candy shop at Millennium Walk, the chocolate captivated my mind. However, I knew my own body too well to not take too much “heaty” stuff and in order to work on my big saving plan; I kept the remaining dollars on my wallet.

Kailin was the next to leave. The remaining of us, Wilson, Pauline, Siewchin, Huiqin, Weitat and I went to the food court at Marina Square. The couple took their dinner while we were enjoying the night scenery. The Esplanade looked good at that angle.

Huiqin played around with her ex’s IXUS camera. It was really sharp and simple. It reminded me to study on how to adjust the setting of my brother’s Olympus when he returned. It was such a shame that I didn’t know how to produce product that was up to my expectation after so long, and the greatest function I used was the ten times optical zoom.

I enjoyed the night though the weather had spoilt the outing. I realised a small group outing was quite beneficial to hearts’ contentment as well.

Boring steamboat

I ought to be shot for overusing my SMS (short message service). For just three days, I can use more than two hundreds of them. Then, I’ve bee reduced to such pathetic state that I don’t reply to any message.

It was a challenge to organise outing without using SMS. I had to keep calling the person when he didn’t pick up his phone. In fact, it was good in some ways that the intention of that person could be heard through his tone – but not all.

Tze Khit asked for the steamboat outing, Weitat and I did the calling. It was always me doing the shit. And again, I wouldn’t mind if response was good. I couldn’t stand people who changed from green to red light at the very last minute, not even those who couldn’t make up their minds.

Since my elder brother had brought his camera with him to Thailand, I could only turn to the free BenQ one, which was missing. I left house without camera, feeling uncomfortable.

It was the most boring steamboat outing I had ever attended. People were late more nearly an hour and there were only thirteen of us, four I didn’t talk to. The food didn’t feed my appetite and the cripple table made cooking difficult. I didn’t crap as much as in the past. There were jokes but I seemed to be trying hard to make myself laugh. I shouldn’t go in the first place in my cough.

I couldn’t stop recalling and comparing. I thought about unfairness too and the angel on my ear told me I should stop everything. I needed to spend my time on useful things for my future instead of wasting time on trying to piece a broken puzzle with missing pieces back.

It seemed to be a weird night for me. I was quite worried for Wilson and Pauline since I didn’t know what was still going on between them. Then, I recklessly tried to switch off the steamer, pushing the metallic tip down for more than a second which didn’t work and instead, burnt my index finger. I couldn’t believe I was so foolish.

Stop buzzing around my ears

I just reached home after bringing Jack downstairs for a walk. It had been long since he last took the lift.

My elder brother brought him down daily ever since he ORDed, until he started working as a qualified insurance agent. My mum often joined them right after work and did exercises at the fitness corner at the third storey. Running about on the rough ground helped keeping his nails short as well.

I was intending to bring him down yesterday afternoon before going out for dinner but some guys from the town council made me drop my idea. They stepped right at my door just when I was going to get Jack his leash.

The old men could start a market like how women could make enough noise to wreck peace. They were complaining about the stuffs at the corridor, which might lead to breeding of mosquitoes or fire out-break.

Being reasonable, I explained to them politely that my mum wasn’t around and I couldn’t decide whether what items could be thrown away. I tried to listen to what they wanted to be done so that I could convey message to my mum, but a few of them kept nagging to throw some of the empty flower pots away and even rudely took some away. One of them even talked about fines in an indirectly threatening manner, which I hated.

I almost died of putting smiles on my face. Words were repeated over and over again. Luckily a few of them were still quite polite except with bad breathe. I really wished I could do something about it because they did make some sense but I had to respect my mum.

I hated it when people mediated at my ears when it wasn’t my fault and when I had the intention to correct it and had tried before. They didn’t know they were messing with a person who couldn’t stand things not done correctly.

I’m not supportive about growing so many plants. Even though the government is promoting “Green Life”, it doesn’t pay to help out in growing plants; instead, it draws attention of all the council people to come and nag because of the large number of dengue fever cases.

And of course, the junks have to be cleared away, but it’s for convenience and not to prevent smokers from starting fire with lighted cigarettes. Smoking should be banned long ago and the town council people have failed BADLY to stop smokers from smoking inside the lift.

The sad thing is my siblings and I have communication problems with my mum that she always filters off words.

The town council should really do something more about smoking, the long term torturing and killing process. Since they appear to be so hardworking, I shall go pester them about it when I’m free and see how they go about stopping the inconsiderate and selfish smokers inside the lift.

To release

Having a mindful of thoughts, everything has crossed one another that causes confusion, till I don’t know what I’m thinking about.

How I wish I can only see what I want to see and hear what I want to hear. I’m given this pair of eyes and ears to gain more misery.

Suddenly I just feel lost. I hate growing up; I hate seeing my friends one after another, growing up away from their innocence.

I’m trying to go astray too, unlike others, I’m being forced to. Most people wouldn’t appreciate their lives; I hate mine too, not being greedy, because I know well so many are much luckier than me.

I love to vent my anger on myself; I do things that I dislike and despise on. I really hate myself.

None can be compared to me when it comes to silliness. I do things out of sudden without knowing why and where to proceed to and how to carry on. Even idiots are better off – at least they seem to be happier than me.

Sometimes, I feel like giving up and sleep through the complicated life. But there’re too many things I can’t keep avoiding.

Give me a pair of wings and I shall fly to paradise; I shall conquer my fear and my most saturated agony; I shall charge towards the sun and melt my body with my deceased heart; I shall burn my soul in mockery.

End of world

She discharged me!

It wasn’t because I had recovered, but she thought I could do all the stretching and strengthening myself.

Could I?

She did give a one-month open date appointment, but it was only for if my condition ever worsened. Since I couldn’t fake anything, I had to take the path alone from then on.

It used to be the motivation that I had to answer to her that I tried my best to work out at home. Everyday after reaching home from camp, too tired to do anything, but the approaching appointment date pushed me.

In the past, I got to do all the correct exercises at least once a fortnight during the appointments. I didn’t mind being worn off and did even more than what was required, so as to cover up for the daily lack of exercise.

Given the appointments, I didn’t manage to do the exercise on a daily basis; and now the future seemed so vague.

As she announced it, it seemed like the end of world. I was too stunned to do anything. I muttered, knowing nothing could change the fact. The sudden depression put my mind in a daze soon. I forgot to ask her for a report for my MO.

I turned mute whenever I wanted to ask her for contact number. I used to have some good conversation with her. She talked about her sister and sometimes I teased her.

It was the end of the interaction with my pretty physiotherapist.

He flies off to Thailand

My elder brother has left for Thailand on a holiday trip. It’s so cool that his company has paid for the whole packet which includes the 5-stars hotel accommodation over there.

It’s good for him to enjoy himself there since he has been working so hard for the past few months, including weekends.

However, the problem arises when he takes his Olympus camera away with him. Now that going out without the ten times optical zoom camera, it’s so inconvenient for me. However, I’m the one who advise him to bring it over instead of the other lousy one. Hopefully he would bring some good pictures back.

Poor Jack will be lonelier with his “dad’s” absence. Nobody’s going to bath him and clean his cage, therefore my house is going to be smellier and my mum won’t let him run around.

I want to go too if I’ve the chance, because it’s time to grow up and explore the world. I know I must work hard.