Telemarketing

[Tuesday, 17 October, 2006]

A woman with the number 67259296 called me. She spoke so fast that I could hardly catch her words but after a few questions I knew she was a telemarketer.

I was furious because it was simply rude to do that; nobody would want a stranger to call and ask funny questions.

She asked whether I was holding a MasterCard and whether I was schooling or working. I answered “No” to all questions and she was quite stunned. She must be thinking I was trying to play prank because I was not holding a MasterCard (rich) but I was not schooling or working.

I asked her how she got my number and she apologised and promised would not contact me again.

It reminded me an email sent by Chua regarding “8 ways to scare a telemarketer!” by Colin Goh.

1. Ask him to talk v-e-r-y slooooowly, because you want to write down every word he says.

2. When he introduces himself (eg “Sammy”), immediately say “Wah piang eh! Sammy! Long time no see, man! How are you! Are you still living in that old place?” This should stun Sammy for a while, as he scrambles to remember where he might know you from.

3. After he finishes his marketing spiel, tell him he must marry you first before you sign on.

4. If he says he’s Tan Ah Seng from ABC Pte Ltd, ask him to spell his name. Then ask him t spell the company name. Then ask him where it’s located. Continue asking him personal questions or questions about the company for as long as you feel like it.

5. Insist the caller is actually your friend Benny, playing a joke. “Eh, Benny, don’t like that leh! Stop playing the fool! Seriously, Benny, how’s your mother? Is she out of the hospital yet?” Etc, etc.

6. After he finishes his pitch, say in a very creepy voice, “Thank you for calling me. I don’t have many friends… do you want to be my friend?”

7. If he asks, “How are you?” Tell him! “Wah lau, got so many problems. My fish all died, then my mother and father had this big argument until the neighbours called the police, and then lagi worse, don’t know why, but my crotch was itching the whole day, so I went to the clinic and then…” Continue till he hangs up.

8. Tell him you’re busy at the moment, and ask him for his number so you can call him back. He’ll try to give his office number, but insist on his home number. When he says he can’t give his home number, ask him, “You don’t want some funny stranger calling you up at home and disturbing you, is it?”

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