再度失去了你

那一夜,雨后的天晴鼓起了热舞,我几乎不敢相信事实,你和我单独共享一夜美景。我看着你的笑容,刺疼了我的心。我离你曾经的快乐好远,心酸就仿佛夺走了我的生命。我要给你的好多好多,是整夜都给不完的幸福。

我知道他人都会笑我太傻,因为我病得不轻,走过的路仿佛都有我拖着的脚印,我仍然为你前往。毕竟这是我梦寐以求的一夜,就算要我趴着、滚着,就算天崩地裂,我都会撑着去见你。

我是最幸福的人。我终于可以和你长时交谈,而能帮你减轻你的委屈是我的快乐。那一夜我盼望着路会更长、时间会停止。

可是就在那一夜,我们开着玩笑时我终于发现了我早已失去了我的生命力。我沉默了好几阵子,你也似乎没留意到我的哀伤。这突如其来的剑好锋利,刺穿了我的心。

我不愈的病加重,而那说好已麻木的心却哭了出来。一个简单的问题,我却要十多公里后才开得了口。那是我半年前的预测,如今却还是难以收拾这沉重的心情。再度失去的悲哀无法用言语来表达,遗憾在我心上刻了永恒的疤痕。因为当初没更努力,我终于学会了后悔。

就在每个漆黑的夜晚我会更想念,回味我们吵吵闹闹、口不对心的暧昧,因为这一切是我最快乐和珍惜的时光。和你交谈时的顺畅,不需要掩饰,更不用提防,绝对无人可取代。

祝福的话我开不了口,伤心也说不出嘴,只有心中期盼着他能给你真正的快乐。憔悴里千百个不愿意最终只能希望你在快乐和悲伤时都会想起我,因为无论在何时或何处,我都会义不容辞地捍卫着你。

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Words are Cheap but They still Rule Eventually

People who know how to create opportunities are usually the winners.

There are too many things I feel are hypocrite to do and thus I’m avoiding them. I’m a person who does not over-promise and I believe actions will prove everything.

I think I’m right yet I’m very wrong in another aspect that there may not even be a chance for me to display my sincerity.

Girls love the feeling of being wooed but how many guys can cherish them for long after winning their hearts?

Promises of never-ending loves always come too early and I have yet to lie about it in my entire life; I do not promise things that I’m not certain about yet.

Words are getting cheaper everyday, yet many people continue to buy them.

The world leaves no room for losers but I will struggle to stay alive just to see her being happy.

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Happy Father’s Day

Be glad if you are able to celebrate Father’s Day with your dad. I do not have the chance and not anymore.

He was a drinker, gambler and smoker. My dad had numerous bad habits but nothing could beat his love for the family. He and my mum gave me what I had today.

I started my life in a very poor family. At least, I did not have to starve, except for a certain period of time when he was already not around. He took us out for dinner during weekends despite losing money in his gamble sessions and he had never failed to give us money for school stuffs. He got drunk but he did not abuse. He smoked but he kept the cigarette smoke away from us.

The most unforgettable recollection of him was when he was on his hospital bed, asking me if my elder brother and I had pocket money. Would you be worried like him over such little thing when you are suffering badly and about to lose your last breath?

Although he may not be the best dad on earth, he has certainly done his part.

It has been more than ten years since my dad has passed away. None of us has ever forgotten him. We do not cry and in fact we joke using him. A simple teasing of “Are you missing lao ba (father)?” can be heard occasionally. None of us would admit it.

It seems like pretending to stay strong is not the best way to handle things because the tears of saddest can multiple, such that sometimes when nobody is watching, drops of them can overwhelm the eyes.

If you still have a dad, be really happy about it.

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A Crazy Night

Sometimes, I do crazy things without thinking when there is no time to even hesitate. I hate to give up chances, which I have been doing. The usual thought “how many ten years’ do we have” has been emerging in my brain a lot.

I held my bladder and dashed through the late night of the crowded town area where people stared at my semi formal attire. I slowed down to look at the map but my heavy head refused to tell me how to use it. I continued in my half drunk state, into the darkness at the unfamiliar place. I was very uncertain of the direction. I had never thought of giving up but I prayed hard to have more time. I did not mind suffering longer as sweat began to drench me and I just wished to get to the correct location. The road names gave me fears and I began to doubt my judgment of the direction. It took me great courage to move on when I did not get any text reply. I saw hope when I finally saw the correct road sign but the bus-stop was empty. I dragged on my weary feet and proceeded but the next destination along the same road damped my short-lived happiness. It appeared to be a never-ending road, which I pressed on.

I reached in the nick of time. There was so much for me to celebrate about. It was one of the most memorable and dramatic stories of my life even though I puked and landed myself with bruises on my hand. Then, I realized my calf muscles had long given up on me. I was nervous and too loss on words, but I felt great.

It was not a story about a prince on a white horse but a smelly chap slightly better than being barefooted. There was probably no charisma or a heroic feeling with the shabby looks, but that was far beyond a normal guy could do.

I tried hard and I did well, but the initial goal might be just wrong that I ended up posing problems to everyone.

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My Buddy’s Best Buddies

I have been thinking a lot about friendship over the past few days. I have made many great friends through schools, sports, national service, work and Internet, but my life seems to be empty somehow.

There are many friends whom I trust a lot and I’m prepared to sacrifice for them any time, and there are many who have already benefited from me. I believe in giving rather than receiving but there is always one part of me that is always pinning hope to get something in return; I am not a saint and I just hope to be appreciated.

Friends who have bothered to observe me should at least know that they can trust me fully, whether to keep secrets or to do my best in helping them. I’m proud of myself all these years.

The main doubt I have in mind is whether the friends whom I consider as my best friends would consider me as their best friend as well.

After all these years, how many friends would actually put me in their top 10 friends list?

If a friend has 10 tickets to a show, will I be the eleventh person to be left out of the group?

How would you feel when you assume your buddy would announce you as his buddy until he makes it clear at the most crucial time just some weeks after you have even done him a very great favour that nobody else would probably do? If this is not hurtful enough to you, think about your buddy having you in mind whenever he needs help.

Reality is cruel and most people would never notice little things that you have been doing. You can be nice to your group of friends by saying “yes” to all outing without even questioning “who are going?”, so that the events would proceed. You can always walk at the back to observe everyone to make sure none of your friends feels left out. There are many tiny things you can do help others silently, which none would ever notice.

I have a group of good friends who are willing to send me home by making a big detour despite being tired at night after having a long day; I also have another group of friends who would gather just to celebrate their birthdays and they can even arrange to celebrate belated birthday on my birthday itself. There are different groups of friends I have never wanted to abandon.

But I’m really tired of being the odd-one out whenever someone has to be sacrificed just because I’m easygoing and not ambitious at all. I have to repeat that reality is really cruel because soft people would always be sacrificed. If you are one, your friends would probably feel very sorry towards you but it does not make your life any better. What is the point of saying sorry when you have to repeat it times and times again?

It seems like I need a change in my life and stop bothering about friends since I have not even worked hard enough to improve my own life.

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