Life – to Enjoy?

It is a lonely night where the street lights ahead glow dimmer and dimmer. A man dragging a bag of a hundred tonnes staggers forward. He never seems to have a slight thought of stopping. Days after days, he gets more distanced from familiar faces. He finally collapses when his torn feet can no longer carry the wrecked body.

We never know how long our lifespans are. Are we supposed work hard so that we do not age to start begging for money; or enjoy life as we move on because we never know we may collapse the next day?

If you are born in a poor family, you probably have no choice after all, even though work all day makes a man dull and kills his creativity.

What can make things worse is when people try putting extra burdens on you when you can hardly catch a gasp of breathe. You can risk putting relationship at stake if you do not want to suffocate yourself.

Some nights I do dream of my legs powerless. I understand well what it symbolises in the reality. It is never fun to struggle strengthlessly.

Do I have to hurt myself more before I can learn to enjoy myself?

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Grow Your Wealth Before You Seek Your Hobby

In life, sometimes you have to give up your hobby when everyone is pointing knife at you indirectly.

Seriously, too many things can be bought by money, such as engaging professionals to help you with things that are needed to be done; with the spare time, you can pursue your interest and you probably can do a good job with the concentration.

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Interesting Dream or Nightmare

[Sunday, 30 January, 2011]

I began working on a special article for SEO for the tuition agency and went to sleep near 5.30am.

I woke up a few times and had a dream about being attacked by ghosts while doing charity work. It was quite an exciting dream running around to three different locations where the team was split into. I woke up at 2pm eventually.

It was raining heavily and I continued with my SEO work. Lucky disturbed me the entire afternoon to slow down my work because my elder brother was not at home.

I had an inspiration and started working on a new page to provide study tips for students.

My elder brother cooked spaghetti for dinner.

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Crappy Mood, Crappy Dreams

[Saturday, 31 July, 2010]

I was in a crappy mood again. After a game of Condition Zero, I started composing a Chinese poem with the inspiration. I finished and went to bed at 4am.

It was as per normal for the past few weeks, weird dream got into my sleep again. It seemed that my family had moved to a new flat or we had renovation in a different house. My dad was alive and he shared a room with my mum, while my younger brother and I took another, and I finally had a proper space to sleep and a normal desk to work on inside the room. I was not sure if the dreams were linked, but I went into the army and was put on course again. While going through a practical test at a flat, the owner had some figures lay in front of him. Just as I asked him about the figure of a weird four-legged animal, it turned into real and started attacking my feet. It was as pain as what the stupid flown away green parrot did to me last time. Everyone remained calm as it was kind of a test for me. I woke up after being attacked a few times.

It was around 10am again and I really hated waking up with my chest stuffed due to getting upset in dreams. Dreams probably reflected on feeling well. I got up to start my system and tried to do some work. It was a morning of disaster when I realised the poem I did before going to bed was only saved during halfway. I could have clicked the wrong button to select “no” to saving the work after I closed the word document file. After making big attempts to recall what I had written originally, I started dozing off again as I took rest on the mattress and finally got up at around 2pm.

It was an absolutely boring afternoon. The television distracted me badly as usual in the evening.

Traffic for SmokeForWhat dropped. Even though I knew well it could never be consistently staying at peak since I could not expect many people to surf about smoking related stuffs everyday, it was still pretty disappointing.

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Bad Dream Again

[Thursday, 22 July, 2010]

Going to bed after 3am, the last time I checked the clock was at 5am. I had weird dream again and this time, my university was attacked by creatures. I went to the washroom, leaving my camera on a wheeled chair outside and it went missing. I went after a big batch of secondary school students who were nearby but could not find it.

After waking up, I continued with the Photoshop to help Huiting with her website and that was the main thing I did for the day. I was too engrossed that I gave up going to the gym.

It was a slow night.

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Scrubbing the Table Real Hard

[Wednesday, 14 July, 2010]

The day started with me scrubbing the table hard together with my brother and mum after we removed the big three feet fish tank. The stains left behind were more than just years of algae, pink and green in colours. It took almost every effort I could but not more than ten percents of the disgusting colours was removed. We sprayed liquids to soak the table before we left for supper at the prata shop.

After the meal, my brother went to clear up the bathroom while he took his bath and I continued to scrub the table with my mum’s new weapons. I began to see results in my exhaustion and at the risk of direct contacting with the mixed chemicals. I went to bed after 4am.

Andy woke me up at 9+am with his SMS. I continued with my website but dozed off a few times in the day. I was plagued with lots of dreams throughout my sleep.

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Marina Barrage under the Threatening Sky

[Wednesday, 21 April, 2010]

I caught the second half of the soccer match between Barcelona against Inter Milan with my brother. Having being jobless at the same time allowed us to communicate more.

I had a weird dream again. I was going to my uncle’s house and no matter how I tried, I could never locate it. I was as determined as usual and did not give up even though I got back to the same places again and again. I often had such dream with similar plot – doing my best and yet could not reach my destination. I came to sense and moved my physical body, after which, knowing I was dreaming, I forced myself to wake up to reduce my weariness of the search. Dream was taxing and after so many years of wondering, I could confirm it was due to one’s own imagination.

I had a slack afternoon before going off for a jog. It was one of the lousiest trips ever for I could feel my knees tearing apart at the first few steps. I persisted but the stitch on my stomach, probably caused by the water I took with the medicine before stepping out of the house, slowed me down a lot. In the mid of the journey, I could guess my timing was going to be terrible.

Even though it rained in the afternoon, the dark was still gray and threatening. By the time I reached Marina Barrage, I could only see darkness. I was not sure if the sun had set earlier or the dark cloud had made the entire sky much darker. The place was quieter than usual and only two groups of people were flying kites. I lay down near the corner after going up the slope and the freezing weather rested my mind. When I sat up, it took less than half a minute for the wet patch on the concrete to dry up. I was lazier than usual and collapsed again. Many things flew through the hollow sight with the towel covering my eyes.

Suddenly, many people walked pass and I was sure they were tourists but their languages were quite weird. They sounded like Thais but I could not confirm. When I looked at my watch, I was amazed of the ticking time. I was down there for around forty-five minutes without feeling the length.

I took off soon, feeling tougher than before but my knees were pleading me not to move off too fast. The heavy traffic at the T-junction before the Marina Bay MRT station, leading to Shenton Way, was probably slowed me down for more than half a minute. I reached Singapore Conference Hall at another disappointing timing, even though it was better than the earlier one.

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College West BNS Farewell BBQ

[Saturday, 27 February, 2010]

Saturday morning, I woke up late. It was not long before I started dozing off again and a dream terrorized me. My elder brother brought many drunk friends home to house them in the middle of the night and I was furious. I woke up with my chest feeling uncomfortable.

I went to see the Chinese physician at around 2.30pm. I was amazed when she told me the details of my tongue was more visible and thus she could see that my stomach’s issue was recovering. She warned me not to take too much of the plum product even though it could help my stomach a lot, because it was too salty.

I went to Zaki’s place at Parc Emily, reaching there at 3.40pm. Nobody else had reached. Zaki vacuumed his place before we went down to set up the barbecue stuffs. I went for a swim with Elvin later but he was not ready for a long swim. I finished seventeen laps inside the very well maintained pool, and had to stop in the next lap due to the heavy meal I took before that.

Joy’s son, Jerome, was my delight of the night. Magdalene managed to heat up his enthusiasm. Weitat could have kidnapped him if only he was confident enough to carry little kids.

I went for a last dip into the pool, completing another two laps with Zaki before ending the party. Carrying the leftover stuffs up to the studio apartment strained myself more. The remaining of them had a few rounds of Wii game. The night ended earlier than I had expected. I was exhausted. I stay behind a little longer than the rest with Zaki and Siti. After that, Zaki sent me home on his way to his friend’s house.

My brothers and my elder brother’s girlfriend wanted to go for supper and I accompanied them without my mum since she had already taken some food. I had my usual two plain roti prata and 100plus to hydrate myself.

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Year 2009 – Year of Hidden Fuel

Year 2009 was one of the busiest years in my life, having to cope with both work and studies, let alone my dreams. Time management was never my forte. I knew well I could never excel in any of them given the time restriction, but I had to persist on in order to get my degree at least.

Jingkun was the person who urged me to further my studies. I was never keen in continuing with my studies anymore for I was more or less set for pursuing a different career, not under the corporate ladder. Since my diploma was related, I was able to skip two years of the course to proceed to the third year directly, and that was the reason I was willing to take it up.

I got to know more cute students in ITE Clementi and I became closer to more of my colleagues, whom I regarded them as life saviours, building paths for the future. Nevertheless, my frustration to leave the workplace despite all the good elements was too strong that I struggled to stay more for the money. Sometimes, I hated myself for being a money slave. I was all set to leave by the end of the year but the kindest boss in the world needed my help due to shortage of staffs, I staggered my way towards the next couple of months of the new year. After more than two years of struggle, I finally managed to enjoy a full week of holidays without much worries regarding work.

Irwin’s idea to start a small business with me was put on hold due to our tight schedules. He came back to Singapore a few times but there were a couple of times he flew off before we could even meet up. The few times we met up were either to cheer each other up or together with other people.

Due to the time constraint, I was strayed badly away from my friends. No gathering was organised by me and I had to turn down some outings as well. I did not even go out with my buddies, Gilbert and Peh Kian wee anymore. I even missed sending greeting to some of my friends on their birthdays, putting a pause to my yearly initiative to do my part to make them slightly happier.

Family’s relationship was stable enough. I had a dispute with my elder brother’s girlfriend once, which made the entire family, including relatives, predict the future; I was sad. One major problem was regarding money, which my mum had been pouring into my ears indirectly every now and then. The bills of the family were gigantic and I was disgusted because it was crap, knowing there was so much we could do to reduce it. The big fish tank besides my work station and two new birds owned by my elder brother never failed to irritate me, especially after midnight. Upon finishing my studies, I was glad that I could spend more time with my younger brother, at the expense of stalling of work.

Financial was stable since I did not quit my job. Apart from paying the extreme high school fee, I spent more than ever on food during lunch with colleagues. Going out with family often burned my pockets. I tried to save as much as possible so that I could go jobless for months after quitting my job.

Relationship was of ups and downs. I got together with a very good girl but communication was a barrier somehow and. Then I tried to be a saint and sank into a pool of acidic love unprepared. I looked back and realised I could have written a non-friction love story that could strike the entire Singapore; it was all typed out but I had no intention to expose lies since there was no hatred for all the cruelty done to me. Somehow, my perception for love was changed, to an unknown extent, and my enthusiastic to help lost sheep was massacred. It was a good experience to expose myself to the ugly side of the world. The resistance for relationship was stronger than ever.

Health was worse than ever. Moments of sadness brought my body down. Apart from the usual sore throat, cough and flu, the Chinese physician saw a problem with my stomach, which was causing me suffering after each meal if I did not rest enough before walking.

My dreams to start my websites were never near finishing lines. The fuel within me was ready to heat up but I could never restore my energy.

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Worse than Nightmare

I dozed off quite early, leaving my work unattended. It was a comfortable sleep since my mum did not turn on the air-conditioner, which was extremely rare. The weather was too good for sleep. I did not wear my shirt and the blanket was never on top of me.

It could be one of the best sleeps I ever had if not for a nightmare, which was scarier than having a headless ghost swinging in front of me – the return – my greatest fear which I was too soft to reject.

I woke up feeling more comfortable on my body than usual, but sadness swept over my head. Emotion was tensed.

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