再度失去了你

那一夜,雨后的天晴鼓起了热舞,我几乎不敢相信事实,你和我单独共享一夜美景。我看着你的笑容,刺疼了我的心。我离你曾经的快乐好远,心酸就仿佛夺走了我的生命。我要给你的好多好多,是整夜都给不完的幸福。

我知道他人都会笑我太傻,因为我病得不轻,走过的路仿佛都有我拖着的脚印,我仍然为你前往。毕竟这是我梦寐以求的一夜,就算要我趴着、滚着,就算天崩地裂,我都会撑着去见你。

我是最幸福的人。我终于可以和你长时交谈,而能帮你减轻你的委屈是我的快乐。那一夜我盼望着路会更长、时间会停止。

可是就在那一夜,我们开着玩笑时我终于发现了我早已失去了我的生命力。我沉默了好几阵子,你也似乎没留意到我的哀伤。这突如其来的剑好锋利,刺穿了我的心。

我不愈的病加重,而那说好已麻木的心却哭了出来。一个简单的问题,我却要十多公里后才开得了口。那是我半年前的预测,如今却还是难以收拾这沉重的心情。再度失去的悲哀无法用言语来表达,遗憾在我心上刻了永恒的疤痕。因为当初没更努力,我终于学会了后悔。

就在每个漆黑的夜晚我会更想念,回味我们吵吵闹闹、口不对心的暧昧,因为这一切是我最快乐和珍惜的时光。和你交谈时的顺畅,不需要掩饰,更不用提防,绝对无人可取代。

祝福的话我开不了口,伤心也说不出嘴,只有心中期盼着他能给你真正的快乐。憔悴里千百个不愿意最终只能希望你在快乐和悲伤时都会想起我,因为无论在何时或何处,我都会义不容辞地捍卫着你。

Words are Cheap but They still Rule Eventually

People who know how to create opportunities are usually the winners.

There are too many things I feel are hypocrite to do and thus I’m avoiding them. I’m a person who does not over-promise and I believe actions will prove everything.

I think I’m right yet I’m very wrong in another aspect that there may not even be a chance for me to display my sincerity.

Girls love the feeling of being wooed but how many guys can cherish them for long after winning their hearts?

Promises of never-ending loves always come too early and I have yet to lie about it in my entire life; I do not promise things that I’m not certain about yet.

Words are getting cheaper everyday, yet many people continue to buy them.

The world leaves no room for losers but I will struggle to stay alive just to see her being happy.

Year 2011 – Year of Living in the Mountain

Year 2011 was one of the worst years in my life. It was a year of isolation that I hardly met up with anyone. Most friends were busy with their own lives and work, and all the outing that some of my ex colleagues had promised to organise vanished with time. I was, in fact, too busy to meet up with old friends individually. One of the ex polytechnic class outing turned out to be disaster when all, except Wenchang, dropped out at the tick of the clock. The lack of communication with people offline made me a duller guy. There was no romance like the previous year, which marked another two years of single life for me. I was not really in a hurry to get a girlfriend since I was not financially stable yet. Sometimes I did turn lonely but work had kept me well occupied. I also knew well that my time was too tight, but on another note, a girl could actually spice up my life and make me push myself harder in my work, which could be a positive effect. It was all about fate after all. I was physically weakened for the minimal number workout sessions I had. I went back to ITE College West for volleyball for about twice and hardly did any jogging. The most tedious workout I did was when I went to Fitness First with Gilbert, but just for at most once per week, and I was mostly lazing about there. There were times when we skipped the outing for more than a month. All gym sessions were accompanied by big feast. I was very annoyed by numerous major incidents that happened in Singapore. The unfairness and deception caused by the greed of rich people were unbearable. There were plentiful of sad news such as public transportation prices were raised to make the rich people richer, while the trains and tracks were discovered to be unmaintained for ten years, only after major breakdown incidents with the service provider taking inhuman actions and responses. I realised I had to live with the great injustice in this society because there was nothing much I could do when I could not even fend for my own life. My family got into a major conflict once when things started to explode between my younger brother and my elder brother’s girlfriend after years of toleration. When everyone started to speak up, there were great improvements although many friends still felt sorry for the house owner and two brothers had to squeeze inside a bedroom so as to allow the elder brother to have a bedroom with his girlfriend who stayed overnight regularly in the same house. By then, my elder brother’s girlfriend had grown fonder of our dog and bought him more food and goodies than she bought for the rest of us, and thus my elder brother’s life got better. However, I found it a great insult when his girlfriend banned me from using her pillow whenever I went over to that bedroom, even though the dog was using it like nobody’s business every day. It reminded me of Bruce Lee’s movies that “Chinese and dogs are not allowed into the foreigners’ restaurant”, but I was worse than a dog. Things were still going well after all, in fact, it was much better. My mum’s super ultimate regular visits to the hospital and polyclinic for check-ups and follow-ups caused great problems as she expected companion. Each trip would waste two to four hours of time because of the inefficient system that required patients to wait for long. I hated the idea of my mum expecting us to foot the bill for her because it was totally unnecessary at the moment and that any excess money with her could be cheated off easily. The time wasted could help me to relax at home. I did not join my mum and younger brother for their overseas trips. Even though there was once when my mum’s friend’s husband had things on, I did not take up the free ticket. Apart from being thrifty, my work did not allow me to have any holiday. Work would only pile up. Finance was sustainable for me somehow although I only started earning my first cent from my tuition agency in February. However, I soon started to feel frustrated when the amount of effort and hard work I put in did not produce good results for me. I was in fact earning much lesser than I was working in ITE as a lecturer. The increasingly pressure on the expenses for both family and business caused frustration in me. Overall, after striving hard for a year, I was not rich but at least I did not starve. My elder brother was jobless most of the time, which added weights to my brain since I had to pay for most of the stuffs together with my younger brother, partly due to my mum’s constant nagging in front of me. I spent quite a sum of money on a double decker bed frame with a pull-out bed at the bottom to house my younger brother, my mum and I inside the small bedroom. It was due to my mum’s complaints of not able to get up from the mattress we initially placed on the floor easily and that she often knocked her head onto the old bed frame due to the height. Next was the changing of lighting in my house as to reduce electricity bill, which did not show results due to the increasing electricity cost. The old lighting had two tubes of round light-bulb each and the inner smaller light-bulb’s electricity consume alone was crazy enough. The third expensive item I had bought was a Fujifilm camera recommended by my elder brother due to his read-up of internet reviews during the IT show, which turned out to be a total waste of money. We lost trust in forum’s reviews. Anyway, I knew I should have spent more money to get a cheap DSLR camera instead, which I had wished for donkey years, even though my younger brother preferred a more compact one. Besides not able to catch up with friends, I was dealt deadly blows twice in this very lousy year. I was initially into planning with Tze Khit’s friends for a new business venture when I was already too tight with my tuition agency. I decided to drop out in the end and somehow, someone backstabbed me, which caused Andrew to confront me. As I thought things were fine, I realised I had lost a good friend when I was deleted away from his Facebook friends list. The lost of a friend, including the fact that I was being falsely accused, dwelled in my brain for months. I began the year in Mike’s office as a freeloader to work on my own business. I was too greedy as a perfectionist but I set my priority quite right to increase credibility and efficiency of coordinators by adding and editing useful features. I started from scratch without any knowledge of the business, whereby it required real life experience to further explore, and thus I had to make changes to the website’s features very often. Nobody could understand the amount of work I had put in when I was the sole person in charge of the researching, designing, coding, debugging, content writing, internet marketing and administrating etc. I had to choose between less prioritised tasks that would require more effort if I did not finish them earlier and important tasks that were more critical but could be more tedious. There were immediate tasks, such as to approve tutors’ profile, verifying of their documents and SEO, which was extremely time-consuming, leaving little energy for me to work on other tasks. There were also times, which I had to help the coordinators to even “debug” Gmail or bugless feature on my website. It could be a very good business many years ago but it was already too saturated and that the levy was actually very low. I learned many tricks regarding Search Engine Optimization from Mike. However, he got impatient with the progress of my work as a mentor. He expected more results from me even though he could not understand clearly the thousands of problems I was facing for operating a partially offline business without experience in business – both online and offline. Every month, he would also raise issues and talk to me in a very irritated tone. The pressure on me started driving me crazy and massacring my confidence when everything I did with my greatest effort seemed to be wrong. I became moody like a zombie with my existing struggles with everything and had phobia going to the office. There was a major communication breakdown somehow and I started to fear talking to him. I could not live up to his expectation even as a normal human as I became weary of everything, not knowing how to show him any slight of appreciation while I was almost breaking down mentally. In the end, he told me he had observed me for over ten months and that I had failed him, and we would revert back to good friends instead of mentor-student status. The thing that hurt me most was my misunderstanding that we had always trusted each other fully since the army days and that was why he had been guiding me along. I ended the last few months of the year with worsened sleepless nights tossing around my bed. I hated myself for not being capable enough to prove my worth so that many things would not have happened and refusing to become a person who could suck up to people. I could have borrowed some of his time from his girlfriend to give him a treat or get him a present even though I was suffering from fatigue all the while to even think of these. Year 2011 was yet another scar in my life.

It is just Me

I was totally taken aback to meet someone who could use excuses to create numerous opportunities for himself in a single day. I could see through everything clearly but I was not sure if others did find them obvious. Perhaps, it was simply none of their concerns. I am never a competitive person in many events. I dislike using schemes or doing anything that may seem hypocrite. It depends totally on individuals to judge and feel my sincerity. However, things often do not turn out well for me. I am trying to restrain myself for being a busybody but you can probably be pulled away by me before reaching the death door. Most of the time, I do things quietly or in a way that you will not realise there is a difference. Even when I am saying something to help you, I will put it in a way that you will feel being teased. I feel more appreciated if someone can appreciate me by discovering little things that I have done and great things that I will do. Alas, we have to face reality that most people are too busy to give a glance to a quiet worker. I have to admit that I am a total loser in both friendship and relationship.

The Most Attractive Doctor Ever

Last Thursday, I went to the National Skin Centre for my appointment. Since the nurse at the registration counter told me I would have to wait for at least 45 minutes, I did not fully pay attention to the electrical board. I was reading news on my phone when I heard my name being called. I quickly rushed to the room and was taken aback. The girl sitting at the doctor’s seat was the prettiest doctor I had ever visited. What stunned me most was her body movement for I had not seen such an energetic doctor before. She spoke with accent and swept my soul right and left. I supposed she had just graduated from overseas. I did not even have three hours of sleep but that was probably not the main reason I could not catch her questions sometimes – my English was really bad. My bouncing heart had most likely made things worse. I felt embarrassed that I could not communicate well with her. This illustrates clearly why I cannot get a girlfriend. I like Asian girls who are westernized and hyperactive but I’m very weak in my English language and I have since long ago trained to be very dull due to poor family background. I also crack very cold jokes, which very few people would appreciate. Even though I have been ranting about “chiobu” almost every day, I’m definitely not looking for models as my girlfriend. I focus more on the actions, reactions and elegance of the girl. It is challenging enough for any normal girl to take notice of me. I dare not dream. Though I need someone to take care of me badly right now, I’m more worried about my work.

I’m Not Ready

When I answered the auntie next to my office that I did not have a girlfriend, she asked if I were not interested in girls. For once I did not have any interest to joke and immediately denied her. There are too many reasons why I’m not hurrying to get one. To sound really bad, it is simply because no girl is interested in me. On a more positive note, most people should be able to tell that I’m not ready yet. I have been struggling with work for very long and I can hardly spend enough time to accompany anyone. I’m realistic and know well I’m not able to give a girl a good life in my current situation. The cost of living in Singapore is ridiculous. Somehow, something is hindering me from fantasizing about beautiful stories. The phobia is dreadful. So far, no one has the power to make me overcome it. I may drool over a girl but I’m not moving at all and there can never be a chance.

她不晓得我.爱她

她不晓得我在忙些什么,
只督促我要开始为生活奋斗。
我欢喜又哀伤,
因为她的关心似乎盖不过她的不了解。

她不知我早已有了开始,
而辛苦时总会想着要继续为她努力。
我却早已明白一切已晚,
也不再期盼。

因为我不曾拥有,我不怕会失去 ,
而朋友间就能显得更尖酸刻薄。
她永远也不会晓得,
就让她继续这样快乐下去。

Skai Chan @ http://sillydumb.com

Friend as Spare Tyre

A person would usually neglect her friends slowly when she is indulging in being pursued or in love.

There has not been anyone who can manage to prove this fact wrong.

She would only bother to talk to you when she falls from her temporary happiness. She feels lonely or needs someone to console her.

Perhaps, there is no forever-close-friendship between a girl and a guy, but love.

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Self

When a human does something, the focus would be on either of the two parties – self or others. There could be a mixture of both, but one’s weightage would be higher than another’s.

“If I do this, what will happen to me?”
“If I do this, what will happen to him?

A person who is more self thought would rather harm others than to lose a strand of hair. Staying closely with him is always at a losing end. He may help you given that he is already on a safe zone, or, unless he knows well he needs your help in near future. He never realises the meaning of “If he’s happy, I’m happy too”.

A person who is willing to sacrifice more for others will tend to lose some benefits in the surface; but within him are peace and joys. He feels more secured for someone would definitely lend him a helping hand in future without asking.

Another way of differentiating the two types of person is through the daily activities he wishes to engage in.

“This is fun, let’s play together.”
“This is good for your future, let’s do it together.”

A self thought person looks at things that are beneficent to him; a worthy friend looks at what you really need and urges you to take up.

I have met the extreme of both types of people. The first type has almost ruined my life; whereas the second type pushes me to get my degree and driving licence, and anything else that can upgrade myself.

Can love make a difference? The perception of human being is difficult to be changed and so far I have not witnessed any success case.

Nevertheless, if a person cannot think and sacrifice more for his love one in a positive way, his life is absurd.

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Year 2009 – Year of Hidden Fuel

Year 2009 was one of the busiest years in my life, having to cope with both work and studies, let alone my dreams. Time management was never my forte. I knew well I could never excel in any of them given the time restriction, but I had to persist on in order to get my degree at least.

Jingkun was the person who urged me to further my studies. I was never keen in continuing with my studies anymore for I was more or less set for pursuing a different career, not under the corporate ladder. Since my diploma was related, I was able to skip two years of the course to proceed to the third year directly, and that was the reason I was willing to take it up.

I got to know more cute students in ITE Clementi and I became closer to more of my colleagues, whom I regarded them as life saviours, building paths for the future. Nevertheless, my frustration to leave the workplace despite all the good elements was too strong that I struggled to stay more for the money. Sometimes, I hated myself for being a money slave. I was all set to leave by the end of the year but the kindest boss in the world needed my help due to shortage of staffs, I staggered my way towards the next couple of months of the new year. After more than two years of struggle, I finally managed to enjoy a full week of holidays without much worries regarding work.

Irwin’s idea to start a small business with me was put on hold due to our tight schedules. He came back to Singapore a few times but there were a couple of times he flew off before we could even meet up. The few times we met up were either to cheer each other up or together with other people.

Due to the time constraint, I was strayed badly away from my friends. No gathering was organised by me and I had to turn down some outings as well. I did not even go out with my buddies, Gilbert and Peh Kian wee anymore. I even missed sending greeting to some of my friends on their birthdays, putting a pause to my yearly initiative to do my part to make them slightly happier.

Family’s relationship was stable enough. I had a dispute with my elder brother’s girlfriend once, which made the entire family, including relatives, predict the future; I was sad. One major problem was regarding money, which my mum had been pouring into my ears indirectly every now and then. The bills of the family were gigantic and I was disgusted because it was crap, knowing there was so much we could do to reduce it. The big fish tank besides my work station and two new birds owned by my elder brother never failed to irritate me, especially after midnight. Upon finishing my studies, I was glad that I could spend more time with my younger brother, at the expense of stalling of work.

Financial was stable since I did not quit my job. Apart from paying the extreme high school fee, I spent more than ever on food during lunch with colleagues. Going out with family often burned my pockets. I tried to save as much as possible so that I could go jobless for months after quitting my job.

Relationship was of ups and downs. I got together with a very good girl but communication was a barrier somehow and. Then I tried to be a saint and sank into a pool of acidic love unprepared. I looked back and realised I could have written a non-friction love story that could strike the entire Singapore; it was all typed out but I had no intention to expose lies since there was no hatred for all the cruelty done to me. Somehow, my perception for love was changed, to an unknown extent, and my enthusiastic to help lost sheep was massacred. It was a good experience to expose myself to the ugly side of the world. The resistance for relationship was stronger than ever.

Health was worse than ever. Moments of sadness brought my body down. Apart from the usual sore throat, cough and flu, the Chinese physician saw a problem with my stomach, which was causing me suffering after each meal if I did not rest enough before walking.

My dreams to start my websites were never near finishing lines. The fuel within me was ready to heat up but I could never restore my energy.

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