Still in prints

[Tuesday, 11 July, 2006]

Suddenly I begin to see a different picture of things. Everything may just seem too beautiful right now but it may not be like it appears.

Because time can be the evil and distance can be the devil, I will never let a slack out of them. But can reality be changed? Can chances be bought? Can the history be erased? Can I implement the isolation from unnecessary troubles which will at the end comes back to me as a causal passing remark, which I will not be able to advise anymore?

The deletion of the fore hero seems too tricky that everyone is still able to start guessing; whereas, comments and promises to wipe out are too vague. If you put them in print and state a different opinion, there is bound to be confusion.

It casts a thorn in my flesh and a sabre in my heart that I am of a great distortion, being harassed by the reality and unforeseen.

Am I insane? Do I have the ability to judge and counsel? Am I seeing things clearer than anyone else? Are my eyes playing tricks on me and am I bringing myself to my tombstone?

Are you mature enough to distinguish between your interest and fantasy?

Actions speak louder than words.

Because of falling

Disappointment is when you speed against time to realise it is not your effort alone that helps. Disappointment is when you want to help someone so much but you fail to get the chance. Disappointment is when you wish to see and be the first and yet you wait in vain. Disappointment is when the beautiful day is set aside with rejection of invitation, but to realise you are going to be alone.

Each time I pin a high hope, it begins from climbing a mountain and falling from the sky.

I am ready to face any setback because the world is cruel and I have always experienced. Thus I instigate myself not to be too engrossed because one day I might not be living with this fortunate.

One and two

I’ve lost two friends, both being taken away by two girls.

One of them had been with me since secondary school days, when we went through dirt and bruises together. It wasn’t the happiest period of my life, but at least I wasn’t alone.

He was the first to leave, straying away from out outings and trainings. Often, he didn’t even pick up our calls or reply to our messages.

Next was someone who I got to know during my JC days. He was full of craps and often helped to organise our outings and trainings.

One man alone wouldn’t make much difference, but his absence had actually made the group quieter, and somehow caused our disperse slowly.

These holes are challenges, which I must fill up, before everything falls apart.

I despise him

During a war, a general led his men to the battle ground. He places them on the fore ground while he hid at the back.

I despise him.

A despicable left his friends to clear the shit. He returned hours later to see everything shine and send them away. Then he claimed to their superior that he had done the job.

I despise him.

When death arrives

What is death? Is it the beginning of another life or the ending of suffers? It comes to my mind once again out of sudden. Sometimes I do have this feeling that I’m going to die any moment, soon.

Perhaps, I’m just too tired. I’m curious to know what will happen after my death and how people would feel. I guess it will be like in the movies, where some shed crocodile’s tears just to show others that they are nice people. Who will really be sad? I want to read everyone’s minds when I’m floating without my body.

However, there are still so many incomplete works waiting for me. My efforts would lie in vain. I try to do all I can everyday, somehow still lagging far behind. I stare at my works, each looks so complicated and together, they put me down on bed with my hands pressing on to my head. I just cannot concentrate, or even get any of them done. I feel like dying sometimes.

If you’ve realised, I’m always choosing the “avoid” method to overcome each problem. For all I know, avoiding should be the last resolve, which is the least preferred solution to most problems. I just need a good rest, long enough to replenish my worn out soul.

I’m so tired. It’s so difficult to get myself being understood. It’s so tedious trying each day, and suddenly I just wonder if the person worth it. I’m feeling my legs weaker each day; I don’t even know my own condition well. My frequent gastric pain is acting weirdly and my stomach hates me deeper each day. The doctor suspects ulcer in the stomach, though I don’t think I can be so “lucky”, the symptom somehow matches.

One day if I’m found with terminal, can I choose not to go for any treatment so that I can die earlier?

Eyes on you

Do you realise how hard it takes to maintain eyes contact with a stranger of the different gender? It’s a method to test if she’s interested in you; somehow might seem rude to some people. You give her a good glance and when she notices you, smile at her. I can never do that.

How many guys can achieve that and out of them, how many are flirts? It takes so much courage to take the risk of being called a pervert or even being rejected nastily. After all, it’s the first step to make friends with your eye-candies.

The confidence it takes to succeed has to overcome one’s own pride; it will eventually boost the girl’s ego and you don’t know if she’s a bitch. But if you don’t try, how would you know?