Happy Valentine’s Day

You were probably out with someone else and had enjoyed your night. On this romantic night, your hand could have felt warm.

True lovers just want their loved ones to be happy.

Are you happy?

On this very same day of every year, I felt the same. Luck was never with me.

It is never peer pressure that has caused me to fall for anyone; I am never searching for anything except the feeling of happiness.

I do not take on a battle that I have no chance to win and I never want anyone to suffer with me before I make my mark. I do not belittle myself but I am realistic about my current situation. I do not make empty promises.

Most girls prefer guys who can promise them the stars even though they subconsciously know that it is impossible. They love flowery words and the feeling of being wooed.

I am a person who “under-promise and over-deliver”. There are always two sides for everything – good and bad. At least, people who appreciate me will trust and feel comfortable with me – they have fewer disappointments and more surprises.

Some people say that I am stubborn but everyone, regardless of any horoscope, has his own insistence on certain things. There are many things that some people, including me, cannot bring ourselves to do, and they are far different from being stubborn.

I am not someone who would get flowers. I would rather buy gold than diamond.

Not many girls would fancy a guy like me.

Valentine’s Day is a joke for me.

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Not a Good Time for Birthday

It was a different birthday from the past twenty plus years. There was nothing special except that it happened to be a down period.

I am never good at expressing myself verbally nor physically; but it does not mean I do not care. Friends who know well enough should understand that I am much more emotional than most people. Little things can easily affect me a lot and forbid me from dozing off. I have been trying to kick my bad habit but many friends have somehow aided the devil within me. I am failing badly.

I have been doing self-reflecting more than usual – and in fact it is my daily habit. If you were to use my horoscope to describe me as stubborn, this is perhaps the best example because I am not good at apple-polishing and not want to pick it up. But come to think of it – who is never stubborn in certain aspects or things that he or she strongly believes? If you have been insisting in things being done in your way or expecting your analysis to be perfect, does it show that you are more stubborn than any Scorpion?

If you have a certain opinion on someone, have you ever look back at yourself to check if you are actually far ahead in the same attribute? If someone has not done something that you think is necessary, which by not doing so will not cause any harm to anyone, will you pass a certain judgement on him without considering what have been stopping him?

I am extremely lack of skill to even take care of myself to anticipate what others may need. For me, I always try to keep things simple. I will not try to get or do things that are non-essential. I also do not wish to be tied down by anything. If you are judging me based on the lack of these, you probably do not know me well enough to even judge.

Perhaps, I can see how much I have changed over the past year – my self-esteem has been totally wiped off. I guess that is worse than the lost of my creativity and smiles. I am being drained off of everything.

I do not hope for much, except that nobody will put more unnecessary pressure on me due to imaginative. I need more time to sort things out and get essential things done before I can sit down to think of how to become a better person in all aspects such that nobody will ever feel being neglected by me.

This birthday has received fewer wishes than the previous one, which describes how I have been distancing away from friends. If I have a choice, will I not choose to be everyone’s best friend?

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Life – to Enjoy?

It is a lonely night where the street lights ahead glow dimmer and dimmer. A man dragging a bag of a hundred tonnes staggers forward. He never seems to have a slight thought of stopping. Days after days, he gets more distanced from familiar faces. He finally collapses when his torn feet can no longer carry the wrecked body.

We never know how long our lifespans are. Are we supposed work hard so that we do not age to start begging for money; or enjoy life as we move on because we never know we may collapse the next day?

If you are born in a poor family, you probably have no choice after all, even though work all day makes a man dull and kills his creativity.

What can make things worse is when people try putting extra burdens on you when you can hardly catch a gasp of breathe. You can risk putting relationship at stake if you do not want to suffocate yourself.

Some nights I do dream of my legs powerless. I understand well what it symbolises in the reality. It is never fun to struggle strengthlessly.

Do I have to hurt myself more before I can learn to enjoy myself?

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Voluntary Work at Sarah Home Again

[Saturday, 15 January, 2011]

I was working hard on SEO for the tuition agency site when Sae Yeoh messaged me in MSN regarding my 2011 Singapore Calendar Planner. I sent her the original copy so that she could make amendments. I was glad that she told me she was going to help out at Sarah Home as well because I was lazy to find out more from Huiting and that Baoyu did not reply my last SMS. I went to bed at 5.30am.

I woke up before 8am and knowing that the team would be late, I took my own sweet time and left my house at around 8.30am. I managed to reach Sarah Home very soon and got myself a small bao at the coffee shop nearby. While waiting downstairs, a cat fell from the second storey by the side and screamed as it ran off immediately. Eventually I decided to go upstairs to wait for them.

As Huiting and her gang arrived, we proceeded to work very quickly. I was stunned when I was told that we would be doing painting and not moving things like Baoyu had told me. I regretted not wearing shabbier clothes along. Baoyu arrived later and joined my team, and we started our usual debating. It was a tough but enjoyable moment. When the old paint started to peel off when it was wetted with the new paint, we saw a greater challenge to scrub them off. The owner of the house was very afraid that we might drag on till very late and told us not to do the extra work.

Lunch was at around 1pm. We went down to the Sarah Home centre for the chicken rice, which was quite dry and plain taste. I was quite amazed that there was another big group of volunteers and I believed they were merely doing spring cleaning for the elderly residents. However, when the leader started his religious preaching, I was disgusted. I would love to do voluntary work in an environment where everyone, regardless of religion, was giving off his best to the needy without any other agenda.

The auntie of the house bought bubble tea for us because she overheard Baoyu mentioning about rewarding herself with it after we finished the painting. As the hardship dragged on, I threw out more craps in order to entertain them. In the end, Huiting and Baoyu took their revenge by making me the cameraman for the group photos. Sae Yeoh thought I was upset over it.

We left the place at around 5pm in the rain. We took bus to Tiong Bahru Plaza and then transit to train. After showering, I dozed off almost immediately and woke up near 8pm. I had fried rice for dinner.

I started doing SEO for the tuition agency site when Sae Yeoh chased me for the photos.

It seemed that nobody, except Mike, could see the hard work I had been putting in everyday, working non-stop to make my life dull and stressful. It took a lot for me to spend a day doing voluntary work instead of working on my own stuffs when I was still financially tight, because afterwards I would have to work even harder. I was of no difference to a robot, except that I could appreciate updates from friends in Facebook that would take a few minutes off my time to keep me away from working.

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Slept for Twelve Hours

[Thursday, 9 December, 2010]

I went to bed at 3am and eventually slept for twelve hours, waking up at 3pm.

I spent the afternoon working on my tuition agency website and I set off to the gym earlier than usual. After doing workout, I accompanied Bobby and John for shirts amendment. Bobby had his early dinner and I followed him back to chat with him.

On the way, he made very impactful comments on SEO. He would spend a high budget on Google AdWords to get his site up on top so that he could speed up the progress of earning more money. If the site failed to generate a lot of money, he would have known it earlier to save time. He was one of the greatest offline businessmen I had ever met.

Anyway, I tried out the fighting game on the Xbox 360 Kinect before Bobby started to rearrange the placement of the game set. I stayed on to see if I could offer any tiny help and dragged on until around 7.30pm before I went home. I actually thought it was a Friday.

I started working on my tuition agency website again.

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Stalking Cameras

[Tuesday, 12 October, 2010]

I soon realised I was embarking on a slow progressing week of my life that I was too lazy to do anything much efficient.

I got to chat with Anthea on webcam in the evening. It was good since most of my friends did not like to use it, and some would even lie that they did not have a webcam. We had trouble connecting through MSN Live and I got her to install Skype instead, knowing that MSN was problematic nowadays.

I went down to join my brothers to play with Lucky soon after they left the house. As usual, we had the scooter and waveboard with us. After sweating out, we decided to go to my mum to get two bucks to get two cups of slurpee from 7-11 store at Icon.

We questioned my mum’s ladyboss about the webcams that her husband had installed all over the shop and even some that were pointing out of the shop to intrude in privacy of others, but she claimed that most of the webcams were spoiled. We felt it was wrong for them to monitor their staffs this way when the wages were paid accordingly to the amount of work done and not that they were paid a fixed amount monthly that they would try to slack around.

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Getting Back on Feet for a Day

[Wednesday, 4 August, 2010]

The usual deep pondering caused my head spinning. I tried to break the record by going to bed before 1am since I knew it was going to be a boring morning in the internet but my mind refused to stop working. It took two hours for me to give up and start booting up my laptop.

A moment of frustration hit me hard to wake me up. For the past month, I had been strangling myself with greed that had slowed me down too much. I was never in mood for anything. I hated the fact that history always repeated itself.

I started warming up my engine and slowly sped off with blogging, website editing, clearing up my desktop and even uploading of old pending photos. Updating my portfolio with the Chinese poems was a pain in my ass. I realised I had not been adding the new ones for years and it seemed that I did not keep the new ones properly inside my poem files. I exhausted myself but I refused to stop until 7am. I did not feel like going to bed just like having a strike.

Zaki rang me up at around 11am and he guessed well that I was still in the mid of my sleep. He verbally answered to the email I sent him in the morning that our gang was not going overseas anymore for the upcoming long weekend, and he also asked if I knew how to fix router. I went back to sleep and woke up after 1pm.

It was a big struggle to keep my mind focused. I tried hard not to think of catching a movie. The concentration into web design did me well though my mind did wander off some times. The work lasted till late night before I emailed shifu guiltily after the long delay of work with the temporary location in my webhost.

The confession from Vanessa stating she used to be scared of me haunted me throughout the day. The claim was that I was too sharp. I began to reflect on myself for how many tales I had exposed in the past that had drawn people away. I was probably being too harsh to myself. Nevertheless, it was good to be different from hypocrites and only unique people would appreciate.

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The Great Man’s Lesson

“What is internal beauty?” one of the greatest men I have ever met laughed. The question sank into my brain instantly and stunned me as though I had discovered that I was living in a wrong body all these years. All of a sudden sincerity and self-sacrificing rebutted. I have never cared to impress with my appearance, and nobody has cared.

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Hereby I vow not to Waste any Saturday like this again

[Saturday, 20 March, 2010]

In life, we experience things in order to learn and “regain conscious”. Be it good or bad occurrences, they would impact strongly on our decision in future.

I have learned many things in just a Saturday alone.

For success, there is bound to have sacrifices; friendship and promises are just pawns. History will forever repeat itself for certain events.

In a relationship, a person who takes the other half for granted will always apologise; whereas, in a friendship, it will happen too. If you have done it once, twice, or thrice, will you simply shut up at the fourth time or latter since it is meaningless already?

I have learned that even the most trusted people would put the naive one to shame. I have learned to place the most important thing before anything else, putting off awkwardness like a holy saint. I have learned to smile more like a fool. I have learned how to fight for a team, which I am not part of.

I have learned the thousands of misfortunate truths in life. I have learned the fact, and more cruelty of life.

I have learned, I have witnessed, I have experienced.

This is a turning point of my life, which I have seen through the thin and fragile colourful masks, and I am ready to embark on a cleaner and more decent life without the lies and disrespect.

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