It is just Me

I was totally taken aback to meet someone who could use excuses to create numerous opportunities for himself in a single day. I could see through everything clearly but I was not sure if others did find them obvious. Perhaps, it was simply none of their concerns. I am never a competitive person in many events. I dislike using schemes or doing anything that may seem hypocrite. It depends totally on individuals to judge and feel my sincerity. However, things often do not turn out well for me. I am trying to restrain myself for being a busybody but you can probably be pulled away by me before reaching the death door. Most of the time, I do things quietly or in a way that you will not realise there is a difference. Even when I am saying something to help you, I will put it in a way that you will feel being teased. I feel more appreciated if someone can appreciate me by discovering little things that I have done and great things that I will do. Alas, we have to face reality that most people are too busy to give a glance to a quiet worker. I have to admit that I am a total loser in both friendship and relationship.

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How Many Ten-Years Do We Have In Our Lives?

One of my favourite Chinese drama shows, which had just ended recently, was Rosy Business. I was quite surprised that Gilbert did catch it as well. The story was based on the olden days of China during the Qing dynasty and I expected not many people would be interested in it. It was mainly about the family of the major rice seller in Wuxi, China. To them, it was not only about profit but the essential of lives of the people, and thus they had to fight against thugs and their evil family members to keep the business going and the price of rice low. I first caught it when I happened to have my dinner at home instead of dining out on a weekend. My curiosity was spiked by the great plot. It was a pity that I had missed out some of the exciting parts where the main characters applied intelligence to overcome problems. The show was not anything like “Huang Fei Hong” or Tom Cruise in “mission impossible”. The hero was not a saint; he made big mistakes and grew mature over times. His loyalty, courage and intelligence were impressive. The usual quote by the hero was “how many ten-years do we have in our lives?” and it clearly reminded everyone not to waste our lives. I know I have been ill-treating myself for the past twenty-plus years. Though I have not produced much result, I have clearly spent most of my entire life racing. I’m been trained not to have lust on food or travelling. I’m losing myself as days go by and soon becoming a zombie. I’m not a smart worker and I’m definitely bad at priority management. I have clearly disappointed many people. I’m never in need of money not because my family is rich but I rarely spend on myself. I’m used to mess around with hunger since polytechnic days. My dad’s last payslip wrote around $1300 before he passed away and my mum spent quite a sum of my dad’s leftovers (CPF and insurance) on renovation of the rundown house, insurance plans that she could not afford, crappy health magnetic mattresses and she even lent a big portion of it to her boss who had been abusing her verbally. One year before I went to the army for national service, I had to start skipping meals after volleyball games. Nobody can understand how much I have been through and thus no one is in the position to judge me. I have to work extra hard because I’m neither a genius nor apple-polisher. There are also some risks that I’m not able to take. I need to do something for my next ten years of life if I can live on.

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Not a Good Time for Birthday

It was a different birthday from the past twenty plus years. There was nothing special except that it happened to be a down period.

I am never good at expressing myself verbally nor physically; but it does not mean I do not care. Friends who know well enough should understand that I am much more emotional than most people. Little things can easily affect me a lot and forbid me from dozing off. I have been trying to kick my bad habit but many friends have somehow aided the devil within me. I am failing badly.

I have been doing self-reflecting more than usual – and in fact it is my daily habit. If you were to use my horoscope to describe me as stubborn, this is perhaps the best example because I am not good at apple-polishing and not want to pick it up. But come to think of it – who is never stubborn in certain aspects or things that he or she strongly believes? If you have been insisting in things being done in your way or expecting your analysis to be perfect, does it show that you are more stubborn than any Scorpion?

If you have a certain opinion on someone, have you ever look back at yourself to check if you are actually far ahead in the same attribute? If someone has not done something that you think is necessary, which by not doing so will not cause any harm to anyone, will you pass a certain judgement on him without considering what have been stopping him?

I am extremely lack of skill to even take care of myself to anticipate what others may need. For me, I always try to keep things simple. I will not try to get or do things that are non-essential. I also do not wish to be tied down by anything. If you are judging me based on the lack of these, you probably do not know me well enough to even judge.

Perhaps, I can see how much I have changed over the past year – my self-esteem has been totally wiped off. I guess that is worse than the lost of my creativity and smiles. I am being drained off of everything.

I do not hope for much, except that nobody will put more unnecessary pressure on me due to imaginative. I need more time to sort things out and get essential things done before I can sit down to think of how to become a better person in all aspects such that nobody will ever feel being neglected by me.

This birthday has received fewer wishes than the previous one, which describes how I have been distancing away from friends. If I have a choice, will I not choose to be everyone’s best friend?

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A Stressful Week

I don’t like to fall sick and I can’t afford to. I’m on my path to strive for my future and this is the route I have chosen, which differs from most people’s.

I don’t have medical leaves that others have. When I’m down, progress slow down and it will take longer for me to get away from poverty.

I know if I were to continue at the current pace, I will eventually do better than average people. I never want to give up not because I’m greedy but for my pride.

I may not be born in a silver spoon but I’m considered quite lucky to earn my experience. I have met worthy friends who have been showing me sincere concern – people who have been nagging at me to find a “proper” job. Though they don’t know my real concerns about my future and they never know I can begin something like now, I’m glad they have filled my life with true friendship.

I’m lucky because I manage to find a mentor who has been guiding me without demanding for any reward, except for a greater breakthrough in my progress. Though sometimes he may not understand the problems I’m facing is more than what he has analysed due to my lack of knowledge, I’m glad that the little skill I manage to absord out of his immortal web knowledge has managed to help me to struggle on.

I’m fighting hard to get things done as a perfectionist when I know clearly I’m still far from my own expectation. I’m not trained as a designer for corporate site nor have I worked as a programmer. I’m not even good in my language to create great contents. There are also administrative stuffs to handle such that I cannot focus on any of the tasks.

This week has been really bad. Having to debug the system means a reverse of progress. It has taken away not only my time but also my brain cells.

Now, I’m at the worst of my health after the stressful days.

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