Do This or That?

I’m pretty stuck in deciding whether to do this or that first.

I have been busy since secondary school days but as I age, the amount of loads increase rapidly till I have to give up on some. Working on hobbies and jobs are different. It seems that given less time, I become less creative.

This is not life.

On the Verge of Collapsing

Life has become more unpredictable than ever since the beginning of this year.

My younger brother and I were always at loggerheads when we were young. He has, however, grown up to become a very sensible person and we become very close.

As I have been putting stress on myself without taking much rest, I am prepared to die of brain cancer or similar illness at a young age. I used to think that I can depend on him to take care of my mum when I am gone.

When he notified me that his body was acting weird, I was lost.

A few days later, when he returned from Bali, we went straight to the Accident and Emergency (A&E) department of Singapore General Hospital (SGH). It was one of my most hated places. Scenes over there were nasty, especially when I had to witness foreigners crying over to the lost of their friend.

Half of my brother’s body was experiencing numbness on the right side and it seemed like needles were poking him. Doctors and nurses began to get worried after they conducted X-ray and CT scan. Initial finding was either brain bleeding or blood clot, as we were told different stories by the staffs.

I had to lie to my gullible mum that my brother went over purposely just because he had bought travel insurance and wanted to make full use of it. My acting skill excelled as I remained calm in front of my mum even when my brother was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). Perhaps, his condition was not so critical at the moment but it happened that the high dependency (HD) ward was full and he had to be admitted inside the more critical ward.

When my relatives started to find out about my brother’s condition, I had to answer them on the phone besides my mum, pausing for a few seconds to suppress the urge to burst out, before explaining in a relaxing tone. That was what grown-ups had to learn to do.

There was no feeling of festive season. I was glad enough that we could get time-off for him to go out for our reunion dinner. My brother was hospitalized until the second day of Chinese New Year. We did not manage to see the doctor in charge to ask about his condition. We were also disappointed with the management of the hospital.

My brother needs no medication at the moment and we are all clueless about what will happen next. His illness is likely to be “Post Thalamic Syndrome” as researched online. I cannot imagine myself feeling the numbness over half of my body symmetrically and boiling over my leg occasionally.

I’m beginning to feel numb as well. Staying alive is mainly to face hardship. My work alone has already taken away half of my smiles.

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Happy Valentine’s Day

You were probably out with someone else and had enjoyed your night. On this romantic night, your hand could have felt warm.

True lovers just want their loved ones to be happy.

Are you happy?

On this very same day of every year, I felt the same. Luck was never with me.

It is never peer pressure that has caused me to fall for anyone; I am never searching for anything except the feeling of happiness.

I do not take on a battle that I have no chance to win and I never want anyone to suffer with me before I make my mark. I do not belittle myself but I am realistic about my current situation. I do not make empty promises.

Most girls prefer guys who can promise them the stars even though they subconsciously know that it is impossible. They love flowery words and the feeling of being wooed.

I am a person who “under-promise and over-deliver”. There are always two sides for everything – good and bad. At least, people who appreciate me will trust and feel comfortable with me – they have fewer disappointments and more surprises.

Some people say that I am stubborn but everyone, regardless of any horoscope, has his own insistence on certain things. There are many things that some people, including me, cannot bring ourselves to do, and they are far different from being stubborn.

I am not someone who would get flowers. I would rather buy gold than diamond.

Not many girls would fancy a guy like me.

Valentine’s Day is a joke for me.

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It just Hurts

My left thumb was sprained on last Saturday night. It was caused by receiving a ball using fingers on the volleyball court when I softened my fingers to place it a metre away for the setter. I did not trim my fingernails and had this phobia, which restricted my movements. It had been more than a year since I last sprained any part of my body as I had not played volleyball for very long. I hate it for causing pain whenever I trigger it. Even squeezing the toothpaste has been made difficult. It reminds me of the doctor warning my mum that losing the power on the thumb will cause disability to nearly 40% of the daily tasks. I am actually quite used to the after-sprained feeling since my back has been hurting similarly for the past ten years. The hurt is definitely not as severe as heartache though. Somehow, I have not forgotten about the hurt caused by my last ex-girlfriend more than two years ago. Every single lie, regardless of the seriousness, from any female friend just pours back the memories. “Please don’t treat me too nice.” I’m quite sensitive to the request from any female friend because it reminds me of my first relationship. It somehow makes girls guilty and the feeling is bad, which also makes them begin to admit their lies, whether big or small. Sometimes I wish I have not been too sharp, which has also been scaring female friends away. I always remember what Baoyu has told me more than a year ago – most girls do not think logically. When I begin to be too frank with my observation, it often draws a line between us. I’m not a smart person and thus I always do my best to make up for the shortcoming. However, I’m often powerless. Most of the time, I can only sit back and pray hard for them when they are in bad times. Whenever a sweet friend whom I have been treating sincerely distances away suddenly, it hurts.

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Scammers Steal My Photos – but There’s Only One Me

I have being hypnotised to believe that I am cute or at least photogenic. Maybe I’m popular? After my photo was stolen in Tagged by a scammer Lawrence Tan with the MSN email lawrencex789@gmail.com a couple of months ago, recently I get to know of another scammer who is using my photo in Facebook. The name is Kingston Romeo and the URL is http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001983734458. This Kingston is a very open pervert who has been dropping pervertic comments on girls’ profiles as seen in his Facebook profile wall. He has also tried to hook up with my ex student. Lawrence is definitely a smarter scammer as he has bothered to remove my copyright watermark on the photo, unlike Kingston Romeo; although both are probably freak-looking. One disgusting shit about these incidents is that both of them have stolen my ugliest photo but it makes me feel good since even when I’m at my worst, I’m still better looking than them. On the other hand, I have been single for more than two years. If none of the girls, including my big pool of female net friends, is interested in me, what makes the two hilarious-looking scammers think that they can succeed in winning girls over just by using my photo? There is only one me in this world. There are certainly many people in this world who may look identical, but they can never communicate in my style. I hope more friends will appreciate me for putting water benchmark on all my photos.

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Stress and More Stress

I become more stress whenever my younger brother goes overseas for holidays. Yes, “more” stress because I am already very stress. There are various projects I need to accomplish and there are boring daily tasks that I have to finish without much delay. I am battling against time everyday. The worst thing is the weakening drive that is slowing down my pace. From the beginning until business has started to pick up, I am losing time increasingly to work on my initial areas of interest. When everyone is thinking that it is perfect, I can see tiny holes all over, including major security issues. It has been proven that my effort can make things so much better but it is often beyond normal eyes to judge. I am a person who can dedicate endless time to a task. When more things pile up, sacrifices offer insufficient help to perfection. Things are all left hanging around while I try to babysit them one by one and bit by bit, and I am beginning to lose confidence due to my incapability. Friends who are more aware of my situation may be admiring my determination for I have managed to persist for so long. I am already stressed to the extent that I can be agitated easily. I am losing patience for people who do not follow proper procedure and thus causing problems. My brother’s departure for holidays always put additional workload on me. Although checking of account does not take up too much time, but it is definitely distracting and often kills my momentum. When friends ask me to take a break and have a short trip overseas to relax, I know it is almost impossible, at least not at the moment. I do not want to risk getting more enquiries and for sure, my daily work will only pile up, leaving important tasks pending longer. I do not want to risk the brand’s name. Nobody is ready to take a break when many things have not settled down. My younger brother has endless trips from Thailand to Pulau Ubin and Sentosa, and currently Bali. Just when I am getting used to abandon tasks during this peak period, he drops a bomb to inform me that half of his body is getting numbness. I am left helpless as I know little about other countries, having staying in a rather safe country throughout my life. I am feeling very lost.

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It is just Me

I was totally taken aback to meet someone who could use excuses to create numerous opportunities for himself in a single day. I could see through everything clearly but I was not sure if others did find them obvious. Perhaps, it was simply none of their concerns. I am never a competitive person in many events. I dislike using schemes or doing anything that may seem hypocrite. It depends totally on individuals to judge and feel my sincerity. However, things often do not turn out well for me. I am trying to restrain myself for being a busybody but you can probably be pulled away by me before reaching the death door. Most of the time, I do things quietly or in a way that you will not realise there is a difference. Even when I am saying something to help you, I will put it in a way that you will feel being teased. I feel more appreciated if someone can appreciate me by discovering little things that I have done and great things that I will do. Alas, we have to face reality that most people are too busy to give a glance to a quiet worker. I have to admit that I am a total loser in both friendship and relationship.

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How Many Ten-Years Do We Have In Our Lives?

One of my favourite Chinese drama shows, which had just ended recently, was Rosy Business. I was quite surprised that Gilbert did catch it as well. The story was based on the olden days of China during the Qing dynasty and I expected not many people would be interested in it. It was mainly about the family of the major rice seller in Wuxi, China. To them, it was not only about profit but the essential of lives of the people, and thus they had to fight against thugs and their evil family members to keep the business going and the price of rice low. I first caught it when I happened to have my dinner at home instead of dining out on a weekend. My curiosity was spiked by the great plot. It was a pity that I had missed out some of the exciting parts where the main characters applied intelligence to overcome problems. The show was not anything like “Huang Fei Hong” or Tom Cruise in “mission impossible”. The hero was not a saint; he made big mistakes and grew mature over times. His loyalty, courage and intelligence were impressive. The usual quote by the hero was “how many ten-years do we have in our lives?” and it clearly reminded everyone not to waste our lives. I know I have been ill-treating myself for the past twenty-plus years. Though I have not produced much result, I have clearly spent most of my entire life racing. I’m been trained not to have lust on food or travelling. I’m losing myself as days go by and soon becoming a zombie. I’m not a smart worker and I’m definitely bad at priority management. I have clearly disappointed many people. I’m never in need of money not because my family is rich but I rarely spend on myself. I’m used to mess around with hunger since polytechnic days. My dad’s last payslip wrote around $1300 before he passed away and my mum spent quite a sum of my dad’s leftovers (CPF and insurance) on renovation of the rundown house, insurance plans that she could not afford, crappy health magnetic mattresses and she even lent a big portion of it to her boss who had been abusing her verbally. One year before I went to the army for national service, I had to start skipping meals after volleyball games. Nobody can understand how much I have been through and thus no one is in the position to judge me. I have to work extra hard because I’m neither a genius nor apple-polisher. There are also some risks that I’m not able to take. I need to do something for my next ten years of life if I can live on.

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Things that we don’t want to remember are most likely unable to be forgotten

Many incidents are dwelling within me and I cannot let go of them no matter what.

When I was a teenager, I already had many dreams in mind to accomplish – mainly are my websites. I had many never-ending projects, which were not benefiting me in term of financial. Those were the days I could afford to help my friends whenever they approach me.

Situation has worsened over the years. More friends are coming to me and most of the tasks are more time-consuming than ever. At the same time, I’m struggling harder with my own life to build a better tomorrow for my family and I. The quantity of the requests has, although, decreased since I have lost touch with many friends, but the “quality” has upgraded.

I started helping Tze Khit with his websites and design work for marketing until he insisted to pay me some money for the work. It was my form of support for a great friend who was beginning with his career. Ever since I started my tuition agency, I found it almost impossible to lend him a hand anymore. He offered to employ me on a full-time basis and I had to reject him, which was making me feel very uncomfortable all these while.

A couple of months ago, Joei approached me to help her to design four posters for her students’ competition. My tasks were already “at my throat” and I rejected her immediately, knowing that I could not “swallow” anymore project. That was an ultimate slash at my heart because she was one of the most beautiful women in heart I had met. My principle since young “nice people should be rewarded” has been haunting me till today. To others, it is very common to reject any call for help, but it is the last thing I want to do, especially to a special lady.

I’m used to sacrifice myself for friends and even friends who are not very close to me; I set aside my work for them. Things are not as simple anymore because besides making my life extremely difficult, my actions will disappoint many people who have been pinning high hopes on me.

Don’t tell me you have experienced it personally, or studied my horoscope or handwriting – nobody can understand how I’m feeling. My situation is far worse than what you can imagine. I’m being hit internally and externally, by myself and others. The pressure is enormous, not to mention about the long period of endurance, which still exists.

I want to make the world beautiful. I want all beautiful people to have beautiful lives so that they can create a beautiful world for others as well. This is a dream, which is impossible to reach – but I’m persistent not because I’m stubborn because I see the importance of it.

My memory is never good but somehow these are the things that can be trapped inside my brain for long. Yes, I have forgotten many unpleasant things almost entirely until somebody mentions about them, but they have definitely bothered me longer than other people.

Being unable to help my friends is one of the worst nightmares I can have, but since months ago, I have met the most incredible incident. When Gilbert told me Raymond had just recovered from cancer, I was totally traumatised. We were very good buddies, together with Peh, during our NS slavery days but Raymond started to stray away somehow due to his busy schedule. I could not afford to spend enough time to keep in touch with all my good friends.

I feel like a shit. My tears fill my eyes every now and then till now, just like how the scene of my dad passing away have been dwelling on me. I was never there for my good friend when he needed support the most. I don’t even know about his critical illness until he has recovered in miracle. What kind of a friend I am? I feel like punching myself sometimes.

My life sucks because I have been such a failure.

Whenever I mention about how I hate my current lifestyle within or at the bottom of any blog entry’s content, it does not mean that I dislike only what have happened as mentioned inside. It is not only about the problems I’m facing in my work, not just the failure to live like a normal person as expected by others, not mainly on the things I can’t do for my friends, not simply because I’m being treated worse than a dog by someone, but many other issues that are bothering me.

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Thy Lone

I’m beginning to cherish my weekends more than ever. Even though I do work almost every day, I feel more relaxed during weekends when I’m not being grounded.

I’m a working machine being created to produce work endlessly less the Saturday mornings I join Gilbert to the gym for a swim.

I get weary at times. Though I’m usually doing work in the field that I like, things are not as simple as most people think, and sometimes I even find issues trying to relate to Google about my problems. Things are not easy because it involves more than website building. If I have taken business management courses in the past, it would be a different story.

There is absolutely no one person I can pour out my frustration to because friends are either facing different challenges or seeing things differently from me. It is also useless to pen down a ten thousand words in my blog because I can never fully explain myself.

I seem like fighting the battle alone.

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