Things that we don’t want to remember are most likely unable to be forgotten

Many incidents are dwelling within me and I cannot let go of them no matter what.

When I was a teenager, I already had many dreams in mind to accomplish – mainly are my websites. I had many never-ending projects, which were not benefiting me in term of financial. Those were the days I could afford to help my friends whenever they approach me.

Situation has worsened over the years. More friends are coming to me and most of the tasks are more time-consuming than ever. At the same time, I’m struggling harder with my own life to build a better tomorrow for my family and I. The quantity of the requests has, although, decreased since I have lost touch with many friends, but the “quality” has upgraded.

I started helping Tze Khit with his websites and design work for marketing until he insisted to pay me some money for the work. It was my form of support for a great friend who was beginning with his career. Ever since I started my tuition agency, I found it almost impossible to lend him a hand anymore. He offered to employ me on a full-time basis and I had to reject him, which was making me feel very uncomfortable all these while.

A couple of months ago, Joei approached me to help her to design four posters for her students’ competition. My tasks were already “at my throat” and I rejected her immediately, knowing that I could not “swallow” anymore project. That was an ultimate slash at my heart because she was one of the most beautiful women in heart I had met. My principle since young “nice people should be rewarded” has been haunting me till today. To others, it is very common to reject any call for help, but it is the last thing I want to do, especially to a special lady.

I’m used to sacrifice myself for friends and even friends who are not very close to me; I set aside my work for them. Things are not as simple anymore because besides making my life extremely difficult, my actions will disappoint many people who have been pinning high hopes on me.

Don’t tell me you have experienced it personally, or studied my horoscope or handwriting – nobody can understand how I’m feeling. My situation is far worse than what you can imagine. I’m being hit internally and externally, by myself and others. The pressure is enormous, not to mention about the long period of endurance, which still exists.

I want to make the world beautiful. I want all beautiful people to have beautiful lives so that they can create a beautiful world for others as well. This is a dream, which is impossible to reach – but I’m persistent not because I’m stubborn because I see the importance of it.

My memory is never good but somehow these are the things that can be trapped inside my brain for long. Yes, I have forgotten many unpleasant things almost entirely until somebody mentions about them, but they have definitely bothered me longer than other people.

Being unable to help my friends is one of the worst nightmares I can have, but since months ago, I have met the most incredible incident. When Gilbert told me Raymond had just recovered from cancer, I was totally traumatised. We were very good buddies, together with Peh, during our NS slavery days but Raymond started to stray away somehow due to his busy schedule. I could not afford to spend enough time to keep in touch with all my good friends.

I feel like a shit. My tears fill my eyes every now and then till now, just like how the scene of my dad passing away have been dwelling on me. I was never there for my good friend when he needed support the most. I don’t even know about his critical illness until he has recovered in miracle. What kind of a friend I am? I feel like punching myself sometimes.

My life sucks because I have been such a failure.

Whenever I mention about how I hate my current lifestyle within or at the bottom of any blog entry’s content, it does not mean that I dislike only what have happened as mentioned inside. It is not only about the problems I’m facing in my work, not just the failure to live like a normal person as expected by others, not mainly on the things I can’t do for my friends, not simply because I’m being treated worse than a dog by someone, but many other issues that are bothering me.

Thy Lone

I’m beginning to cherish my weekends more than ever. Even though I do work almost every day, I feel more relaxed during weekends when I’m not being grounded.

I’m a working machine being created to produce work endlessly less the Saturday mornings I join Gilbert to the gym for a swim.

I get weary at times. Though I’m usually doing work in the field that I like, things are not as simple as most people think, and sometimes I even find issues trying to relate to Google about my problems. Things are not easy because it involves more than website building. If I have taken business management courses in the past, it would be a different story.

There is absolutely no one person I can pour out my frustration to because friends are either facing different challenges or seeing things differently from me. It is also useless to pen down a ten thousand words in my blog because I can never fully explain myself.

I seem like fighting the battle alone.

The Sweet Things Yesterday May Not Be Sweet Today

Long ago, I heard encouragements to the persistence of doing my own business. Flexibility of time and working location were great buy. I could do my work at any time of the day at anywhere with my laptop, which meant that I could merry around during normal people’s working hours. Apart from the extra hard effort required and income instability, everything was supposed to be sweet.

I, however, am never a cut to become someone who can really enjoy myself. There are many things I wish to do but have given up. There are also many things I hesitate or hate to do but I’m doing them for the sake of accommodating my loved ones and friends. I’m definitely living a bitter life for now.

I have free tickets and accommodation for overseas trips, but I cannot and do not have the mood to leave Singapore for more than a day.

I also have job temptations from numerous kind friends. I know I should not give up halfway.

I have done my best to struggle alone on various required job roles. I see myself as a researcher, content writer, designer, programmer, tester, blogger, website administration, administrator, marketer, IT support and probably others. The numerous tasks waiting for me to accomplish everyday have killed my creativity since long ago. It is a hectic life for me.

I never have understanding from people surrounding me and not even those whom I get to see numerous times per week. Most friends do not know what I’m working as and those who know do not know what I have been doing. Overall, most people have impression that I’m an idler, although they are very kind to persuade me to get a job.

While most people know about my flexibility of time, they are neglecting the fact that there are huge amount of work for me to finish. So often that I’m neglecting my family for work, especially when we are so bonded together, and I’m always feeling the guilt of turning them down.

I have to deal with changing climates monthly. Even the loudest voice to support my business venture has turned against the flexibilities while I’m being sandwiched by people. I should be feeling great that many kind people are trying to help me but I cannot stop feeling being torn into pieces. I’m still far from meeting their expectations.

Year 2010 – The Year of Isolation

I stayed at Clementi ITE for three months to help my boss. Eventually, I left the place after spending more than a week to work on a farewell website. Soon, I received my degree certificate from University of Wollongong. I also went back to ITE to help Hirman for the orientation camp of the second time of the year.

I had my second last volleyball game of the year before quitting my job. Somehow, I was greatly disappointed over certain things. Thereafter, I rarely got to see my buddies.

I concentrated on my quit smoking website. After officially releasing the website, I was very glad with myself that I had made some contribution to the world and I thought I could die without any regrets after that.

Tze Khit moved his gym over to Tanjong Pagar. I was very happy to see a good friend whose career took off well. I spent a lot of time hanging out with him and updating his website for him. Those sessions were very stressful because he and his partner were giving me instructions by my side and there was no table to work on. Furthermore, I felt very uncomfortable charging a friend for my services. I got to meet many interesting friends at his gym. I went back to Clementi ITE for volleyball with Tze Khit for once, which was the final time I got to touch volleyball for the year.

As I was jobless, my bank account started draining especially when I continued to give my mum money every month without fail. My Sony Ericsson phone G705 died on me and I started using an old Nokia 3120. I began losing touch with my friends as the old phone could not read the entire SIM card’s memory. Since it was totally not user-friendly, I gave up sending greeting SMS to my friends during festivals. I was not broke but it made no sense to hurt my piggybank more when I was still jobless and thus I waited on for my phone plan to be over.

There was no progress in my relationship. I met two very nice girls but they were too busy to go out with me. They eventually got attached.

Towards the end of the year, I began working on a tuition agency website called Smart Tuition. It was after several bashing from friends that I should not be working on non-profitable websites when I was jobless. Mike saw some light in my working direction and began coaching me. We almost missed our first outing as I could not find his contact inside my temporary phone while he was holding onto my old number.

My head is bursting

My head is bursting and there are still many important tasks left undone. Even if you can construct a designer, programmer, writer, researcher, administrator and internet-marketer into a single body, you can’t expect him to do everything at one go. And if you can ever do it, don’t make him a perfectionist.

It is my character that is ruining me

I was glad that my brothers had kept my mum entertained with her cell phone earlier on so that I could concentrate on my work.

I was some kept breathless worse than ever with the amount of work piling up.

I remained in my usual contradiating self after all these years, having problems with my priority. I failed to reject friends over and over again.

I could never forget when I was struck with the old Nokia phone that could not read half of my contacts for more than three months, Mike told me he actually planned to buy me an iPhone 4. Even though I did not want him to spend on non-essential items on me, his words had strike me badly.

I could not even fare for myself to help others. The number of times I refused to take a break at the verge of breaking down laughed at me. There were plans for creative as well as critical jobs but I was ransacked totally off my time.

Yes, it was true that I had spent so much time helping others instead of trying to get out of my own poverty, I did not deserve any gift from people who cared so much for my success in life.

I knew my situation well but it was my born character to help others, especially the kind ones. Everytime I stabbed myself to lend my hands to friends, I felt guilty to myself and people who cared for me.

Nobody could understand my woes and few could realize the supposed-to-be little amount of time they could squeeze out from me for their convenience’s sake had stalled the progress of my cumulative result.

I often have to draw myself away from people to avoid more entanglements. Sometimes I mock to myself having to reject freelance jobs that can raise my personal portfolio.

Life has been a great torment all these years.

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A Stressful Week

I don’t like to fall sick and I can’t afford to. I’m on my path to strive for my future and this is the route I have chosen, which differs from most people’s.

I don’t have medical leaves that others have. When I’m down, progress slow down and it will take longer for me to get away from poverty.

I know if I were to continue at the current pace, I will eventually do better than average people. I never want to give up not because I’m greedy but for my pride.

I may not be born in a silver spoon but I’m considered quite lucky to earn my experience. I have met worthy friends who have been showing me sincere concern – people who have been nagging at me to find a “proper” job. Though they don’t know my real concerns about my future and they never know I can begin something like now, I’m glad they have filled my life with true friendship.

I’m lucky because I manage to find a mentor who has been guiding me without demanding for any reward, except for a greater breakthrough in my progress. Though sometimes he may not understand the problems I’m facing is more than what he has analysed due to my lack of knowledge, I’m glad that the little skill I manage to absord out of his immortal web knowledge has managed to help me to struggle on.

I’m fighting hard to get things done as a perfectionist when I know clearly I’m still far from my own expectation. I’m not trained as a designer for corporate site nor have I worked as a programmer. I’m not even good in my language to create great contents. There are also administrative stuffs to handle such that I cannot focus on any of the tasks.

This week has been really bad. Having to debug the system means a reverse of progress. It has taken away not only my time but also my brain cells.

Now, I’m at the worst of my health after the stressful days.

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