Phobia to leave

Posted on February 27, 2005 by S

There was a sudden touch on my heart upon their arrival. They came in one by one and each time brightened my smile. Some were sweaty and smelly, but certainly had become fitter looking. They poured out their grief, making me feel so fortunate to stay in Signal Institute. There seemed too many questions to ask but suddenly my brain went blank, maybe due to shocks after listening to their stories.

As the day went by, I was greatly disheartened. The lengthy delayed briefing caused too much of a phobia, featuring days of recruits’ lives. I hated it, I feared it, and I was extremely depressed. Perhaps, I was too well-pampered for the past few months.

Carrying field bag to book in and out was a dumb thing and worse still, I could only get home from Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening. What could a jail bird do? When would the friendly people reappear?

My posting was bad enough to bother me and I didn’t know how much troubles could be accumulated to tear me down again. Jianxing had given me very good advices and others suggested that I should stay on. Mingfa promised to pull me over to 3div, and this time as a driver after my course. I was full of doubts after the previous cock-up posting.

Change for the better

Posted on February 24, 2005 by S

I’m not an expert but a trainee, trying to learn to say “no”.

Human beings are lazy and often refuse to put in efforts. I can’t spoon-feed them all the way, because every man needs his own free time, so do I.

I really don’t know and I can’t waste anymore time digging up information to satisfy everyone. I can’t be a fool like in the past, because every success needs efforts and I need to pay efforts for my own goals.

I can’t help it for the world is always cruel, to you, to me and to everyone. And there’s one day you realise I’ve changed, hopefully I’m towards a better route.

If you realise I’m filled with selfishness right now, I shall admit it, for I’ve been the most selfish man towards myself all these years.

Empty statements

Posted on February 23, 2005 by S

Nobody really knows the toughness of being in the AVA team. We get to enjoy working from 8 to 5 daily and we get to relax in the office to play games. They say we are slacking.

I nod my head, too carefree to argue. It has been a custom for people to judge on appearance and sayings, somehow not within my limit to enlighten them. Perhaps, sometimes I do give such remarks without processing through my mind.

They haven’t seen me moving the computers from the sixth storey using stairs, not even running errands from places to places. They’ve yet to witness me staying alone in a room throughout the day, just to safeguard some processors. They don’t consider the fact that I’ve to reach by 7.45am and leave after 5.30pm except for Fridays. My records were to book in at 6.45am and also book out at 9.30pm, just in the second week.

And now I’m alone in the office, waiting for lessons to start and end, with empty stomach. Soon that night would fall and it would be total darkness. I agree to stay because I’m all alone; nobody’s waiting for my call and nobody’s wishing for my companion. I’m willing to take up the job, its okay.

Reason to leave

Posted on February 21, 2005 by S

The bad news is a relief after all; the tournament will be starting soon and I won’t have time to relax if I go over because I’ve to get back to work soon after it’s over.

3Div is always a place where I want to be in, because that’s where my team-mates are. I want to enjoy the “attach out” privilege, as well as to play volleyball – the sport which I always want to excel in. I want to stay home everyday to do self studying, so as to open path for my future career.

I’ve been waiting since Basic Military Training but I was posted to Signal Institute right after that. I thought my path was planned with the help of Mingfa, until I passed out from my course, I witnessed the unpredictable.

Back to Signal Institute, I’m given simple job. The people around are nice and friendly, and somehow they make me reluctant to leave. I’m able to make good use of the free time to read up and do my writing. I’ve met contractors who kindly chat with me and show me great concern when I didn’t take my lunch. I could have leant a lot from them if I didn’t hesitate to ask.

What I hate most is the guard mounting each week, that I’ve to stay back, and also te parade each month I’ve to take taxi with double charge. What I fear is the office duty which seems so difficult and troublesome to take up. I guess I can handle them, at least hen I compare myself to the others, I’m much more fortunate.

Is this the simple army life which I always pin for other than to get attached out?

I shan’t be indecisive again. I want to leave this enjoyable place and all the kind souls. No matter how much tougher my new vocation would be, I work accordingly to my plan. I must prove those who doubt my words and treat me as a joker. I must leave.

Fortunate

Posted on February 21, 2005 by S

The sudden smile on my face seemed weird as I took each step. I recalled the fondable day, failing to not feel lucky.

My team was on the track to win trophies but declined to the glory at the crucial match. I took pains during the registration but it was fun after all being the signature holder of three and guardian of seven. What I gained for the day was far more than a voucher of tens over dollars.

I was astonished. Taking photos in between the two sweet girls was too good to be true. We posed sharing a cup of drinks with three straws and then with my hands on their shoulders. A moment ago, I thought it was impossible, and I always thought so; they were both afraid of me somehow. Nobody was as fortunate as me on that day.

Hadn’t it for the sudden rain, I wouldn’t have spoken to her in the rush. It had been a year since I last talked to her and helped her carry her pink bag.

I knew the rain would eventually stop and I wouldn’t be drenched forever. The sun would come out and the place would be brightened. What came next was unknown, a mystery for me to look forward to in excitement.

Release

Posted on February 17, 2005 by S

Often, we can’t differentiate between admiration and love. But the need to possess stretches from day to night, and sometimes in dreams. The setbacks and fears aid the indecisive; it pays a lot to be a low confident man.

She’s one in a million, not the best but enough to seize souls. She’s superior to most girls in looks and figure; nonetheless she has the purest heart. Her smile and voice bring out the greatest enjoyment of life, so enchanting that it worth one month of lifespan to witness them each time.

Life’s never fair. The amount of efforts you put in might not get you anywhere and your thoughts might be effortless. She’s too far away. It takes so much courage to date her but it seems so easy for her to reject, which she doesn’t even need to consider. She shows no interest in going out but somehow able to entertain other friends.

Give it up, because every rejection adds to your shame, and every embarrassment causes a friend. Give up, because she needs someone better.

Slackers Institute

Posted on February 16, 2005 by S

The management was inefficient. I was supposed to be posted into Infosys but the course was cancelled and I was transferred to Infocomm 1 at the end of the day.

I tried to be lively, day by day I trained myself to be a happy man, but bad things don’t exile. I was trapped in a corner, separated from people whom I thought were nice. Inconsiderate people started to abuse others and I began to feel down. And when everyone discussed about what food and entertainment equipments to bring for future, I foresee life would never be as simple. I diverted myself into my own writing instead of bullshitting and each time they insisted I was studying without any textbook. The fact was that nobody had brought any food to share as I had predicted, but I gladly shared mine with them.

Life became more misery in the second week. The computer lab lessons were boring, especially with the low resource computers and server. The commander gave me extra duty for dozing off in his lesson and I was mainly closing my eyes for a few seconds. I realised the commander was only putting false threats to push us, for he knew how precious weekends were.

Tests weren’t meant to fail anyone. However, been in the exercises were dreadful periods as the commander gave punishments for every little issue. I was touched when the sergeant tried so hard to cover us and was lectured by the commander. I met more instructors who showed flexibility and kindness, and together with some friendly and caring platoon mates, my soul was lifted.

Due to the intensity of the lessons, I cancelled two of my medical appointments for the lump on my left calf and gastric problem. The injuries on my legs worsened and sometimes I couldn’t even walk normally. Marching was difficult as well, and I tended to shift sideways every now and then. The only medical appointment left, given by the Tekong medical officer was only for my little numbness on left foot, and the nerve system specialist couldn’t do anything to cure my pains. That day was my first visit to the medical officer in Stagmont and I saw his lack of interest in attending to his patients.

My love for the course increased. Too many nice people around made me feel unbearable for the upcoming departure. Even for the three guard duties, the sergeants took good care of me. I was gratified to the sergeants who were so concerned about me when I was doing the last guard duty with my medical certificate.

The week when I was very sick, I struggled through my tests and everyone did their part to help me even to clear my utensils. There were many jokes around and people who did things foolishly to create laughers. Things like locking the key inside the locker amazed me and I made fun of him for consuming a packet of combat ration which might be attacked by rat before. Even the commando rats performed wall climbing to amaze me.

Everyday is a memorable day.

Who I want to meet

Posted on February 13, 2005 by S

I want to meet myself when I’m full of confidence. I’d gladly reject any unreasonable approach or demand without hesitating. I’d enjoy each day doing only things that I like and things that I think are appropriate. I’d live without hypocrites, kicking fakers and lamers away from my sight. I’d earn enough money to build a house by the beach and I’d yell out towards the sea each night like nobody’s business. I’d be a happier man.

Spell my troubles

Posted on February 11, 2005 by S

I’ve been throwing money in taxis, for timings which I should be able to make, but due to indecisiveness, I didn’t. All these money could be donated instead. I feel sinned and I really hate myself.

I haven’t been spending my time properly. I made wrong decisions. I don’t care how others think of me as a boring person, I just refuse to smoke, drink and gamble. My dad used to love these and I’m not going to follow his footsteps, not even to play during festivals for the sake of fun – I’d never start in things which can be addictive. And as for drinking, I’ve been refusing to drink during all gatherings including birthday parties. I’d never be foolish for girls again.

I hadn’t been so troubled for long until this day when my posting was out. I don’t deserve to be ranked seventh in the course and I don’t have the ability to teach others of things which I have so much doubts in. I don’t want to stay on. Everything’s good about Signal Institute especially the people. But I’ve been struggling so far all for my dream, the main source of my motivation to survive, which is to play volleyball for SAFSA. The game is my passion and the main objection is to escape from camp for months like my buddies. Then I’d have time to do self studying, or even to gain some web design experience.

I got upset

Posted on February 10, 2005 by S

Whenever I get upset, my immunization system seems to be weaken till I can’t resist any virus attack. This is why I tend to get sick often.

I had my worst diarrhoea last week, frequenting the toilet up to thirteen times in a day and thirty-eight times in four days. Giddiness and headache joined in the fun. I felt too sick to eat and finally strengthless to walk. I battled through my final tests and slept all the way in camp. I took than less half a bowl of food each meal. I skinned down more. My high fever subsided on the second night, and I survived with a filet-o-fish meal in my lost of appetite.

I struggled till book-out and my mum accompanied me to the hospital. The fear of needle refused me to be hospitalised for observation. The doctor was too nice and concerning than the Stagmont camp’s medical officer who simply didn’t show any interest in treating his patients. Then I had a shock when I was at the prescription counter, viewing through the other window where a fine charismatic girl stood beautifully. I’d never fantasize because dreams would never come true.

The torment was to chew on porridge with “cai xin” when my brothers were enjoying their roti prata. I hadn’t had enough rest before I book-in earlier for guard duty. I was medical certified but I didn’t want to ruin my friends’ days. There were too many nice people and I finally recovered, but still feeling weak with my sore throat.

I mustn’t feel sad anymore.

Dear Dreams

Skai Chan

Monthly Archives: February 2005