Helps that I can offer

It has been years since people have been imaging me as the freest guy on earth with 48 hours usage per day who can help them do all shit.

Sometimes it pisses me off when I’m trying hard to get my work done and someone messages me to ask questions or do something for him. Even when my MSN is in busy mode, I’m not spared.

Most people think that I’m equipped with all computer skill. I should be glad and proud with that but the fact is my knowledge is very shallow and limited. The often help I give to dig answers from internet leaves this wrong impression.

As a result, I’m blessed with this phobia that everytime I receive message from the same people, I’d think of bad omen instantly. It’s not nice this way, but I can’t help it when things repeatedly happen.

Apart from being selfish and inconsiderate, the wrong mind concept is also due to inappreciation of my work. I’ve been typing and editing things for myself; being unable to express myself, I always try in many ways, through articles or poems. Though I’m a weird person, nobody has really tried to understand me.

Without knowing what I’ve been doing, everyone thinks I’m doing nothing everyday. At times, I also sacrifice my time and set aside my stuffs to go out with some people or for volleyball games; this has aided the misunderstanding that I’m being a very free person.

Why is it me that you must seek for when you encounter problems and not when you’re having fun? I’ve been thinking so deeply even over little things, been too forthright and scared some people away.

It’s such a shame to do self-pity, and I’m not going to do that. One solution to solve the problem is to stay out of things by saying no, which so many friends have been hypnotizing me to do so.

As some friends get dejected, having negative thoughts, I can only hope for some who would consider more about my feeling. These two lines – “he’s not helpful” and “he’s not helpful anymore” – serve as different meaning. Hopefully, at least the second one would be used as they can recap what I’ve done for them in the past.

I’m not the only person on earth encountering this problem and I might not be the worst case, but I’m currently undergoing too much stress that I really need to get out of it and straighten out my mind before I can proceed on. At least I need to help myself before I can move on and continue with my life.

As I hate and will feel sad when things go wrong, I’m still helping out whenever I can, I know and when time permits. You never know how much pride and satisfaction I’ll get when tasks are done.

However, I won’t know which equipments can be bought from where or how much they cost. I can’t keep spending hours and SMSes to contact people for outing when I’m still stuck with my work, or lack of sleep, or when the same group of people have disappointed me over and over again.

I can’t transfer files over the internet when I’ve limited bandwidth due to sharing of network with my brothers. I can’t send files when the law prohibits me to and when risk is high. I can’t open any program to look for any instruction or label when my taskbar is already crowded with my unfinished work, which will cause more lagging and even system hangs.

How I wish I can be the superman or wizard or the brainiest guy on earth to solve any problem. How would I not wish for everyone to worship or praise me because of my contribution? This happiness seems too far from now, till I regain my freedom, I finish my work, I get over rejections, I cure my injuries and I find myself.

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