To accept, to adapt

It has been a few months since I go out nearly everyday during weekends. It is very tiring for me since I still cannot really adapt to this lifestyle. I used to spend every weekend at home unless there is volleyball at beach or somewhere else like at Unity Secondary or Bukit Merah Community Centre.

It is good to socialize but I can find the tension on my pocket and the amount of time burnt; moreover, I’m so into my websites and writing that I have to gasp for every little breathe I can spend at home. I’m so easily distracted by television programmes and the army has greatly reduced the speed of my thinking process that I’m not able to catch up with everything.

I have so many outdated journal entries I wish to complete, but I have to set them aside while I update the newer ones first. Till this moment, I have an entry about the Johor trip last year unwritten.

Stress could be one of the reasons that are slowing me down. I’m just like a little kid, wanting all that I want, being so stubborn like a bull. I want to create beautiful sites, write stories, learn server-side programming, update every interesting or memorable things that happen to me in details, I want to learn to draw artistically, I want to go swimming once every week, I want to edit photos; I want so many things that I cannot fulfil at a short period that they seem to cause depression on me.

So now, I doze off at least thrice per week just as I’m taking a break or to rest my injured back. I wake up to hate myself for not finishing my targeted tasks.

I do not know what is wrong with me nowadays as I’m behaving like a weakling; I used to stay up late each night until near daylight and I would never feel tired. Is age catching up on me or enthusiasm has been slain by the ugly facts of world?

I keep wishing that I have 48 hours per day but my dream makes me a naïve man. I wish that I need not bath, shit and sleep so that I have extra time; or rather, I wish that I will never feel tired.

I reflect on myself daily that I must face the reality of life and accept all the damn good or bad things that I can never be able to change; I do not want to be an ignorant kid anymore.

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