Heart-ache on the disappointment

[Wednesday, 31 May, 2006]

I almost broke down totally when I received the bad news from her; having a total blank in my brain, I was speechless.

At first she listed down a number of days she was free on and then suddenly she had a rehearsal on this day. As the rehearsal was cancelled, I had been living to wait for this day so eagerly; it was the elixir to my suffering these days.

I was all excited for we would be enjoying the whole day together until she suddenly told me she had some medical appointments. It was just like dreams being tarnished and I almost died heart-aching.

I must be too crazy that I could not control my emotion. Often I wondered if I had devoted too much and the phobia haunted me over and over again.

I was not a good boyfriend.

I spent too much time on my first ex that I went to see her home everyday after her school and that she gave up the relationship just because she “did not want a boyfriend”; as for my last ex, I tried not to show so much craziness and she most probably thought I did not care about her and thus got her friend to hint me for a break-up.

I could never strike a balance.

This time, I am falling in too much that I stress myself often and expect too much from the relationship even though we are facing so many obstacles.

Last day of rehearsal

[Wednesday, 31 May, 2006]

We were joking that we would leave the camp at 9.30pm after the rehearsal since the first two days were 7.30pm and 8.30pm respectively. It was actually 10pm this time.

Total madness?

I did not have a bunk in camp and I was not staying near.

However, this day was a much peaceful day with some rest in the intervals, though not quiet and “safe” enough to doze off. I rested by the corner like the first two days, taking chance to make sure my back was not so strained.

There were some excitements within and the motivation of being the last day of rehearsal helped to ease my tired mind. I had been enjoying the craps inside the control rooms with the jokers.

However, the bad thing was that everything was too draggy and lots of time was wasted. The ushers including of some aunties and uncles, definitely no young babe, were hanging inside the theatrette after the briefing and stalled the time that we could begin the supposedly last round of rehearsal.

Things did not go well but Captain Ricky Ang was cool about it and not pushing any fault to anyone. I believed the team was working well within one another for the control room was filled with nice people.

I finally got to memorise how to preset the lighting control to reduce so much of my work load.

Actually, we were kind of being released at around 7pm but we had to take care of the theatrette; we could not hand the keys over to them to avoid violation of rules.

Edgar and Jonshit stayed over to wait for us and we went down to the office to join them. I had a whole night of phone chat with Vivi, being so concentrated and that I lost numerous times in the Counter-Strike game. Though we kept quiet sometimes, it was good enough that we knew each other was around.

I did not go up to the theatrette so as to chat with her, partly being lazy. Lucky for Yuqing was driving, he dropped me and Edgar at the CCK MRT station and I reached home at 11pm.

Unknown number

Damn the user number of +65 97617265. This person must be a series rapist with great mental problem that he keeps sending SMS of rubbish randomly around.

If this person is a guy, he must be a pussy gay; if this person is a woman, she is a slut who can bed any guy.

This is the second time I receive advertising SMS from this brainless creature. If you think any rich and bored would SMS to support whatever candidate you are supporting or what, then you farking hell go fly kite! If you are so rich to mass SMS so many random people, you might as well use all the SMSes to support whatever lousy shit.

Please do not try your luck again; I do not wish you to wake up every hourly to pee.

Looked around

[Tuesday, 30 May, 2006]

Late at night, the train was still so crowded with people. There were also more pretty girls than usual; however, I had begun to lose the urge to look at pretty girls ever since soaking in Vivi’s love. Of course, life would be too boring if there are too many restrictions and both of us know it well.

I saw couples walking in, hands on the shoulders or waists, trying to squeeze some jealousy out of me. Yes I was impressed, because I certainly could not get to see her as often as they meet each other.

It was difficult to live with my phone with flat batteries. I was worried that she would call me and start to panic. Perhaps, I supposed she did not call; I was not sure if it was a good or bad sign.

The torment is just the beginning. I would never give up no matter what, unless one day she ever backs out.

Second day of hell

[Tuesday, 30 May, 2006]

It was the second day and things did not turn better except that I had tried to keep myself calmer and accepted the fact that I was going to suffer for more days. There were more ridiculous things happening and I could not help but to hate and suspect.

Why do you guys want to make things difficulties for people who only act as middlemen? You are the ones being stupidly paid highly by the disgusting organisation and we are being forced to submit ourselves and being so lowly paid, yet you expect us to take up responsibilities. If you want to run an event, why do you want to make others pay for little things just like batteries when the price is so insignificant to you and that you can even claim money from the organisation?

Life is lots of bullshit and promises are not kept. Fuckers want to get things done easily but never spare thoughts for others. There are people of high ranks, able to accomplish things just by forcing others to work them out.

No doubt, there were also nice people around. Captain Ang was really cute and easy-going, reminding me of 1SG Henry especially with the ways he talked. Those sergeants were basically quite nice and enthusiastic as well.

I missed the SI cohesive event again as usual but luckily, Rongji packed food over for us. I was quite touched for he brought so many big packets over; if I were him I would not dare to take so much food. However, we did not really have the chance to eat until everything was kind of being frozen.

I seriously hate doing extra work there in a place where nobody would really appreciate. The two days OFF for handling the event are not worthwhile when I have to work the whole day with stupid demands until late evening by doing Overtime; I rather sleep or play LANs game everyday in camp and go home at normal time.

When we got to know Quek was coming back to camp to do some work, we were so happy that we could get OFF for next week but he said Monday would be a busy day and so we had to drop the idea. It was so difficult to use the OFF and that mine had piled up so much that some day someone might take strike them away due to jealousy.

Commander’s speech was so lengthy that I could guarantee that the audience on the actual day would most probably doze off by the deep contents. The presentation slides did by Captain Christopher was impressive though and he had to coordinate with the speech, which he did well.

It was a more tiring day than the day before, which stretched till near 8pm. I wanted to rush home as fast as possible but Yuqing was in a daze to reflect on the way he failed to handle those jerks.

Other than having to standby at the cold room for the whole day, we had to deal with lots of questions which I was not sure of how to answer. The handling of lights and sound mixer were alright except when more things crowded in to block the place. Without a proper resting place, my aching back worsened.

I was totally exhausted and depleted again.

The love that is worth waiting for

She is so lovely that she tries her best to fit into my life and always ensures that I am living well. She is so sweet that no matter how weary and disappointed I am, she turns me energetic.

I never believe everyone should wait for their destined partner because this is just a comforting lie told by friends. Monks and nuns are not attached and that some people die virgin.

It is just my pure luck that the shiny star has landed in front of me and I manage to grab her tight. Fate is not cruel after all for I do not have to wait any longer.

It is partly thanks to rejections that I am able to realise what I really want and that I have this chance to set the goal of my life.

It is just that at this point of time, more perseverance is needed. Time and eligibility fall in for a huge battle.

I love her and she loves me are all we need to cheer on – the reasons to commit to.

Signal Workplan 2006

[Monday, 29 May, 2006]

Life is still endless tiredness. It is never about doing things that I enjoy or at least is very well-versed in.

Signal Workplan seminar 2006 – I did not know why it involved me. No matter who had appointed me, it was an inevitable issue already.

They were kind of expecting both Yuqing and I to know everything about the multiple video switching from the control room to the main theatrette and the three mini theatrette – we did not touch them before.

They were all for the IKC2 event last year. During the event, other than Chen De, none of us had touched them as well and as for me I did not even see the operation. They just loved to play with so many switches that you had to configure everything to the correct setting before everything worked.

We stayed there to run errands for them. It was not our problems actually and they booked only the place from my unit. I did not mind helping since I was already there, if it was within my limit and not causing too much weariness on me. It was good that familiar faces like Kenny and Benny were around, but not enough still.

It did not end early as promised. They had a meeting over it in the evening, could have moved away from the theatrette so that Yuqing and I could lock it up and leave but they were either stay-in personnel or rich regulars who could drive home fast.

The freezing place, with the air-con could only be switched on or off, without temperature control, jeered at me together with my hunger. It reminded me too much of the constructing of all the equipments for IKC2 week last year, staying behind so late for days to engage gastric pains.

It was too scary a memory I stayed so often when everyone claimed they could not spare the time. It was clear that who were selfish but until now it was useless to fault anyone anymore. The worst thing was that my effort was not even paid.

When I got home at around 8.30pm, dinner was not even ready. It was a terrible day.

In the following three days, things would be as bad. I am dreading of everything. I am dead beat.

To the Zoo

[Sunday, 14 May, 2006]

It had been ages since I last stepped into the zoo.

I always thought it would be really nice for a group outing there but everyone was so busy that I could not get anyone along.

It was weird that her twin sister Pretty Yun was working at the Jurong Birds’ Park while she worked at Singapore Zoological Garden.

You would never believe I did spend nothing throughout the trip except for the transportation fee. Bravo Fatty Si! Anyway, I put on the trainee’s tag to get the free entry, whereas breakfast was exchanged with the coupon she was holding.

It could be more fun with more friends tagging along and I would not mind paying a bit of money for that happiness. Her main motive was the day was however, to explore the place fully so that she could guide tourists around in future; she was so self-motivated and her initiative was the key factor to future success.

We followed the schedule on the guide map to catch most of the performances. We took off each time that I was shagged early but she remained energetic. Another virtue about her, similar to her sister, was that she cared too much for others that she kept questioning if I was bored and gladly apologised.

We finished the touring from around 8.30am to 2pm, successfully been to almost every part of the zoo.

Never have a chance

As I reach the limitation of my ability; I realise it is still not yet the peak.

How lousy can a person be, it means too much of a disheartening.

I am not yet a hero, never a saint and forever a loser.

I never have a chance to prove myself and it takes too much luck to be the best.

Rain can fall but snow you cannot force it down in my hometown. Things are prefixed and you cannot go against Mother Nature or destiny.

Because of challenges

Even though you know you are the winner, it is never too good to face lots of challengers still. It is a mixed feeling and I can never explain it.

Jealousy is the lack of trust, but I am seriously not certain of my own feeling. It could be some fears and worries; it could be phobia. I guess it has got to do with self-distrust.

Nevertheless, it is an inevitable fact of life that everyone goes for the best. Even in the past, I would not have cared so much; now that I know I have to fight for what I really want, I finally understand the urge for everyone to strive for their needs.

Love requires too much trust and it takes too much to commit to. For at least I know I am giving in my best, I hope it will never cause me another phobia.