Not a Good Time for Birthday

It was a different birthday from the past twenty plus years. There was nothing special except that it happened to be a down period.

I am never good at expressing myself verbally nor physically; but it does not mean I do not care. Friends who know well enough should understand that I am much more emotional than most people. Little things can easily affect me a lot and forbid me from dozing off. I have been trying to kick my bad habit but many friends have somehow aided the devil within me. I am failing badly.

I have been doing self-reflecting more than usual – and in fact it is my daily habit. If you were to use my horoscope to describe me as stubborn, this is perhaps the best example because I am not good at apple-polishing and not want to pick it up. But come to think of it – who is never stubborn in certain aspects or things that he or she strongly believes? If you have been insisting in things being done in your way or expecting your analysis to be perfect, does it show that you are more stubborn than any Scorpion?

If you have a certain opinion on someone, have you ever look back at yourself to check if you are actually far ahead in the same attribute? If someone has not done something that you think is necessary, which by not doing so will not cause any harm to anyone, will you pass a certain judgement on him without considering what have been stopping him?

I am extremely lack of skill to even take care of myself to anticipate what others may need. For me, I always try to keep things simple. I will not try to get or do things that are non-essential. I also do not wish to be tied down by anything. If you are judging me based on the lack of these, you probably do not know me well enough to even judge.

Perhaps, I can see how much I have changed over the past year – my self-esteem has been totally wiped off. I guess that is worse than the lost of my creativity and smiles. I am being drained off of everything.

I do not hope for much, except that nobody will put more unnecessary pressure on me due to imaginative. I need more time to sort things out and get essential things done before I can sit down to think of how to become a better person in all aspects such that nobody will ever feel being neglected by me.

This birthday has received fewer wishes than the previous one, which describes how I have been distancing away from friends. If I have a choice, will I not choose to be everyone’s best friend?