Freedom or Lonesome

After so many years, I know clearly if a person truly loves another person deeply, she will never leave him regardless of all circumstances.

There are numerous obstacles in our lives and no matter what we do, there will be obstruction. What the least we can do is to try our best to overcome every single problem and not giving up.

But when I see how fragile the love is, and with all the promises not kept, showing all the unconcern, I never hope for the future.

If someone can be so easily influenced and that she listens to all except the one who she claims she love, nothing more can be done by him.

Is this a freedom or lonesome?

The first two times when the guilt of lies was concerned, I thought it was reasonable until I realised everything was full of shitty lies after all; if you could lie just for anyone’s sake, why must you fucking pretend that you felt sinned and made me guilty as well?

And this time you choose to get involved with all the shits, perhaps to get more recognised or famous; to choose them over me and place all your precious time with other friends, claiming about the need to study, I will never believe in your tales anymore.

You can have all your time with your smoker, your beloved cute photograph partner and your senior, who points knife at you to go out, I never have the power or in position to stop you.

Yes, I am penniless and all of them can buy you hell lots of bags and chocolate you want.

New Record – 8.30am

[Saturday, 13 January, 2007]

One of the shaggiest days began with morning calls at 8.30pm. That bloody hell woke me up so early that I had less than four hours of sleep. Seriously what was wrong with agents? Even if they managed to be the first person to contact the house agent or owner, they had to confirm with their own clients as well. The newspapers were out like four in the morning and should we just start calling each number right after we received the papers?

My Saturday was spoilt as predicted and I had to reject Bunnie’s date; it could be a great army outing maybe. I continued to receive calls for enquiries like as if I was distributing free gifts. My mind remained unrest even when I was at the toilet.

It was around noon when my brother returned home and told me one of the aunties downstairs was looking for me. I went down soon to look for her for I knew she had some lobangs. She told me her boss had a unit nearby and the lease for some workers was going to end soon. I went over to take a look but could not find any clue except it was a walk-up without much hygienic.

Vivi called me just before I was going home and I waited for her at the bus-stop. I had pathetic moments on the way with my phone kept ringing but most of the times were fruitless attempts. I was quite lucky for she was supposed to meet up with her friend soon who later suggested they would meet up next time instead and thus I got to spend more time with her.

I did not have a peaceful afternoon still. And when Kelly called to announce her arrival, I left Vivi sleeping alone in the room; I was quite unrest over it for she would probably be freaked out if she was to wake up to find herself alone. The good news was that Kelly had closed Bedok block 102.

It was supposed to be a quick meeting to get the keys from Kelly but I brought her over to the electronic repair shop to find the owner, Uncle Sam. At the same time, my mum bought my dinner and some dessert to pass me at the letterbox. We made some enquiries before going over to take a look at the building again but Kelly gave up without climbing up. I supposed less smoking would do her better. She bought a packet of coffee as she called her friend who seemed to have many workers. We went back to the shop to talk to Uncle Sam but it was not as smooth as we thought.

Finally, I got home to have my rest but the phone continued to ring. Vivi was in fact asleep throughout my disappearance and I pronounced she was a pig. We had fun teasing each other and it was quite a blissful afternoon somehow even though she did not intend to spend it with me if not for her friend.

She was using my computer and talked to Yuqing and later I called him for a chat before both of us left together. I walked her to the bus-stop and waited quite long for the bus to come before I rushed off to the MRT station to proceed to Bedok. The journey alone was quite boring.

I went up to the flat to wait for the arrival of Sophie. I was quite shocked when the group of them came with a cute and friendly dog. Due to my, I did not talk a lot with the thought that Kelly should have explained everything clearly to them. They closed the door and windows to test the noise level from outside and later, they said they did not feel secure to pay for it before the valuation was out. It was a great disappointment for I thought I could have closed it since it was their second visit.

Then, I waited for Rahman to come but instead, Ding called me. I was quite shocked with a couple came up with a name card and said “he” was not coming up as he could not find a parking lot. They walked around the flat fast and did not intend to stay for long, which was quite a disappointment as well. I closed up the flat and left after that.

I stopped by the hawker centre and asked my mum whether they wanted any fried banana or satay. Then, I went to buy ten pieces of fried banana and was quite confused over the different sizes for they looked nearly the same. The scenery at the hawker centre was quite good.

It was a lonely trip home again. I was filled with emotions while waiting for the train. I was sitting at the exact place where my family used to wait together after visiting my grandmother at Bedok South. We used to buy some fried bananas or satays before going home. I was missing my father so much that my eyes were filled with tears.

Back at home, Mike messaged me in MSN and it was so rare. We had some chat before Vivi called me. After that, I was trying to blog but my younger brother started to tell me stories about his camp; as usual, I did not like to do anything with anyone by my side and thus I kept my eyes at the television set instead.

Lonely star

Seriously, I cannot take it that my girlfriend has brought her friends Christmas presents and does not even give me a sweet. I cannot accept the fact that my girlfriend has deceived her parents for the sake of going out with a guy who she will be seeing almost daily in school; and worst still, just two days before she goes overseas for holidays, and we do not get to meet up. I cannot foresee the future with a girlfriend who simply tells me she will be meeting me the next days but gives me a red light when the days arrive; minor things do pile up to be a hassle.

At least I know clearly I am not the only person you would lie for and I need not be guilty anymore. How about your love? I am sorry but I have begun to doubt so much. Is it some kind of attention you are seeking that you can get from just any guy?

Perhaps love requires too much maturity that even I am too childish for it.

Let me grow old alone.

Sold My First Flat

[Wednesday, 27 December, 2006]

I was behaving quite like a zombie in the morning for the lack of sleep and disappointment of the unsold flat, which could have been sold a week ago.

I was actually quite excited for the arrival of the valuer and Kelly had taught me more things this morning. The valuer was a girl who looked quite young and pleasant. She came with papers to note down things and later, took out a camera to take photos. I thought she had a nice job for she got to travel more than me to look at houses, and also able to practise photography.

Rahman was late for a while and he brought down the couple and their son. My instinct was right this time that the buyers were willing to buy the flat. I supposed it was partly due to the fact that they were urgently looking for a new house and Rahman’s team worked so swiftly that they did not want to hold on to any client. Of course, the buyers, Mr Low and his wife were very easygoing people.

We went down to the stone table but it was too windy. Later on, Rahman finally got his name card for both Kelly and I. We moved to the community centre. I was surprised to see Mr Low having very long name and Kelly told me he was a Chinese who had converted to Muslim. I was very impressed with him for it must have taken him a lot of sacrifice to be with his gorgeous wife.

We finally got the paper work done with Kelly’s help. Actually, Rahman was handling the JTC resale flat for the first time as well. Even though the flat was finally sold, I knew well I did not make much from the little commission; it was so pathetic for I had made almost ten trips down and the travel fee and time wasted was enormous. The greatest worry was how I was going to answer to Francis when Kelly did not want anyone else to know that she was helping us. And also, since the case was closed after so much helps from Kelly, I did not feel proud.

After reaching home, I was dead beat from the lack of sleep. I was also quite disappointed that Vivi was actually out with another guy, her senior in school, to catch a movie instead of accompanying me. That guy insisted her to date with him out of so many girls in Singapore but her mum had ordered home in the midst of the romantic movie. Seeing her nick in MSN was a sickening thing when she was apologising so much to him.

I did not doubt her loyalty but her naiveness that people always took it for granted. The day sucked to the maximum and I was getting so weary perhaps due to the numerous travelling in the bad weather that I dozed off many times.

It was during evening, she called me while she was going for tuition and she told me she had dinner with the same guy who insisted it in order to forgive her for her mum forced her home earlier. Maybe some people would think she was so lovely to repay her mum’s debt but I only cared about how weird it was for a guy to ask so much from an attached girl.

Kelly had arranged to meet me at 9pm for Mr. Low wanted to pay for the exercise fee immediately so as to proceed with the flat faster. It was a bad timing for I was going to miss my favourite channel 8 show. Weirdly, my mum had not returned home with my dinner at such late hour as she was kind of forced to join a religious gathering with great food; I thought those people were very hypocrite to force people into their believe.

I was wearing very causally as I thought I had to just pass her the document. Then, she was late for she was doing her holy task of helping Jenny with some stuff. Suddenly, she called me and asked me to go down to McPherson Road and I was so stunned. The exact location was Pipit Road which I had not heard before. There were a few persons in the queue but they were all not in the same way as the cab driver who came next.

I got into it and soon, started chatting with the uncle. He thought I was from China for I was speaking in Chinese all along. Later on, he introduced me to a china website where he got many cheap China goods. He told me that he was working nearly twenty years in the sales line before switching job. It was a good experience to be his customer and partly thanks to Kelly that I was getting noisier, but of course still not even half of my past standard.

I thought my job was to pass Kelly the documents but she brought me up to Mr Low’s house at block 54. I was very embarrassed for wearing shorts and the NP t-shirt. Then, Kelly got me to fill in the forms and she guided me by the side. However, I did not understand the whole procedure still.

After everything was settled, we went down to the void deck to settle the payment. I returned her the $172.50 from Mr Low for the valuation fee and she insisted me to take $25 from her as cab fare. From then, I deducted that she would never take the commission from Mingfa and I as we planned to divide the small amount between the three of us. She had put me to so much shame for she was helping us so much that she was wasting so much of her time and money.

It was pouring heavily still and we sat there to discuss over how to talk to Francis. I reminded her that it was obvious someone had been helping us and she finally agreed to let Francis know about it. Francis was praising Mingfa and me for doing the valuation despite the risk that we would be wasting the money if there was no buyer, which was different from what he said to me in the afternoon.

At this point of time I was quite lost. The society seemed so dark that no one was completely trustable. From Kelly, I knew many things about our team for she was a great observer. So far, I had not seen anyone as hardworking as her and I really wished to learn more from her in a way such that Francis would not be angry in any way. It was pretty obvious that Mingfa and I were neglected somehow and we had no choice but to accept Kelly’s kind help, which had benefited us so much to start off into the field.

She insisted to see me into the cab before she rode home in her bike.

Santa on Bicycle

[Monday, 25 December, 2006]

It was Christmas Day finally and I was preparing to deliver the present over to Vivi when she sounded very sleepy. I tried to keep her awake but instead, I lost a lot of time doing that, which was a mistake. I had not cycled for so long since after my operation and this time with the new tyres, I used less strength than before to do the same amount of job.

It was a challenge against myself. I reached her place near 1am and gave her more than thirty calls which she did not pick up. I got so disappointed because usually her friends could easily wake her up when they wanted to chat with her over the phone. Standing at the corridor, I had so much doubt that I could take good care of her.

I made the wasted trip there and I was not sure how my mum felt about it. At least I had proven that my left leg was capable of paddling though it might still not be able to withstand jumping. It was quite an unlucky morning for when I got to Yan Kit Road, the roti prata was sold out. I decided to go home empty-handed and the chain came off. For the first time I fixed it back but got my hands so dirty.

It was a boring day ahead. She had organised a party at her house since her parents did not allow her to go out to celebrate. I seriously did not understand what grudges her parents bear with me but from what she told me, I could not go even though I was not very interested as well.

It was till night time when I decided to deliver her present over, her friends were leaving. Since she told me her dad was sending them to the MRT station, I decided to stop by Outram Park MRT station. It was raining but I decided to proceed on. After waiting for quite some time, I called her to check for her location and realised her dad was sending her friends to Woodlands MRT instead. In the rain, I cycled straight to her house and luckily her brother came to the living room and I quietly caught his attention to pass him the present without letting her mum know.

After that, her brother and I started to bluff her that the present was given by her brother and she believed it. Since the day before she had received some chocolate with “I love you” label inside, she insisted that present was from me. No matter how I explained and swear that I was not so stupid to make her grow fat, she refused to believe me.

In the end, I realised her group of friends who went to her house was actually friends introduced by a smoker cum playboy who tried to break us months ago. The disappointment was so heartbreaking. Then, she was busy entertaining that playboy for she did not invite him over due to a conflict between him and another guy.

Alas, I concluded that she was so naïve to easily believe other people and yet she always had doubts in me. Another disappointment was that she would never ever keep her promise to stay away from people whom I disliked.

Cockster Agent, Wallet and Carls Junior

[Thursday, 21 December, 2006]

After a few days of revisiting the Haig Road flat, I finally had an unpleasant experience. Kelly and I made our way down specially for this agent called Nadine who claimed that she would be late as her buyer was not on time.

Meanwhile, Kelly took me up to the top of the flat to “advertise”. We met a china girl on the lift and we passed by her door when she had changed into her short shorts; she looked so charming despite her face was not that pretty. This was one of the good things about walking around Singapore.

Anyway, suddenly Nadine called I realised she had mistaken Haig Road as part of Beach Road. The appointment was cancelled. Luckily for Mingfa, he was involved in the Zhenghua Secondary’s volleyball invitational match and he did not make the wasted trip down.

I walked alone to Paya Lebar MRT and waited at Outram Park. Then I realised Vivi had not even stepped out of her house. The usual waiting was quite awkward for I was so afraid that I would arouse the suspicious of the SMRT staff. I felt like sitting down somewhere but the place seemed too high class for anyone to do that.

When she finally arrived, we proceeded to Jurong Point. The purpose of this trip was to retrieve her lost wallet. It was a great lost for there were our neoprints inside, together with some thirty dollars cash and some of her cards such as Ez-link card.

This was not the first time and I was not surprised at all since she had been carelessly neglecting her stuffs like mobile phone so much. However, the point that the guy had tried so hard to get her number to contact her directly instead of going to the police made me so worried. I was so worried that I insisted to go down together with her.

We went to the KFC right away and I began to feel weird. Then, she finally told me the guy who called her was the manager of the KFC branch; she only told me that she could collect her wallet anytime. My worries eased off. She was so rejoiced after retrieving it back but within minutes, she left it on my hands.

We went to the 7-11 store for I was so thirsty. She suddenly became so sensible that she wanted to share the drinks with me to cut down on expense. She chose an expensive chocolate drinks and even though I knew it would not drench my thirst, I decided to please her and satisfy my urge for chocolate.

We went to Plaza Singapura to meet up with Jenrice. This time round, we managed to get to the basement directly from the underground. Then, we found her at the Spotlight before going to look for drum sticks and then down to Carls Junior.

Eating messily

My cute sister

I bought a set of whatever chicken meal and it cost over ten bucks and I was shocked for I always thought it was only seven plus. Then, I tried to peel the big burger apart but it became so disgusting that Vivi decided to get herself one instead. I regretted it so much for I still preferred the price, especially the taste of burgers in KFC or MacDonald’s.

A Japanese girl at the other side of the glass kept screaming and trying to get our attention. I put two fries into my mouth while playing with her and she started to imitate me; luckily her mum did not see me doing that.

After the dinner, we left the place and I sent Vivi home by bus 124. It was such a rare day that I could finally go out with her.

Formal Wear Full Geared

[Friday, 08 December, 2006]

Mingfa and I were supposed to attend a talk in our office which was actually optional. After repeated advice from Francis, we decided to begin our formal clothes lives.

I had another round of working throughout the night experience and thus was totally shagged out when Vivi called me around noon. She wanted to have lunch with me before going to the Tzu Qing camp for I had told her my initial plan to go to Carls Junior the day before during our date to Vivo City. I thought fast food was for emergency for it was served “fast” and thus was quite meaningless to go there just for it. Anyway, I knew I need to catch more sleep in order to attend the talk in the afternoon.

After waking up at around 2pm, I realised she was not herself – either angry or sad. I called her immediately but she sounded a bit busy that I told her I had to take my lunch first before running late for the talk. I finally put on the formal wear, namely the unworn long sleeve shirt and pant I bought for my job attachment during the polytechnic days. As I took out the new SAF leather shoes, I realised the shoes laces were not tied yet and thus, simply grabbed an old pair of shoes which belonged to my elder brother.

I missed a bus 167 but luckily 196 came soon after. I was early but Mingfa was even earlier as he came straight from his volleyball coaching at CCAB (previously NIE). We went up to the office immediately. He finally got his name cards. I taught him a few items that Francis taught me which he had missed out a few days ago. The sudden announcement of the speaker for the talk falling sick killed the purpose of us going down. However, Mingfa managed to do his finger print for the entering of the office.

We left for Queensway shopping centre together and Mingfa managed to influence me to get a pair of leather shoes. We got discount though for the two pairs of shoes, costing us sixty-five bucks each. It was an investment though the SAF shoes were enough but certainly would not leave good impression for bigger clients. Mingfa started to distribute his name card and I thought it was weird if I were to give the lady mine as well.

Then, Mingfa visited a shop to look for volleyball shoes and wears. In the end, we went down to the ATM machine and he gave me back the money for my birthday. It was kind of “ang bao” from him and some of my volleyball friends who did not buy me any present. I thought it was quite weird to get it for it had been dragged for more than a month.

After that, we departed at the bus-stop.

Movie Date with Vivi

[Thursday, 07 December, 2006]

I had totally forgotten about the last movie date with Vivi; it was far too long ago.

I woke up at around 9am to get ready and later, gave her two calls to finally wake her up and remind her that we had a date at 10am. She even wanted to have MacDonald’s breakfast hours ago and obviously the plan did not work.

Long John Silver’s breakfast

Looks yummy actually

We finally met up around 10.30am at the bus-stop outside Vivo City and went straight to the movie ticket booth. After getting the tickets for the 11.20am “Happy Feet”, we went in search for food. My intention was to share a set of meal at Carls Junior but it was not opened yet. We went to Long John Silver’s instead. The staffs were friendly but most probably because of our smiles. When I asked for “Combo 1”, the boy stared at me and only till this day I knew the combo sets belonged to lunch category. At first I thought I could still grab it at 11am but it took the staffs around ten minutes to prepare and we gave up.

Happy Feet

I was luckily seated between two girls inside the cinema. Vivi was sweet of course but I did not take any peep at the girl on my right side and thus had no comment about her looks. The story was average to me for some parts seemed to be not logical and the stomping of the feet was actually not perfectly rhymed with the sound. I was quite impressed with some of the sound effects though.

Case with six slots inside

Glasses with holes to help to train eyes, selling $2 at Daiso, which Optical shops sell it at least five times more

Nice silver carabineer which actually came in a pair and one was given to my younger brother

Compass with Chinese characters

We went to take a walk after the movie and reached Daiso. I was so pleased for this outlet was nearer to my house compared to the one at Plaza Singapura. We shopped inside for very long for I needed to find files, compass and carabineer, while Vivi needed to get some drawing materials.

It was an enjoyable shopping with her. I supposed it was because I had been telling myself she had finally made an attempt such that her parents would not give a surprise call to her; for the first time I put myself at ease throughout the whole day. This was the result of dating with a girl of a very strict family.

I took her up to the top level “Sky Park” to enjoy a walk which I thought would be nice because of the ambience but she did not seem to like it. She did not even believe me that the water was clean even though so many people were already playing inside it and kids were even wearing swimming goggles. I thought it was a clean and nice place to take pictures but she refused and was safeguarding herself from being pushed into the water by me when she was carrying her valuables.

Any babe wants to volunteer to be my model for photo shooting then?

Soon, it marked the end of our Vivo City outing, which I had waited ever since the opening months ago. I went to the Seah Lm food centre to get my bunch and both of us went to my house for a short beauty sleep. And since I was so lack of sleep, it was almost impossible to drag myself up when she tried to leave by herself. I dragged my feet to at least send her to the bus-stop and continued my sleep after that.

Our Suntanning Trip

[Thursday, 30 November, 2006]

Vivi wanted a suntan at Sentosa and so we arranged to meet at 8am in the morning. I was quite down-lucked for the company’s meeting was on the same day.

I woke up at around 7am and gave numerous morning calls to her but she did not pick up. Then, I started to hesitate if I should even pack up for the trip. She called me around fifteen minutes later to claim that she was taking her bath and I proceeded on. However, just before I was leaving my house, I wanted to confirm the meeting place with her but she did not pick up my calls again. I got so frustrated after calling her around eight times and eventually went back to sleep. Finally she called me back and claimed that her phone was left inside the room.

Both of us were late eventually and I was later since she stayed nearer and had three direct buses to Harbourfront. I was unfortunately quite unlucky with the waiting of bus as well. She asked me where to meet and we agreed at the bus-stop but when I reached, she had crossed over to the food centre to get some drinks which added a little irritation to me.

But this day, somehow she was so sweet that I was swept over by her charm in no time. Or perhaps, I loved the quiet moments with her lying on my shoulder during the bus rides, the satisfactory feeling which resembled heaven. She behaved somehow more ladylike than usual and possessed these cheerful smiles which were missing for the past few months.

I realised the Islander Card’s prices had increased. She did not want to apply for the card and therefore I only paid for the three bucks entry fee. Just as I was sighing for the gone Blue Line bus after the blur staff had delayed us, the driver for a leaving Yellow Line bus questioned us. He thought we were new to the place and even advised us to take a map, and I kindly continued with the “game”. So, instead of Siloso beach, we went to Palawan beach.

The bird who welcomed us

The place was almost empty without the staffs. I walked her to the nearest washroom for her to get changed before we went to the bridge. It was the first time I ever stepped onto it and was glad that it was with a girl who had brightened my life. We started off with taking a picture of a bird and soon, realised there was no sun.

Splendid scenery!

The water and the shore

The trees in the drizzling rain

The sky began to grow dark fast but the colour tone of the surrounding was so beautiful including the water. After more capturing of the scenery, the down-pouring rain forced us to a shelter nearly. I saw a miracle as the dark clouds began to disperse and the rain eventually stopped within minutes. I was quite reluctant to leave the island as the sun had already smiled at us but she chose to leave.

Perhaps, she was right as all the delays had drawn the morning nearer to noon. We took the tram to the Beach Car Park and took Blue Line to the Visitor Departure Centre in which we transferred to the bus towards Harbourfront bus interchange.

It was not long before reaching my house and fast asleep comfortably in the hug of her. This afternoon, the alarm clock failed to get me up of the bed. She tried her best to pinch me but I rather bear the pain than to leave the paradise.

We went for lunch at the chicken rice shop where Wanting’s mum worked. It was only when we were about to leave, we saw Wanting there and thus could not talk to her. Both of us went to the same bus-stop where I caught my bus 197 immediately.

Finally out with Vivi

It had been so long since I last went out with Vivi. Due to my operation done during September, I had been staying at home until last month, time caught up with her. And then, in order to plead her parents to allow her to go to my chalet, she stayed home for more than a week; she could not stay overnight though.

During this period, there were only house visits from her. Although I was able to save a lot of money, staying at home was dull; we should have strike a balanced.

This evening she wanted to get a FBT shorts and a pair of slippers, and we went to Queensway Shopping Centre together. Though it was not very long duration, it was a gift after all to be able to go out with her.

The black FBT shorts were finally stocked up for months ago we could not find any in the entire shopping centre.

This night, we had dinner at MacDonald’s again; the food court was not even in my consideration list.

We could not get her slippers because her mum had forbidden her to get those normal ones which there was a stripe in between the big toe and second toe; her mum said it would make her legs look uglier. That sounded weird to me but I could not do anything.

Finally, I got to send her home by bus 61 and actually I was quite cautious about my ezlink card’s value.