http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84CePpU9C7E
I’m deeply disturbed by the video above. I do not care about how many people are saying “this is just a disruption of the services, give them time to fix it”, because it is not the main point. If you are trapped inside the train some depth below the human race living level, how would you feel? I assume most people are quite sympathetic towards others because human beings are born with kind nature. If you are thinking that this is just nothing, imagine your love ones are being stuck inside the trains. If you think that is not the worst scenario, visualise your grandparents then. I have come across some comments that the train has backup power that allows up to 45 minutes of ventilation during power failure. Even a kid would know that maximum battery lives would decrease over time – your mobile phone tells you that and your laptop has proven you that as well. What is the capacity of people for the 45 minutes of ventilation being measured? Some creative people may think that this is a once-in-a-fifty-years rare thrilling experience but I think differently. Before you attend Halloween night parties, you know you would be scared. Even if you are going for the roller-coaster ride, you should expect some breathless excitements. You know you will be fine after all. On the other hand, if the train has stopped for some time inside the tunnel and you realise it is getting stuffy with many passengers inside, you do not know if you can live for how more. If you think it can be forever safe in Singapore, the government will not be conducting emergency drills “Northstar”. Singaporeans are already warned about terrorism and scenes will flash through their minds during the lock-down during the train breakdown. You call for help and you receive none, you do not know what is going to happen next and when it is going to end. Most passengers seem to be fine except for around two who have fainted. Still, I expect quite a handful of victims could have developed some phobia after being mentally tortured for hours. All it takes is for the train officers to calm the passengers down and open the doors for ventilation. This society is being drawn a big thick line in between the very rich and the rest of the people. The rich people are managing everyone and they do not understand the rest of the people’s needs. They do not understand the basic needs for survival and the slightest integrity that even the poor people need. We are often powerless to do anything.
The Most Attractive Doctor Ever
Last Thursday, I went to the National Skin Centre for my appointment. Since the nurse at the registration counter told me I would have to wait for at least 45 minutes, I did not fully pay attention to the electrical board. I was reading news on my phone when I heard my name being called. I quickly rushed to the room and was taken aback. The girl sitting at the doctor’s seat was the prettiest doctor I had ever visited. What stunned me most was her body movement for I had not seen such an energetic doctor before. She spoke with accent and swept my soul right and left. I supposed she had just graduated from overseas. I did not even have three hours of sleep but that was probably not the main reason I could not catch her questions sometimes – my English was really bad. My bouncing heart had most likely made things worse. I felt embarrassed that I could not communicate well with her. This illustrates clearly why I cannot get a girlfriend. I like Asian girls who are westernized and hyperactive but I’m very weak in my English language and I have since long ago trained to be very dull due to poor family background. I also crack very cold jokes, which very few people would appreciate. Even though I have been ranting about “chiobu” almost every day, I’m definitely not looking for models as my girlfriend. I focus more on the actions, reactions and elegance of the girl. It is challenging enough for any normal girl to take notice of me. I dare not dream. Though I need someone to take care of me badly right now, I’m more worried about my work.
Not a Good Time for Birthday
It was a different birthday from the past twenty plus years. There was nothing special except that it happened to be a down period.
I am never good at expressing myself verbally nor physically; but it does not mean I do not care. Friends who know well enough should understand that I am much more emotional than most people. Little things can easily affect me a lot and forbid me from dozing off. I have been trying to kick my bad habit but many friends have somehow aided the devil within me. I am failing badly.
I have been doing self-reflecting more than usual – and in fact it is my daily habit. If you were to use my horoscope to describe me as stubborn, this is perhaps the best example because I am not good at apple-polishing and not want to pick it up. But come to think of it – who is never stubborn in certain aspects or things that he or she strongly believes? If you have been insisting in things being done in your way or expecting your analysis to be perfect, does it show that you are more stubborn than any Scorpion?
If you have a certain opinion on someone, have you ever look back at yourself to check if you are actually far ahead in the same attribute? If someone has not done something that you think is necessary, which by not doing so will not cause any harm to anyone, will you pass a certain judgement on him without considering what have been stopping him?
I am extremely lack of skill to even take care of myself to anticipate what others may need. For me, I always try to keep things simple. I will not try to get or do things that are non-essential. I also do not wish to be tied down by anything. If you are judging me based on the lack of these, you probably do not know me well enough to even judge.
Perhaps, I can see how much I have changed over the past year – my self-esteem has been totally wiped off. I guess that is worse than the lost of my creativity and smiles. I am being drained off of everything.
I do not hope for much, except that nobody will put more unnecessary pressure on me due to imaginative. I need more time to sort things out and get essential things done before I can sit down to think of how to become a better person in all aspects such that nobody will ever feel being neglected by me.
This birthday has received fewer wishes than the previous one, which describes how I have been distancing away from friends. If I have a choice, will I not choose to be everyone’s best friend?
It is NOT as Simple as What You Are Seeing
Human beings tend to look at things from their own angles and believe solely in their own points of view. In my experience, some things may seem simple to some people but it can be difficult to many others – different people have different abilities and experiences. Things may seem straightforward but there can be many little details in order to accomplish them. For example, to open the casing of a mobile phone, an experienced user may just tell someone to pull it apart. However, some phones may require you to press certain part to unlock first. Many things are actually more complicated. I’m struggling hard but nobody can see the direction that I’m heading towards. It is a huge market that I’m exploring but I’m also entering a trade that is heavily congressed. There are many people who have stepped in more than ten years ahead of me and I’m very sure they have maximised their manpower, resources and experiences to think of creative marketing strategies – which I have seen none. My brothers and I have been thinking of ideas but nothing magnificent seems to be workable and thus, it appears to outsiders that none of us has made any effort to do any planning. I try to comfort myself by thinking that all the older companies have run out of ideas as well – at least, some people do believe in this – that I’m just finding excuses. I’m not good in prioritising tasks but at least I know what are required. I have never planned to reach for the sky before taking care of crucial things on the ground that few people can see. I do restructure my system often but it is not that I have not planned enough in the beginning stage; I’m totally new to the trade and almost greenhorn to the extent of coding. I’m proud that I have come out with ideas that have outshone most others. But my task is not all about coding a website just for clients to log in and it is also beyond online marketing can help. I have to take care of different groups of users and their interaction, and I also have to solve problems created by many humans. Things would be very different if I were working on just a blog that mainly earns through advertisement banners. But since I have started something, I’m not going to give it up. I design, I code, I write, I market, I administrate and I entertain confused people. If anyone says I should have done more, I can only smile. If anyone insists that it is easy, go and try starting an agency in Singapore such as maid agency or job agency.
I’m Not Ready
When I answered the auntie next to my office that I did not have a girlfriend, she asked if I were not interested in girls. For once I did not have any interest to joke and immediately denied her. There are too many reasons why I’m not hurrying to get one. To sound really bad, it is simply because no girl is interested in me. On a more positive note, most people should be able to tell that I’m not ready yet. I have been struggling with work for very long and I can hardly spend enough time to accompany anyone. I’m realistic and know well I’m not able to give a girl a good life in my current situation. The cost of living in Singapore is ridiculous. Somehow, something is hindering me from fantasizing about beautiful stories. The phobia is dreadful. So far, no one has the power to make me overcome it. I may drool over a girl but I’m not moving at all and there can never be a chance.
Regaining Freedom
The three weeks of torment has finally ended. To others, they might enjoy it for it was a break from their work. They were being paid as normal to slack and basically needed not use their brain at all. I felt the opposite because I was running my own business and the opportunity cost was high to halt my development. This further made me realise how tough it was to become a young entrepreneur in Singapore. I could not stand wasting my day rotting around and not able to proceed on my website development. The travelling distance was a major turn-off. This time, somehow Terry was allocated to the next batch even though we had attended two sessions together without deferring. I was definitely luckier than most people. Not many could have an easy life when they put on the ugly green skin. There were two car owners and I managed to get free lift. Apart from the first week that I caught the car near the gate, I started travelling down to Hougang to get my free ride. I get daily tea breaks at the canteens. The people were very friendly, which made the experience even better.
Things that we don't want to remember are most likely unable to be forgotten
Many incidents are dwelling within me and I cannot let go of them no matter what.
When I was a teenager, I already had many dreams in mind to accomplish – mainly are my websites. I had many never-ending projects, which were not benefiting me in term of financial. Those were the days I could afford to help my friends whenever they approach me.
Situation has worsened over the years. More friends are coming to me and most of the tasks are more time-consuming than ever. At the same time, I’m struggling harder with my own life to build a better tomorrow for my family and I. The quantity of the requests has, although, decreased since I have lost touch with many friends, but the “quality” has upgraded.
I started helping Tze Khit with his websites and design work for marketing until he insisted to pay me some money for the work. It was my form of support for a great friend who was beginning with his career. Ever since I started my tuition agency, I found it almost impossible to lend him a hand anymore. He offered to employ me on a full-time basis and I had to reject him, which was making me feel very uncomfortable all these while.
A couple of months ago, Joei approached me to help her to design four posters for her students’ competition. My tasks were already “at my throat” and I rejected her immediately, knowing that I could not “swallow” anymore project. That was an ultimate slash at my heart because she was one of the most beautiful women in heart I had met. My principle since young “nice people should be rewarded” has been haunting me till today. To others, it is very common to reject any call for help, but it is the last thing I want to do, especially to a special lady.
I’m used to sacrifice myself for friends and even friends who are not very close to me; I set aside my work for them. Things are not as simple anymore because besides making my life extremely difficult, my actions will disappoint many people who have been pinning high hopes on me.
Don’t tell me you have experienced it personally, or studied my horoscope or handwriting – nobody can understand how I’m feeling. My situation is far worse than what you can imagine. I’m being hit internally and externally, by myself and others. The pressure is enormous, not to mention about the long period of endurance, which still exists.
I want to make the world beautiful. I want all beautiful people to have beautiful lives so that they can create a beautiful world for others as well. This is a dream, which is impossible to reach – but I’m persistent not because I’m stubborn because I see the importance of it.
My memory is never good but somehow these are the things that can be trapped inside my brain for long. Yes, I have forgotten many unpleasant things almost entirely until somebody mentions about them, but they have definitely bothered me longer than other people.
Being unable to help my friends is one of the worst nightmares I can have, but since months ago, I have met the most incredible incident. When Gilbert told me Raymond had just recovered from cancer, I was totally traumatised. We were very good buddies, together with Peh, during our NS slavery days but Raymond started to stray away somehow due to his busy schedule. I could not afford to spend enough time to keep in touch with all my good friends.
I feel like a shit. My tears fill my eyes every now and then till now, just like how the scene of my dad passing away have been dwelling on me. I was never there for my good friend when he needed support the most. I don’t even know about his critical illness until he has recovered in miracle. What kind of a friend I am? I feel like punching myself sometimes.
My life sucks because I have been such a failure.
Whenever I mention about how I hate my current lifestyle within or at the bottom of any blog entry’s content, it does not mean that I dislike only what have happened as mentioned inside. It is not only about the problems I’m facing in my work, not just the failure to live like a normal person as expected by others, not mainly on the things I can’t do for my friends, not simply because I’m being treated worse than a dog by someone, but many other issues that are bothering me.
Thy Lone
I’m beginning to cherish my weekends more than ever. Even though I do work almost every day, I feel more relaxed during weekends when I’m not being grounded.
I’m a working machine being created to produce work endlessly less the Saturday mornings I join Gilbert to the gym for a swim.
I get weary at times. Though I’m usually doing work in the field that I like, things are not as simple as most people think, and sometimes I even find issues trying to relate to Google about my problems. Things are not easy because it involves more than website building. If I have taken business management courses in the past, it would be a different story.
There is absolutely no one person I can pour out my frustration to because friends are either facing different challenges or seeing things differently from me. It is also useless to pen down a ten thousand words in my blog because I can never fully explain myself.
I seem like fighting the battle alone.
The Sweet Things Yesterday May Not Be Sweet Today
Long ago, I heard encouragements to the persistence of doing my own business. Flexibility of time and working location were great buy. I could do my work at any time of the day at anywhere with my laptop, which meant that I could merry around during normal people’s working hours. Apart from the extra hard effort required and income instability, everything was supposed to be sweet.
I, however, am never a cut to become someone who can really enjoy myself. There are many things I wish to do but have given up. There are also many things I hesitate or hate to do but I’m doing them for the sake of accommodating my loved ones and friends. I’m definitely living a bitter life for now.
I have free tickets and accommodation for overseas trips, but I cannot and do not have the mood to leave Singapore for more than a day.
I also have job temptations from numerous kind friends. I know I should not give up halfway.
I have done my best to struggle alone on various required job roles. I see myself as a researcher, content writer, designer, programmer, tester, blogger, website administration, administrator, marketer, IT support and probably others. The numerous tasks waiting for me to accomplish everyday have killed my creativity since long ago. It is a hectic life for me.
I never have understanding from people surrounding me and not even those whom I get to see numerous times per week. Most friends do not know what I’m working as and those who know do not know what I have been doing. Overall, most people have impression that I’m an idler, although they are very kind to persuade me to get a job.
While most people know about my flexibility of time, they are neglecting the fact that there are huge amount of work for me to finish. So often that I’m neglecting my family for work, especially when we are so bonded together, and I’m always feeling the guilt of turning them down.
I have to deal with changing climates monthly. Even the loudest voice to support my business venture has turned against the flexibilities while I’m being sandwiched by people. I should be feeling great that many kind people are trying to help me but I cannot stop feeling being torn into pieces. I’m still far from meeting their expectations.
Year 2010 – The Year of Isolation
I stayed at Clementi ITE for three months to help my boss. Eventually, I left the place after spending more than a week to work on a farewell website. Soon, I received my degree certificate from University of Wollongong. I also went back to ITE to help Hirman for the orientation camp of the second time of the year.
I had my second last volleyball game of the year before quitting my job. Somehow, I was greatly disappointed over certain things. Thereafter, I rarely got to see my buddies.
I concentrated on my quit smoking website. After officially releasing the website, I was very glad with myself that I had made some contribution to the world and I thought I could die without any regrets after that.
Tze Khit moved his gym over to Tanjong Pagar. I was very happy to see a good friend whose career took off well. I spent a lot of time hanging out with him and updating his website for him. Those sessions were very stressful because he and his partner were giving me instructions by my side and there was no table to work on. Furthermore, I felt very uncomfortable charging a friend for my services. I got to meet many interesting friends at his gym. I went back to Clementi ITE for volleyball with Tze Khit for once, which was the final time I got to touch volleyball for the year.
As I was jobless, my bank account started draining especially when I continued to give my mum money every month without fail. My Sony Ericsson phone G705 died on me and I started using an old Nokia 3120. I began losing touch with my friends as the old phone could not read the entire SIM card’s memory. Since it was totally not user-friendly, I gave up sending greeting SMS to my friends during festivals. I was not broke but it made no sense to hurt my piggybank more when I was still jobless and thus I waited on for my phone plan to be over.
There was no progress in my relationship. I met two very nice girls but they were too busy to go out with me. They eventually got attached.
Towards the end of the year, I began working on a tuition agency website called Smart Tuition. It was after several bashing from friends that I should not be working on non-profitable websites when I was jobless. Mike saw some light in my working direction and began coaching me. We almost missed our first outing as I could not find his contact inside my temporary phone while he was holding onto my old number.