她笑得天真，她笑的眼神是那么贴切，只怕有一天她会难过。
我偷偷地看着她，从她笑容我找出幸福。原来她的美我还无法抗拒；原来那执著我还无法忘记。就是那憔悴的心我还没劝解，一路上少了许多言语，我就是那么不起眼。
她静得让我不自在，心中似乎有隐隐伤横。我忙着猜测，一直没有走向前。其实我害怕。
告别时，我又错过了。明明是同路，我却绕道走。莫名其妙的我焕然大悟，知道一切以过晚，看着远处对角的路，我有一种迷糊的感觉。
The bills that I love
I always don’t bother to check the bills; there’s nothing I can do about it and it doesn’t really concern me. I’m lazy.
But this time a sudden curiosity aroused me and I took a look at the payment slip.
THERAPEUTIC EXERCISE : $21
PHYSIOTHERAPY REVIEW : $12
–
TOTAL CHARGES : $33
GOVERNMENT GRANT : $17-
–
TOTAL AMOUNT PAYABLE : $16
> PAYMENTS
MEDICAL CLAIMS PRORATION SYSTEM : $0
CHAN KAI LUN : $0
> TOTAL DUE AFTER PAYMENTS
–
AMOUNT DUE: MEIDCAL CLAIMS PRORATION SYSTEM : $16
–
AMOUNT DUE: CHAN KAI LUN : $0
I merely used two of the machines during the session by requested. The pretty therapist left me at the station alone. I don’t see how the exercise worth the $21, because I can do it so many times cheaper at a better gym for longer hours and that I can use other machines. Though, I’ll never go to the gym unless being forced during trainings.
But, so what the hospital is claiming so much money? Thanks the government for the grant? Oh well, I don’t need this now, because your so-wonderful *** is paying for them. I don’t feel a cent worth of gratify for them because they owe me for the injuries.
Needlessly to say, the fees they’ve been paying for me isn’t enough to cover up a tiny hole in my heart. The injuries have caused inconvenience for me, as well as discomfort, mental stress, freedom to do things of my liking. It has totally changed my life, my prospective and my eligibility for the upcoming inter-formation volleyball tournament. Alas, not to exclude, the backstabbing that selfish people have been playing on me.
“Some” people in the office always wants to see time chip or any document to testify that I’ve really gone for the appointment and it has been so troublesome. The next time if she ever asks me for it, I’d just ask her to go check out how much *** has forked out for me.
A touch of volleyball
I tried to play volleyball. I couldn’t dig, set, spike and serve properly.
My knees were soft and I couldn’t bend and maintain the position. When I tried to reach for the ball, my knees refused to move. Even when the ball landed right on my hands, my back couldn’t keep still.
I tried to spike, my legs couldn’t give me the height I used to reach and my timing was completely wrong. I couldn’t bend my body to use the waist strength and positioning in the air was weird. Everytime I landed, the aching threatened me not to stand anymore.
I tried to serve, the aching didn’t stop. I had to use the side muscle of my waist to get the ball over when I tried to do upper hand serving.
I felt disabled.
Ugly ***
I really can’t stand this ugly military life. It shags me out totally in both physical and mental, that I’ve been dozing off before midnight these two days.
The medical officer warned me so many times not to carry any heavy load when I brought the x-ray films to him two days ago. I was given another month of excuse heavy load and RMJ (running, marching, jogging) status. He wanted me to report to him immediately if any asshole defied that.
He felt ridiculous when I told him about PES E people carrying heavy stuffs, being forced somehow. The status system was created by the welfare of dear ***-whoever-high-ranking-personnel or maybe government whoever big shot – I don’t care. But the status is just for show, to tell parents “your unfit for duties children are well taken care of and not made to do things beyond their limits” – bullshit. I hate hypocrites.
Despites that, I had to push the fully loaded metallic cupboard upon returning to the office. Could I refuse to it? Who’s going to do the job then and would the selfish and shallow minded people understand? They’d just wait till I can’t walk anymore and give some consolation to pretend they’re concern.
I felt betrayed totally yesterday after shifting another two cupboards from the damn far distance with Chen De and Bryan. When we reached the office, the boss 007 was there and all he could say was “you all better clean up the cupboards..”
If someone else with SOME conscience and EQ were there, he would have praised the injured men for their commitment and asked if they had any pain, instead of being and sounded so mean. We didn’t owe him anything and we’re humans, trying to serve the national for the two pathetic years.
You could hear how tone changes fast, because it’s raining outside and he came back to ask for umbrella. We offered him cardboards but he rejected. Oh man, soldiers are not afraid of rain. Oh dear Captain James, put down your rank and be friends. You don’t want to hear people curse you on the street once they finish their two years.
Killed
Dear dreams,
I think I’ve just killed Kenny’s chicken…
Cry when you're hurt
Suddenly felt so stupid for withstanding my pains. Half a year ago when my whole legs hurt so much, I should be crying for help. The pain was so unbearable but I struggled on each step. I could have admitted defeat to the infection or damaged nerve system.
When condition was so bad, I could be wheeled to the hospital immediately. Documents could be written to testify that my injuries were caused by military training, I could even be compensated. However, the most important thing was that I could be proven with injuries straight away, not until the pain ceased by itself but converted to weird aching and irritating minor sharp pains which doctors couldn’t really find out what’s wrong.
Towards mirth
Isn’t it cool like when you SMSed someone and she didn’t reply and then you SMSed another friend who was actually just besides her? I can’t forget this joke, till now.
How embarrassed can I get? A sudden feeling comes to me that I won’t blush anymore.
As people grow up, they tend to forgo things, like how I ignore some of my hobbies and likings. Glad that I’m not losing only the great things, but the bad things as well. Rumours, backstabs, drifts from friends, I’m too used to them to get sad anymore. Seems like I’m numbed and my mind is too empty to think.
Nevertheless, the numbness is doing me good. Days ago the alcohol robbed me off my misery again. I promised myself not to drink but the beverage was doped. The games boiled my face hot and reddish. The emptiness in my mind brought me peace for that night.
Adult, I don’t want to grow old, for I can’t keep on avoiding problems. May one day I’ll reach the mirth I’m looking forward to; rain or fall the sun will shine through.
You could have just lied
I rushed home to wash up, taking so much extra distance of walk. I picked a good set of clothes, putting up the best front I could. I walked each step faster than my injured knees could, tried not to move my body so that I wouldn’t sweat and stink.
I was sharp on time but somehow someone before me jammed the queue. The pretty soul appeared at the counter and I smiled at her like any other friend but she didn’t seem to recognise me. She walked off with a patient and when I turned back, the curtain to her cubicle was spread.
For so long I tried to occupy myself with writing but I nodded time from time to scribble on the book. She called for my name at last and I followed her like the previous time. I was experienced and calm that I expected for questions like the previous time. But what she asked was like stabbing right into my mouth, that I was too embarrassed to answer.
I didn’t exercise as instructed. My all day long tiring work had made me lazier than before. There wasn’t any motivation for me to go on, at least not when I had doubts in the stretching’s capabilities to heal my knees.
The reproaching turned my face red. It was only when questioned, I started to realise why my laziness could overcome the urge to try different stuffs to cure my injuries – I’ve immune to the aching and no longer afraid of their presence. I believed few or none could endure as far as me. But I wasn’t a hero, just a foolish ignorant.
It should be a good day but somehow my frankness devised me of the privilege; can this farker lie when it’s crucial?
Passion, time and money
Everyone should go for what he really wants and let the passion build his success. But sometimes dreams are too far to attain, and before you realise, you’ve neglected other things. Perhaps, you’ll need a huge financial support to survive through. With this, all in their lives some people search for their dreams and live for them.
I’ve no capital.
Dreams are drives, which I’ve many, too many to fulfil, and they just fill my mind like hot steam in an enclosed boiling kettle, ready to explode any time. My love into arts like writing, drawing, designing, music and others have stalled my mind and often, I don’t know which to start off or continue.
For these days, I’ve a thirst for music. Just like how I write down my poetry, I want to note down the pieces of rhythm in my mind. I need to get a guitar to practise on, to record down my inspiration. I want to play the songs that Irwin composes, share the best music around my friends.
Do I have the time to?
Backstabbed
I’ve never liked army’s life, except for some kind souls’ companion.
You put in your best and do what you can, even when you’re sick or injured. You stay back to do extra work alone while others give excuses to go off. You’re promised off to claim but suddenly they say everything’s cancelled. Once the phone rings, you’re told to move and carry heavy things alone, even when you know you’re not named every time.
Your injuries worsen but you continue to work. One day when you can’t hold it anymore, you finally sound out and the doctor wants you to go for appointments every week. Your x-ray result is out and there’s proof to indicate your problem but somehow your colleague starts rumour behind you though you’re still helping the team to carry things despites your medical status.
Army just isn’t the place for me.