眼泪是热的，言语是空虚的，连笑容也是刹那间的。
你只让天空不下雨，不在乎叶子会枯落。鲜花撒出了泪水，花瓣纷纷着地，幸福干枯了。
为一个不值得坚持与奋斗的人喝彩。原来曾经拥有的只是幻觉。
他看着河流，远处有人说会爱他百万年。原来长江也是孤独的。
The sky is falling
Greedy man could just lose everything in the end…
But I am sure that it is perfectly normal for a desire to see your other half more often. I do not know why it is so difficult for me; others can never be as pathetic.
Throughout my life of negligence and failure, I always do things half-heartedly. When time sees a perseverance turnover, a hard breaking seems to subdue all my hopes. I really think we can create a history despite the doubts, the criticism and the mocking from others, for what matters most is the hearts, but not when the barrier seems so unbreakable.
We get really accommodated to each other’s lifestyle everyday and even though she has been putting extra weariness on me somehow unnecessary, the sight of her never fails to keep me rejoiced and contented. We are both still learning the way of life and she has greatly impacted improvement on my tolerance and judgement.
There has been no one who can treat me better. She prioritises me above most things and takes every of my word seriously.
I hate myself for I cannot lie and it has been so crucial at times when I start to stumble. Sadness causes the sleepiness in me. I await the ultimate crash for I am not giving up.
The sky is falling.
Kungfu Hustle – The SAF Signals Way
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fAb7syHHmY
Contributed by James Tan.
(It might be locked now)
Two pieces of paper
[Tuesday, 18 July, 2006]
Yuqing sent me to Buona Vista instead of Choa Chu Kang MRT station this time. The traffic was not as smooth as expected and in front of the MOE building where we had to make a U-turn, vehicles were jamming up.
As the estimated time began to drift away, my frustration evolved once again. Passers-by were blocking the way, walking the drunkard way though they seemed to be in rush as well.
I was never as irritated until I reached the escalators, where couples and groups of people were modelling together despite the anxiety and tired faces all over the places. There people who blocked the escalators were so inconsiderate and if I were to act like them unconsciously, I would probably be very embarrassed and guilty.
I hated crowded train. Of a time when I had to even carry a bulky item on hand, I detested the feeling. After squeezing through the journey, I paced up in my weary legs to the bus-stop.
Bus 124 came first but it was so crowded that I decided to take bus 143 behind. Unfortunately, inconsiderate people did not move in and the bus could not get going.
So, I was late for about ten minutes. Climbing up the stars was exhausting that I almost would not lift up my legs. Then, I waited at the lobby like a fool for her to pick up her phone since her mum was at home.
After so many missed calls, I finally got to contact her again, passed by her front door in the hope that it was not obvious. She stood by her windows so beautifully and I pathetically passed her the two pieces of song lyrics through her windows.
It was a bonus to get to see her again but I had to leave immediately.
The freaky old hooligan
[Tuesday, 18 July, 2006]
For the sake of my last AVA duty, I did not attend HLS run. It could be a slacking morning but I could not doze off.
Soon, the troublesome Tan came again and expected me to go up to the classroom and find his lesson’s slides inside the computer. Even though every instructor was doing the simple task themselves since everything was organised properly inside the server and that I was not even an instructor to know what he needed, I followed him up as a friend and since I did not want to create problems. In fact, if everyone was to demand this, we would be dead meat.
Anyway I only managed to find his slides after he showed me the title on the printed copy; I got totally nothing to do with the organisation of the slides. Since he was always suggesting things and sounded so advance, I was puzzled why he did not even know how to use the “Search” feature.
The worst thing came soon after. Hooligan Lim came in to the office and demanded for ten laptops, claiming that 007 had given approval. There was no instruction from 007 and we could not find him or Quek. There were other things that he insisted on and he made me go up with him to see his little nest; the room where we moved the ultra-heavy VSAT equipments to. Everything inside the room reminded me of how much hard work we had placed in, including the usage of the PES E (excused) guys.
I knew I had to continue to face this dark world. He asked for many more things like changing of all the thirty plus chairs and even for large tables. He wanted us to sweep the floor as well. He basically showed no respect to anyone of us in return for my friendliness. He kept accusing us that we did not set up the room until he had to come over to do it himself and he did not want to believe that we had done everything being instructed to do and whatever our superiors had not done was none of our business. Sadly to recognise the fact that each requirement was already accomplished by the good leadership of Quek, he was showing his true boar self.
Anyway, in order to drench his thirst of getting a bigger room, he forced open a nearby exam room which was used to store expensive equipments. I did know which careless guy did not ledge the door properly the last time it was accessed, but this hooligan complained to our branch head directly despite the fact of the break in crime he had done.
In fact, I used to respect him for his knowledge, and nothing else. During my ROC trip, he was the person who created most problems for everyone as well and that all officers did not want to get near him except for Ang who had to sacrifice himself. This hooligan loved more than anyone else to find troubles; none of the silly regulars dared to annoy him, not even cared about him smoking a smoke pipe all over the places.
Since Quek would certainly fulfil all his desires, I knew we had to do it anyway and of course not go against this hooligan. We shifted the furniture as instructed, having to “destroy” the two lecture rooms near it. The good thing was that this old hooligan took off his shirt to do it together with us. However, he did not stop firing accusation at us like as if we owed him everything.
It was not the end of everything after the moving and sweeping chores, for he complained about the missing screws of the tables and demanded cloth to wipe them. Although we had given him around four power extension bars, he demanded another two. It was a laughing stock that the organisation did not provide the equipments for us and yet required us to provide the shit to other mother-farkers.
I hurt my back once again. It was an excellent decision that I did not sign on so that I needed not face such people for long.
Eighty-eight
[Sunday, 16 July, 2006]
The bunch at Chin Swee Road was a special experience for me as I did not join my family to dine in a restaurant the previous time. This time we went to a restaurant at the level seven, entering by the kitchen. It did not look high class at all even at the front door.
It was not and never my idea to walk so long and then having to spend so much time to wait for our turn. I wanted to ask them to go elsewhere to eat while we were behind the queue but it would definitely defeat the purpose of the trip.
People were complaining about the time taken and that they actually allowed customers at the back of the queue to go first even though the group was larger in size. So, even the tables and chairs were similar and they had many spares ones, they sat customers in by the exact numbers of chairs by each table, which the number varied.
I lost track of the time we waited. Until we were led to the table the cleaner was clearing it. It was after some time when nobody attended to us in front of the ugly table; we grabbed one of the table cloths by the side and dressed up the table ourselves.
Soon, the higher rank guy came to make special order but we only wanted to eat dim sum but still ordered two bowls of egg porridge which we could not even get to smell it. Following were the aunties pushing trolleys around to advertise for their food. We grabbed ten over plates of them and the tastes were not really to my likings.
When all stomachs were almost filled, we waited for lobsters to end our day but despite dispatching my two brothers to comb the whole place, we could not find any aunty push our desire anywhere, except for dessert.
As we collected the bill receipt of eighty eight dollars, I saw the GST and service charge, amazed that we had to pay service charge for nothing except the smiles of only a few of the aunties.
I guessed I was not the type who knew how to enjoy good food, or maybe the food was not that fantastic after all. It was just a waste of money for the day even though my elder brother was the one footing the bill; he could have spent the money to buy tonic for my mum.
Thanks guys
Thanks friends for bearing with my messy layout, my lousy English with many spelling or grammatical mistakes, and last but listed, my sometimes-naiveness-and-ignorant entries.
Thanks friends for messaging me to chat in MSN. I used to have many buddies to bother me but I was, and am, very harsh and direct in my journals, and that I could not keep up with my work to conduct the proper mood to chat. Since I do not spare enough time for them, they be the same.
Thanks Ah Boon for understanding me when I was not feeling well.
Thanks guys for all the visits to infiltrate into my weird and isolated mind; thanks for all the recent posts, comments and craps from Yuqing, Kwang Han, Sem Chi, Siu Hang, Da Zhang, Mingfa, Ah Boon and Ganz. Also thanks to my lovely Vivi.
Thanks for all the quiet possible visits from Irwin, Mingli, John, Joreen, Eunice Koh, Gilbert and many others who I cannot find out. Please drop a message occasionally for at least I can feel the spirit of friendship surrounding me.
But for all you have to know, I will still continue to type freely as from my mind, without being biased or specially praising you just because you are here. I will just treat it that I am talking to or in my dream.
I have been living in a world of my own and that often I think differently from others; I really hope I can explore more minds and also receive feedbacks to improve myself. I would prefer you to enlighten me when I am being selfish or naïve, or being negative in any aspect, but please be more compassionate for I spend much more effort than anyone else to perfect my world.
To clap and to slap
[Monday, July 17, 2006]
From then on I start to lose my track. People say perseverance can lead to success but I see to no end. It is such a shame that I do not even know if I am working towards the correct direction.
The second time I am feeling so lost over the past three months, giddiness and headaches strike me once again. A confusion of loneliness and happiness ground me to bed like a helpless child.
It takes two hands to clap and just one hand to slap. If it is worthy of your determination, hang on till daylight; otherwise, push me down the hill before I have a greater fall.
Fell back
[Saturday, 15 July, 2006]
Over the past few days, I had been updating and revamping my website constantly; finally I was back to like in the past except that there were more distractions. Due to sleeping late, I could not wake up in time for my haircut appointment, but luckily there was still slot available.
This day when I was all out to increase efficiency by giving up the movie outing organised by my campmates, I received a call from Bianhong. As usual, he did not inform me earlier about his beach outing but since he had asked me out so many times despite I could not make it, I decided to meet up with him.
After I left my house, I felt a sudden weariness instigating that it was a wrong decision. Just fifteen minutes before the meeting time, he messaged me and I questioned if he would be late. His reply was “Nope”. So, I kept up with my usual fast pace instead of slowing down so that I would not be late.
My timing was great except for the congestion at the control station and followed by the card reading error, which delayed me for a few minutes. Upon arrival at the bus interchange, I thought he had reached already since he had confidently told me he would not be late; however, there was no sight of him.
I called him, assuming he was eating somewhere at the food centre, and he told me he was on his bike and would require another fifteen minutes to reach the place. It was a great turn off for he could have honestly informed me twenty minutes ago and he was not even taking the public transport.
Twenty-five minutes later, I quitted waiting there alone like a fool and left home. Ten minutes after that when he was late for forty minutes, he finally called me but I switched off my phone to avoid pestering. I could not believe it that he told me he could reach in about fifteen minutes when he actually required nearly an hour’s time.
HLS cancelled for good
[Friday, 14 July, 2006]
As fatigue caught me in the early morning, I dozed off in my heavy-duty eyes.
Not a usual practice anymore, my mum woke me up and I came to conscious that it was a Friday and I was running late. It was weird actually for my mum did not know I had to leave house earlier for both Tuesday and Friday and yet she woke me up so early.
This morning when I did not even brush my teeth, it was not worth it after all as the rain poured gracefully down over each amazed face. We had just finished our warm-up for HLS in the drizzling when morons kept claiming it was just a passing cloud. I quite admired the rain as it got heavier only over a stretch of time, giving us sufficient warning that we had to call the day off. We were soaking in the down-pouring shower for a few minutes, ready to set off in the slippery ground, until the organisers gave up.
Luckily for me it was cancelled for I did not bring extra underwear and that I had physiotherapy appointment in the afternoon; it saved me from getting rashes and overexerting myself.
Gym during the physiotherapy session was something different; the exercises for my legs were removed and that I had only less than twenty items to do. So, I was able to concentrate more on each exercise, taking up more time for them.
I hesitated to go home straight away but the state of weariness swept me home. Soon after bathing, she called when I was intending to do some packing to house my five pairs of shoes. So, I was given time to rest and stare at the screen again while chatting with her. With some disappointments that she wanted to chat online with her many friends, I waited on before leaving my house.
Back to the same old bus-stop where we usually met up, the distance somehow seemed longer in my tiredness. It was the mystery why I did not want to go home straight after I was done with my physiotherapy; I could have alighted there straight from train instead of going home and then pacing there again for around ten minutes. At least it was comforting to ensure her safety when I was around.