Dear Dreams – Page 247

A day's break

Finally, I decided to take a break from camp.

I don’t want to be so stupid and continue to go back when I’m sick, when others are kind of buying MC so often. When you fall sick, they won’t care for your health; when you get worse, they start to suspect your illness; when you get injured for them, they try to be sarcastic to you, take away your privilege and continue to make you work.

A great man shouldn’t be too calculative, but when things get overboard, it’s time to take more careful thought; besides, I’m not one. If you’re a workaholic, choose a competent and kind boss; if you can’t choose your boss, change your work attitude.

I went to the polyclinic before 8am and it was already quite crowded. I told the doctor I’d giddy, eyes and nose irritation and a bit of breathing difficulty. He looked into my mouth and then listened to my breathing on my back. I was quite impressed when he asked if I’d sore throat and cough because he got them right when I didn’t spell them out to him. However, I wasn’t pleased that he didn’t really pay lots of attention to my eyes even though I pointed out that I’d gone there before and it hadn’t recovered.

I was just given a day of MC, which I could at least get two days at a private clinic. Months ago when I visited the Singapore General Hospital for this eyes problem, I was given three days MC. Then, I realised he’d prescribed me with flu tablets. Even though it was the rainy season and people were probed to flu, but my nose problem aroused since long ago and I couldn’t have flu for so many months right?

There’re too many factors that make me disappointed about doctors in polyclinics nowadays. I don’t feel like talking to them anymore as they always seem to be too harsh when it comes to deducing the illness when there’s a long queue. I always make it a point to leave the room in five minutes. If not for the subsidize, I’d have a better consultation at a private clinic.

Life goes on

I drove with my class 3 and 4 license today even though I shouldn’t be, it was quite fun.

This was a good day compared to the previous days, just that I was very busy again. But I must say I really asked for troubles myself to pick up little shit, too insignificant for others to see. Then, whenever I tried to take some rest, there were more things to do.

Though I couldn’t change the expression, I was feeling better already. Yuqing did a good job by talking about some interesting topics with me. However, it was impossible to control my voice when people asked and I started to redress my grieve in front of them.

Life still goes on, but some impacts will never be removed.

Time to begin updating

I hadn’t been doing my website throughout the night until daylight and it was a good experience once again. Though I was distracted by some things like the television, Myspace and also the search of my songs, progress was slow.

I spent the whole day doing things related to my website. I managed to get some nice midi files but most of them were too soft. An achievement was that I managed to get WMA format of the two songs I was looking for – Daniel Chan’s Ban Ruo Bo Luo Mi and Su You Peng’s Ai Qing Gao Su Wo.

The day was lonely but at least I managed to start cracking again, especially on my website. Irwin had upgraded his webhost plan and therefore I was planning to put back the old gallery of the photos taken years back like around 2001 to 2003; after which, I’d be adding albums from year 2003 onwards. It’d be a terribly long project but it’d be so good to look at and recap about the past.

Just now, Chua had called me again regarding the photos taken at Rehan’s house. Another nearly ten minutes of phone bill was wasted; it was damn difficult to communicate with him and at the end it didn’t work. Since he was a very simple and nice guy and I didn’t mind all the efforts.

Hours later, the torment would begin again in camp where the unhappiness fills the mind. I hate stepping in.

Infringement of privacy

Isn’t it ridiculous to go to people’s house just to use the computer until hours after midnight? Can you spare a thought for the whole family and not behave like you’re the king or whoever shit?

I hate people looking at my unfinished work, be it an essay or poetry, but that’s not all – especially when people starts using my computer. There, my messenger is logged in, my email account idles, my text files are opened and definitely more things are left around, it’s infringement of privacy. I’m forced to set password to my computer.

I need a room of my own and I’ll lock it to myself.

When you can't bear responsibility for your own life

How many setbacks must a man suffer before he can succeed?

If you can’t bring back time and there isn’t anymore chance, will you able to pick yourself up again? How do you conquer your defeat and prove yourself once again then?

To each his own; this world is cruel. How many men will want to save themselves before they can offer a little help to you? You can’t blame them, because this world is disgusting, so awful, so sickening.

The thorn in my heart piercing me over and over, at this very despairing day, makes me realise the limitation in myself. My drives, confidence and enthusiasm can no longer sustain the depression in my most horrible life, leading to explosion.

How sad it is when you can’t bear responsibility for your own life.

Await the most crucial day

Because it had been raining for the past few days, there wasn’t really any plan of activity.

It was cooling at home, except that nothing worthwhile was done. My younger brother had distracted me a lot with his Maplestory game. It was quite boring killing the same creatures at first but soon it became interesting when level increased and the damage dealt was higher. Soon, I started to help him play.

The days weren’t as peaceful as I’d sounded earlier on; in fact, I was very nervous now as the time came by. I’d received a call from Clement about two hours ago and I found him weird to ask him whether I was still interested in taking part in the tournament; of course I wanted and I really needed to play else I’d definitely suffer from a breakdown.

The first match is tomorrow and I’ve to reach by 1230h. There’re too many problems I’m going to face: firstly the persuasion with the physiotherapist to write me a memo to certify I’m fit enough to take part; secondly, the fight against time to go back camp for approval to reach Mandai camp before the match; thirdly, sarcastic comments from the superiors.

That’s when everything turns out fine; I’ve to play with my lack of training, with the team of people who haven’t played together in a 6-men game. I’ve to be so determinate for my physical body hasn’t recovered fully and that’s I’m not as flexible as in the past. The last factor is my confident, which I hope upon seeing Weitat and Tze Khit will raise it.

Monday – the most crucial day of all, I’ve to give in my best shot.

The day I woke up late

I managed to not wake up before noon finally on a Saturday. Congratulate me.

I must thank my family, especially my mum who didn’t call home in the morning. Next, was of course the aunties who didn’t make nuisance calls like the usual weekends morning. I was also lucky that my phone was resting as well.

It was quite a horrible start of the day to realise my computer was restarted. I’d so many documents and programs left opened before sleeping. Luckily, all my work was saved.

I felt sleepy because I slept very late despite of waking up late. My mum brought my lunch home after an hour, which was a box of rice with fish cutlets, two slices of cucumber and a piece of ginger. The big portion of cutlets kept my mouth busy and eventually I got sleepy.

Chatting with Irwin gave me greater drives but soon, my inspiration worn off and I began to stone. Another Saturday afternoon was wasted. I made trips to the rooms and had a few minutes of nap occasionally until I remembered to search for a song – Ban Ruo Duo Luo Mi (般若多罗米) by Daniel Chan. This was the greatest failure so far; I downloaded some files which was the Buddhism’s chanting and I couldn’t even find a WMA version of the song.

It was the opening of the pasar malam in Chinatown for the Chinese New Year and my mum wanted me to accompany her alone there as my elder brother was in Malaysia while the latter one was working. From the news, I heard it was grander than ever with more stalls, but the crowd hesitated me. What was worse was to go with my mum alone when I didn’t feel like talking and she’d definitely be telling me more stories on the way, from whichever auntie giving birth to the water treatment machine selling ass didn’t want to fix up the one he sold us. The pushing crowd would definitely give her more annoyance and I’d to face even more music.

It was my duty to accompany my mum of course, but certainly not when I wasn’t in the mood. Perhaps, I really needed to learn to love talking soon before sinking into a lonelier life. There was too much of a change over these years, unfortunately not for the better.

It was a peaceful night alone at home. Since my brain had decided to go on strike, I made a point to continue with what was halfway done – the romance of the three kingdoms series three game. So, I unified China once again.

Another chance – a greater progress

I was so tired that I dozed off soon after getting home. Work was hectic in camp today, but maybe it was just for me.

There was too much initiative that body almost couldn’t take it. I couldn’t stand things going wrong or left undone. At least there was someone working hard too, so I wasn’t bothered a lot by those sleeping slackers.

Nothing was great enough for my smile ever since my volleyball journey faced the big problem. However, Captain Phua’s call was enlightenment. This busy man who didn’t even have time to take part in this tournament, had to withdraw from the team due to commitment, was forking out so much time for me.

I could be the most honoured person in camp. Though luck was never with me, I was in fact quite fortunate to have friends giving me advices all these years. Nevertheless I didn’t like owing people favour or creating problems or inconvenience for them.

I realised I’d spoken up more this day, perhaps, could be this new hope that had immersed. A day ago I thought it’d be too late to re-schedule an earlier appointment with the MMI physiotherapist but somehow I managed to get the first day she was back from her two weeks overseas leave.

This chance I’ve to grab, to talk round her into lending me a helping hand. Miss Archana, I believe she’s not as unprofessional as the MO, possessing more understanding and holiness.

I’m left with this last gasp of breath, till victory I regain my respiration, or maybe, failure, I break down.

Next Monday is the first match, as well as the appointment. This chaos in my mind causes no panic or excitement; I seem numbed.

Give and take – dumb shit

This is my only drive in the army; it’s been keeping me going for more than a year that I’m still staying sane.

Now that I’m trying so hard to fight for my right, but it seems like setting new paths at the dead end. This is a depressive route, yet, I’ve never given up.

What lie after failure are endless degeneration and rebellion; I’d never be the same again. To some people, this is a disaster, but if you think in another way, it’s just being fair to myself that I’m not going to ill-treat myself anymore.

Even if I were able to make it, there’re more challenges ahead. I’ve to push myself beyond limit to counter my strengthless body; I’ve to strain my mind and press myself to recall all the lost skill; I still have to stay focused and resist all the bad factors – lighting, friction etc.

For now, I might be able to play in a few matches; I’ll be called upon when I’m needed in the more crucial ones. This is a way to “protect” me and to allow my ability to help the team out.

At least, this is the best I can have now, though it’s crappy. I don’t know how I’m going to cooperate with them when we haven’t even played a proper game together; and without even the “training” against the weaker teams, I doubt I can release my full potential; who’s going to save the ball when it’s in the middle?

Life’s dumb. There’s too lack of compassion everywhere. Even if you’re doing your best to help others, they might not appreciate; they can never be as nice as you treat them.

Take me away

On the second working day of the year, I’ve already developed phobia in going to camp. The sweeties who I’ll be seeing on the way no longer have the power to ease my hatred.

How cruel it is to do favours for a person who doesn’t wish to help you. To me, it’s the same feeling as someone close has passed away – how sad. I’ve no choice, being a powerless prawn in this disgusting world.

I’m brought down from a confident soldier back to a depressed one, someone who didn’t like to talk. Let my silence be the objection.

Nobody is able to help and this is life, this is life.