Skai Chan
I must be having too much of self fantasy; watching too much of television programmes harms. The birds are not singing for me. I should not have taken off my spectacle. Now then I notice the bridge is shaking; I never realise the beggars do not give a damn after I drop the coins.
I try to push the heavy cart for the old lady, but to understand that I am a weakling. So, I leave embarrassingly with my feet sore and my injuries worsen.
I never know how to please people.
There is a limit to things which I can do, though too little is not able to even cause a little shake; that is me.
I do not know how to bring fortune to others.
People around me are not happy.
I will care only for myself.
I am not good.
Have you ever thought over that you can see a person almost everyday but not others?
Is it fair that others can get a chance too?
Who do you think you are and do you think you can sacrifice as much as others for her?
Are you the one who is going to spending the rest of your life with her?
If you are not as cruelty blessed with no suitor like now, are you going to demand more from the person when you cannot even spare your own time for your lover?
So, do you still think things are unfair for you?
Some senseless comments from brainless people often cause hurt. I guess it would take at least ten years to attain maturity.
It is never effortless to be with someone who is extremely appealing to the opposite sex. You can never change the fact that guys are always trying hard to get near her; with tonnes of reasons that you can never expect.
Is jealousy a form of lack of trust?
Is it the trust of the devoted soul, the trust of man natural or the trust that she is capable enough to handle everything?
Somehow, the evil of this world is wielding pressure on all the concern minds; at times, when you care too much, you will tend to be oversensitive as well.
If you do not care, will you be in a strenuous state of mind? But if you do not care, is it called love?
[Sunday, 04 June, 2006]
For the second night I felt giddy.
I tried to pace up on my work, clearing and packing up my disk space, checking the scattered URLs inside my draft text file and put the useful ones into my website. I managed to edit and upload photos into my previous entries. But things got jammed up when emotion filled my mind in the afternoon.
She was free for the whole day but was grounded. It was partly my fault that I did not make good use of the chances to chat with her parents to make them know me better; perhaps, that might aid in giving them more secure about their daughter going into a relationship.
I have not composed a poem for long. Inspiration always befriends only when I feel low and lost.
My work area is in disastrous state again. I need more time and a little rest to brush things up.
[Sunday, 04 June, 2006]
I am quite sure Peh was joking just now in MSN, but I need to clarify about things.
I have stopped organising outings a long time ago, before falling for her; it starts with my serious cough, nose irritation and injured finger numerous months ago. Camp’s life has been hectic sometimes as well and that I have my own stuffs to do, thus not free to do anything at night. There are also various groups of friends which I am very keen to get together with, but there are just too many of them, thus I become indecisive each time. The main reason, however, is the lack of commitment from friends.
How many of you guys are not involved with more than a group of friends? Are you certain that you will be free for more than half of the times I ask you out? I have done it so many times and things do not work out in the end to waste my efforts.
Everytime in a group outing, there are bounced to be latecomers and most of the time it will stretch to more than an hour of waiting, up to three hours as well. Why is it that you want considerate people to wait there aimlessly for you while you have your own comfortable rest at home?
There are many activities people do not want to be involved in; some hate the sun, some hate the distant and some like me (but I do sacrifice at times), cannot bear heavy cost.
I have been very disappointed with these issues.
Why me then? Why cannot you organise events? Is it fair for me to be the one who always take up all the troubles and time, and even bringing down of my pride to persuade people to join in the fun?
I have been trying hard to meet up with every friend. I know I have to do something still but injuries, fatigue and disappointments are picking on me. The next outing I have to organise is for my ex NP classmates for the promise to David Francis, my ex mentor. It would be done before October undoubtedly.
It is not for my Vivi that I am not free to go out at all; I am staying at home most of the days doing my usual stuffs. True enough, there is restriction to the date which I can afford to spend with friends due to her; I always put her in first thought before deciding whether I can be free. I have to; she is the one I am going to spend with for the rest of my life and that we have not cured the disease to the urge to see each other often, and most of all we are facing serious difficulties to meet each other.
I missed a Pot Luck session with my ex GESS team-mates and juniors recently because both Vivi and I were almost in a state of depression when things cocked up that we really needed to accompany each other. Partly, I was sure my presence would not make a big difference since somehow I was the last to be informed of events sometimes and that my ex team-mates who had been with me for about ten years would understand my situation.
I do not mind, and would be extremely happy, to bring her along during outings; I do not mind being teased. Both of us want to get involved in each other’s circles of friends but she is too tight on her time due to some problems and commitments that we cannot even hang out long together; I cannot probably organise an outing and leave the group just after one or two hours.
As for a volleyball session at Unity Secondary on one Sunday, I did not go because I had promised Fatty Si to the Zoo outing before I was informed of it; that was a pierce due to my craving for volleyball. Followed by the meeting up with my ex NP friends, I did not hesitate to say yes though I was late. Anqi asked me to organise a beach outing but I rejected it because I was terribly tired of it but would definitely be free if someone else were to organise it. As for the gathering suggested by Kailin a few days ago and the volleyball game at BMCC today proposed by Tze Khit, I was extremely delighted to agree immediately but they were cancelled because many people were not free.
Please give in deeper thoughts because you start to make any accusation though I have been spouting nonsense to try to irritate my friends; I do not mind jokes but I really hope none of my friends would misunderstand me.
I would undoubtedly appreciate for the understanding from my friends and would definitely try my best to do anything I can, because every friend is seeded a place in my heart after the years of struggling together. It is just that I have found the person who is most worthy of my sacrifice for and that I have to start planning for my future career.
[Saturday, 03 June, 2006]
I woke up around noon and was glad I could get more sleep this time. However, I did not make my day as efficient as planned.
Photo editing was slow and there was restrictions like unable to transfer photos between the XD card and my computer, because the card reader was inside the room where my elder brother and his girlfriend were in. As usual, I did not want to get into their way by entering.
Then, my younger brother came back from Tekong and refused to go to bath. He told me he was hungry but he could at least spare a thought for me when he was sitting in between me and the fan, which the air blew the stinks from his uniform towards me; he could at least take it off first.
Apart from these, I was too fussy about my own work; perfection seeking was somehow a negative attribute for me because of the limitation of my own capability.
[Wednesday, 31 May, 2006]
I could have withheld myself and not showing my despair; I should have spoken up even though my heart was aching so badly and was totally speechless.
It was not any of our faults but the cruelty of life. Perhaps, I should not have pinned so high hope once again. Besides, it was not the only day left for her to accompany me and that sentimental love birds deeply in love would never leave each other alone.
We are so deeply in love and both cannot do without one another; we cannot even do with without seeing each other for a day.
I never want to make her cry again.
[Friday, 02 June, 2006]
It was another disappointing day at the polyclinic.
Sally Ho was not around when I thought she could be kind enough to solve my problems. I was assigned to another doctor then, Dr. Foo something, which I found the name very familiar.
I was the first patient and this slacker started “operating” later than other rooms’ doctors.
I told him of my problems, from the flu, cough, sore throat, eyes and nose irritating and the lump on my left calf, but there was too little things he could do than to indirectly hurrying me out of the room; probably he did not want to lengthen the queue.
I would greatly appreciate a doctor who would probe me more about the problems but he just did not seem interested. He asked me to go back a month later for the lump on my left calf, which I had told him it was there for very long already and recently giving me more pains. He simply examined it for a few seconds.
There was a little difficulty in breathing and I told him I was not sure if it was the nose irritation or cough causing it and he told me I had to go A&E (Accident and Emergency) department to check up in case of dengue fever. He had already taken my temperature before that and he gave me an impressive he was trying to play a fool on me.
Knowing that the medicine he was going to give me would cause extreme drowsiness on me, he did not even offer an MC until I asked for it, and which he almost tore it when he wanted me to go to the hospital.
Realising about his attitude, I did not tell him another swelling problem at the top of my left thigh. In future, I would request not to be attended by him then.
When I went to collect my medicine, I realised there were only cough syrup, flu pill, lozenges and another type of medicine to start running nose; there was no eyes drop or the nostril spray.
[Thursday, 01 June, 2006]
Finally it was over; an unrest being resolved.
I seemed like a prisoner being released from the theatrette, yearning so much for my carefree life. It was worse than jail, freezing and tiring.
It was not so bad after all as I got to make new friends, just wondering if they would still remember me ever since the event was over and thus need no more help from me.
The final day of the Signal Workplan seminar, there were more jokes than ever. Even though the rehearsal in the early morning was delayed by inconsiderate people and things got so screwed up again, all of us did not lose our calm.
*Lagging of display during switching of input, which was disastrous*
A to Radio: It’s the switch’s fault. Don’t worry we’re fixing it. (Laugh)
*Did nothing except to retry the same thing*
Lunch was a quick one at Lot 1’s McDonald’s. Yuqing drove me out and gave me a treat, most probably because he was in a very good mood. It was such a pity that we could not take our own sweet time to enjoy the food.
A to Radio: Tell me when Chief is on level two.
B to A: Need to tell when he’s going to toilet?
A to B: Tell me which cubicle he goes to.
Weirdly, everything turned out alright during the actual show. It was the celebration of everyone’s efforts that called the success.
During the pack up, I saw the responsibility of Yuqing, wanting to fix everything back when we were both exhausted right after the event. I was quite touched at the same time as he tried to carry most of the heavy stuffs as he was concerned about my back injury.