There are too much wounds within me; being drained to the last drop of sweat, I never have enough rest. My brain no longer functions well anymore and that my most impressive inspiration has ditched me, drawing thick paint across a boundary of insanity from me. My eyelids are caressing each other, alluring the retreat to my mattress; but my legs are refusing to move; I am paralysed. I am not able to take craps anymore, blowing out each time inconsiderate people adds burden to my workload. I curse, I swear and I am doing things to vent my angers on. You never know I am so tired until you see me doze off each night at any place.
One year later…
[Monday, 15 May, 2006]
It was probably the last visit to the Orthopaedic Surgery at SGH.
Waiting time was around fifty minutes and compared with the previous times, it was real fast. There were many patients and I thought I had to wait for at least two hours. Anyway, I dozed off as usual and was shocked to see my number suddenly; I did not know how long they waited for me.
The specialist looked young. I thought he could do something to help me but he explained he was helpless with my condition. I asked him to write a letter to recommend me for downgrade and he said he would write everything truthfully but could not guarantee it. I reminded him of my knee problems and he promised he would indicate them as well. Then, he asked me to go back a year later.
This screwed up hypocrite did not keep his promise and he was certainly not an upright doctor, as if I had stolen his girlfriend. I opened the “recommend downgrade” letter for the MO as I was leaving the hospital to realise that he had only include my MRI report, which I already had, not stating the knee injuries like Osgood Schlatter disease and another problem which I did not know the name that was rubbing the knee caps. Anyway, he only suggested light duty for me and never mentioned anything about downgrading.
I swear I would never name my future son “Darren”; whatever “Lim”, whatever “Song” and whatever “Cheng” sound so disgusting. Why go to the doctor since they cannot cure nor help you?
One year later I would be out of army already and how do I get the money to see specialists?
My mum’s high fever
It was really difficult for me to communicate with my mum.
She assumed she was strong at her age, with some long term medication somemore, told my younger brother she was not afraid of being infected by his cough. Somehow, she managed to get her lesson when she got the cough and sore throat, most probably because of being too near to my younger brother when he was back from Tekong.
We went for dinner together to celebrate Mothers’ Day. This time, Vivi joined us and I was glad that she was making progress to blend in together with my family. It was the usual seafood stall at the coffee shop though we had a few different dishes this time. My mum as usual, tried to empty all the plates. She took the remaining oily gravy of the herbal chicken despite our opposing; she mixed the rest of the mayonise sauce (she rarely took it) with some remaining vegetable to make “salad” and finished the whole of it despite our warning.
Her cough worsened at night and she seemed so weak; we thought nothing was wrong at first. Temperature measured for her was at around 37.1 degree Celsius. It was after I got home, she started vomiting and her temperature rose to 39 plus. In fact, the thermometer always gave a lighter rating.
We managed to persuade her to go to the hospital only after midnight. Luckily it was a fast one as we were sent to another side of the A&E (Accident and Emergency) department. Her temperature taken at the door was 39.9 degree Celsius. After waiting for a while, my mum felt better by then and the doctor found nothing much serious about her; however, he advised her to go to the specialist to check out for her gastric problem.
Actually, I realised how difficult it was for Dr Colin to communicate with my mum. There were numerous times he asked her questions but she kept giving other totally irrelevant answers. It was not for her high fever that was causing the confusion but her usual self.
She was given a number of medicines for cough, sore throat, vomit, fever and gastric pain. My heart ached when I saw the medicines as I had them at home for free except for the different type of panadols and lozenges. My elder brother paid more than $80 for everything including the two trips of cab fares. We got home at one plus in the morning.
In the afternoon, I gave my brother $50 to bear half of the cost and he was smiling happily; he never expected me to share it since he was always paying for things and I knew it was not very fair to him. However, I was not sure if I was doing the right thing since he was someone who would spend every cent away each month while I was the opposite. And also, he was the culprit for half of the high electricity bill for switching on the air-conditioner everyday even during afternoon. Very likely, he would not have taken the money from me if he did not have a girlfriend now.
Home from hospital
[Monday, 15 May, 2006]
I just get home from hospital because my mum runs a high fever.
There are still many things to do, like uploading of the photos taken at Zoo and follows on, the deleting of “spoilt” photos and renaming of them, and lastly to send Peisi those with her inside.
There are also many journal entries to be written before pieces of memory fades away again. The urge to write about how fortunate I am is pressing me on as well; Vivi has too many virtues that are infatuating my mind, putting the smiles on my face.
There are also more immediate tasks to be completed – folding of my smart four and packing of my bag.
I am exhausted.
Auntie-killer
[Saturday, 13 May, 2006]
In evening, when I was taking the lift down to set off to Vivi’s house, an auntie from 8th or 12th storey boarded the lift. I was quite embarrassed to occupy half the small lift with my bicycle and we exchanged smiles.
Suddenly, she started asking, “You’re the whose son right?”
“Yea.. 16th storey one.”
“You’re the youngest son right?”
“No no, I’m the middle one.”
“Really ah? You look like the youngest one.”
Then, I started to report our job statuses and at the same time she kept praising my brothers and I like as if we could win the manhunt champion. She kept insisting until I became more embarrassed.
She was not the first neighbour singing so big praise to me because many aunties tried that as well. However, I would rather young girls to do that instead of all the aunties; thus, I supposed they were just being kind since no young girl thought alike.
A caring brother
Actually, my elder brother is very sweet to me.
He cooked extra spaghetti for me other than just feeding his girlfriend. He adjusted the fan to point upwards so that I would not be sweating after the air conditioner was switched off in the morning when I was sleeping on top of the double-decker bed.
Most of the time when we are out, he would do the paying. He buys insurance for me and currently still forking out money each month for me.
He can really be so caring at times.
Getaway
There is this urge too enormous to own my own house. I love my own freedom, to do things at my own pace and own time. Things are really restricted now and I feel jailed sometimes.
I love my own privacy to type my own stuffs with countless draft work, each with small improvement until satisfactory is made and I cannot stand people gaze at my incomplete work; I really need a personal working space, where not an ultra big fish tank disgustingly located, where junks were not underneath and the height was comfortable enough.
I have this ultra allergy nose that doctors claim has been affecting my eyes; I should not stay in a place that looks like junks with things thrown everywhere. Every disorderly spoils my creativity and inspiration.
I want to pack my cupboards to organise things properly but whenever I can fork out time or have the urge or energy to do it, the couple occupy the room and my self conscience tells me not to disturb.
I need a cosy sleeping area, at least a clean mattress that I can rest my injured back on; for so much time each person has to spend on sleeping, I am lying on a single size mattress that one fifth of it has to be folded in order to fill the small area besides the bed, that legs always rubbed on. I have a mum who keeps ignoring the fact that I want to change the wrapping cloth of the mattress.
Imagine you stay in a house with only two rooms. Your elder brother takes the first room with his girlfriend and your younger brother’s friends come in big group at ten plus at night, take the second room and start to create chaos with the monopoly game. Your clothes are inside the first room but you cannot go in since you do not know what they are doing inside nor you want to disturb them and you have not even bathed. You cannot go into the second room to rest when you are sick and on medicine which cause drowsiness with the party going on. The crowd even includes one auntie who is as old as your mum.
Do you think it is stupid to go to your friend’s house to make merry at late hour inside his parent’s room where his sibling shares it as well? If your friend has a big house, or at least has his own room then it is fine and go ahead and fuck around and have orgasm there.
Last night, I almost had to lay a small cloth to sleep in the ultimately messy living room but luckily my elder brother’s girlfriend left home around midnight. I was then able to go in and sleep on top of the double-decker bed.
This night, she is not leaving and until I realise it, I know I should have gone in earlier to retrieve just a piece of my shirt so that I do not need to sleep inside the freezing air conditioned room without clothes on in my flu.
Soon, I really need to move. Be it a small flat or what, at least a place where I need no suffer nor lost of my freedom.
When I am sick
A long weekend being devastated by illness caused the low productivity of work. I slept two days to realise I had not recovered from the flu and cough, of course of a certain improvement with the strong medicine. My voice was much better already.
I missed out quite a number of activities – my physiotherapy session, my jogging session and the swimming outing with Gilbert and Chua. I had been too inactive over the past few days, snuggling on my bed like a sick child – yes I was indeed sick.
I woke up with sanity, but never too clear with my thinking. I did not talk a lot, especially on phone that I still had to use greater force in order to speak up.
I was still so far away from destination of my dreams. The giddiness bestowed by the excess sleep lagged me behind. I wanted to edit some photos and also to update my website, but apart from my self laziness, things were stopping me.
There are still too many achievements to accomplish and friends I have to accompany; there are events and outings. There are times when I feel so lost when everything seems to be overloaded.
I wish upon a speedy recovery.
The way of life
It is either you join in or you suffer alone; the fact of life is so cruel.
Have I conceded to the ugly reality?
Is this what I want to restore my mind from stress to have a refreshing start before I step into the real world?
So, am I willing to give up the reputation I have work so hard throughout the past one year?
I am just doing what everyone else has been doing, so please show mercy in judging.
Suki Sushi
[Friday, 05 May, 2006]
The crazy Spectrum event got the AVA team in a fix again. None would want to stay there to experience the boredom once again and especially for me, when the bitch was around. Some assholes were thinking it was enjoyable to sit there and get ready for any unforeseen shit.
It was a Friday evening and they must be screwed up with their minds to hold a course or informal meeting when everyone wanted to go home to rest and enjoy the weekends. Yuqing and I took shifts and I promised to stay behind to help him pack up since I had the experience of doing it alone.
Out of a sudden, Yuqing asked if I wanted to go for dinner and since I owed him a meal, I was fine with the idea. I got Jonshit to join in and too bad Kwang Han was doing his office duty when Miss Lee needed to stay for very long; we abandoned him.
With a car, transportation was so convenient. First destination was at Yuqing’s house where he got changed. Then, we went to Apple Centre at Borders to collect Jonshit’s Ipod. Dining places were crowded everywhere and finally we got to Suki Sushi at Cineleisure since Jonshit was willing to pay for half of the meal I owed Yuqing.
I was not that crazy for Japanese food and did not really appreciate costly food, but it was good to enjoy them once in a fortnight. One of the waitresses was quite cute in one side of the view and when she wanted to get things from the cupboard underneath my seat, both of us got so awkward. It was such a bad design to keep stores there.
The fried fish looked disgusting to me. They told me it was a female one with eggs inside her body and I could just eat the whole of it up, including the head with eyes. I was floated soon. The whole meal cost around fifty-two bucks.
Suddenly, both Yuqing and I loved that place as we were leaving. I took the lead and saw a girl wearing low cut. I was shocked by that ambience, the best scenery that I had ever seen. She had this nice body that shaped so well that every guy would be mesmerized. I quickly turned to my back and asked Yuqing to turn left and he was stunned as well. I was not sure if Jonshit was taken aback too but the cute waitress walking behind us seemed to have noticed our sights.
That night, Yuqing had a bad reoccurrence at his mind when he met someone on the street. I made him lost at the expressway to drive me to Purmei and I felt guilty throughout the journey.