Dear Dreams – Page 259

Standalone

It started off with a swimming outing which Gilbert had organised. We invited Ivan along but he said it was too far and so I suggested a beach outing at Sentosa, which was near his house and he agreed. We went on for the swim with Gilbert, Jeremy and Tze Siang, which all of them supported the idea of the beach outing.

The scheduled date was two weeks after and I started calling people from my department. Some people (Jianwei, Reuben… etc) agreed spontaneously while some refused to give an answer. Those who had important appointments had declined immediately and I believed they would support the idea if they were available.

I was sure if there were girls going, then most of them wouldn’t hesitate to give me a reply soon. This was one of the most disgusting facts about human. Also, some of them most probably wanted to see who were going before deciding, which meant that if everyone had the same thinking, nobody would eventually go. How selfish and inconsiderate. The dirtiest thought would be agreeing to go if there wasn’t any other available date.

Though a few people had agreed to have the outing, all along it was only me who tried to get people. It wasn’t tough to ask around, but tedious, and it certainly had inflated my phone bill. However, my ideas of getting everyone to enjoy and interact outside working hours to improve relationships drives me on, braving alone the lonely path that I was taking.

I tried hard to get people from other departments. The nicest guys (Sam Toh, James Tan) from IWTC agreed without any delay, while the ORDed personnel Wenhao made my day too. I tried the administration office’s Alex but he wasn’t free. Tech Store’s Andrew was having his birthday party, whereas 2LT Lee and Kelvin weren’t around. I invited Wenjun from IDDS but his guys weren’t free I supposed. I approached Weijian from OSTC but he might have tuition session and since he didn’t reply me on the very day, I didn’t bother him. As for the CDT guys, Kevin and Yiwei were interested in the first week but had a quick change of mind on the second week, which disappointed me a lot, and basically the rest of the guys weren’t sporting at all.

Even though I had confirmed the time and place to meet by the beginning of the second week, some people had repeatedly asked me the same question for more than twice. It just added on to the burden of my phone bill and my sanity when I was already busy with stuffs. I also faced problems with listing out of the people going, that I was asked so many times.

After all shit, the actual day rained to my discomfort. Reuben arrived before me and followed by Wenhao. Next was Gilbert, followed by Jonathan unexpectedly. I called Benjamin and he told me he had messaged Sem that he wasn’t going anymore. Someone had long ago told me that he wouldn’t go but I refused to believe he would break his promise. We proceeded to have lunch while waiting for the rest and Sam arrived soon after we left the MRT station.

Meanwhile I tried to contact the rest. Jeremy was out of reach and Ivan refused to come. Rehan told me he was going to take a shower and would drive down after that. Whereas Tze Siang, I didn’t have his number but I predicted he would “put aeroplane”. As the rain stopped, we went to buy some bottles of mineral water and went to the bus terminal to meet Chua.

I wanted to play somewhere in Sunsetbay but Gilbert wanted somewhere quieter, where we moved on further down in between Sunsetbay and Mahalo. We started with playing frisbee. At first was just throwing around and we started into playing monkey. There was lots of fun with all the interesting people around – Chua dashing like a bull and Gilbert’s child-like screaming. James arrived later, followed by Jianwei. Then, Chua told me that Jeremy wasn’t joining us anymore, then I realised why he hadn’t even asked his female friends on the previous day as he promised. By then, I guessed Rehan had broken his promise also.

There was a sweet girl in black bikini facing the sea, who was reading a book. After staring at her back for very long and sometimes her face when she turned around, I asked Sam to go along to approach her to take a photo. However, Sam thought I was just kidding and didn’t bother about me. As we started playing volleyball, she left with my itchy heart.

It was a good day, with clouds covering the sky and therefore it wasn’t hot at all. I didn’t really want to take my camera out because it seemed gayish to take photos when we had only guys in the group.

Some of them wanted to go for cycling but I decided not since my body was sandy, my bag was heavy, on low budget and that place wasn’t nice to cycle about with so many vehicles. Wenhao, Sam, Jonathan and James left for cycling while the rest of us stayed to continue with the volleyball game. Reuben left soon urgently.

As they returned, Jonathan, Wenhao and James had something on and decided to leave first. It was then I realised time had passed by so fast during the enjoyment. It could be a better day if I didn’t have headache at the back of my head. Sam explained it was due to heat stroke and I guessed so too since my body was lack of water with my illness.

It was very tiring to play with newbie and my injured knees couldn’t take me on to a long level of endurance like in the past anymore. I took a rest and walked to the Sunsetbay tentage to chat with Andies (2 times Andy). Walking around, I failed to see any babe.

The remaining of us, namely Jianwei, Chua, Gilbert and Sam went to Seah Lm food centre for dinner. Though almost all of us ordered the same chicken rice and Jianwei had gotten an extra plate of fried oyster, it seemed like we were feasting. The night was cool and it was nice to hang out with good people.

Gilbert and Jianwei wanted to go for singing at somewhere in Chinatown, Sam and I had agreed to join them, but however, the remaining slot was from 10pm to 1am, which was quite late. I wanted to invite them over to my house after that, so that we needed not worry about the transportation fee, but the messiness and dirtiness hesitated me. Then, we departed at 8.30pm.

It was a good outing after all, even though the supposed small fourteen strength group ended up with only nine of us; at least it made me realise who were the nice, the non-sporting and the bullshitting people. However, it had left a huge impact with disappointment, which severely hesitated me to conduct another cycling outing at the East Coast Park two weeks after.

It wasn’t fun to keep pestering people to go to somewhere to enjoy themselves. It made me look more like a clown when I was trying to do them and others good. Alone, it was difficult to make things happen.

The cough syrup

My mum finally realises that I’ve been coughing and gives me some cough syrup.

As I grow up, I begin to tell her fewer things. I’m learning to be a man to take care of myself and try not to worry her about anything. I go to the polyclinic myself when I’m sick or decide that I should give myself a day off from work. I don’t even go into details of how much pains I’m undergoing daily on my knees and back.

Since I’m more alone now, my mum has stopped nagging at me when I eat heaty or spicy food or any cold stuff from the fridge when I’m coughing. This has eventually added on to my illness each time, which makes them long lasting.

And of course, for normal illness like coughing, I wouldn’t be bothered to visit a doctor since my weekdays are already being plundered by the army, and visiting the camp’s MO is always being treated as “chao keng” (forge illness/injury to slack) and in fact, I’m already a regular customer there due to my injuries. As for Saturdays, they’re too precious to be spent sitting down at the polyclinic for the whole morning.

Can growing up to be independence make up for straying away from parents?

How I wish I can be a child forever.

Who let the dog out?

I encountered the first time being threatened to be charged.

This mad dog striked me when I was still so sleepy. Though my courtesy had gained his unreasonable lost of temper and the unexpected loud barking volume had somehow woke me up from dreamland, I belittled his threat.

I was all prepared for the theatrette event and everything needed were tested out the day before. Though the timetable crashed during the afternoon, Ivan said the 8SIG people had aliased with the doggy and I expected him to demand for another mini theatrette at the very last minute.

Indeed, the mad doggy did a last minute stun. He had sent out invitation to all the visitors without informing the office for booking. Suddenly he called and demanded for the main theatrette. I was fine with it and with our professionalism, it could be set up in a few minutes unless special requirements were stated.

We met him outside the control room’s door and his reaction had taken me unaware. I regretted so badly for my sincere smile and greeting, as for my love for animals especially dogs. I knew I hadn’t done anything incorrectly but still, since army was fucked up, I decided not to argue, but to nod at his barking.

It was bullshit. He didn’t book the theatrette for the morning and no last minute request should be entertained, if not only he was pitied for the invitation already sent and since the slot was empty. Also, it had been a trend for organisers to approach us to state any requirement a day before but Mr Doggy didn’t seem to be bothered with his event.

Yuqing and I managed to set up everything smoothly soon. I took the initiative to ask the presenter if he needed a microphone but he claimed that it wasn’t required. Since Doggy was the person in charge, I enquired him as well but he gave me such attitude and refused to give me a direct proper reply despise my so respectful and courtesy tone.

I supposed Mr mad doggy wanted to lodge a complaint for the “late” opening of the theatrette, which wasn’t in the schedule. I supposed our backfire would screw his balls.

Yuqing told me mad doggy was alone having his lunch, which was too insignificant for me to notice. I couldn’t help thinking he was an abandoned dog because of his attitude.

It just puzzles me why someone would give attitude to others. If it’s a form of winning, then he must be the greatest loser on earth. He loses all the respect and willingness for others to help him.

These few days are chaotic

I doze off each time after I get home and finish my dinner.

I haven’t been feeling well, the cough with phlegm sticks to me for more than a month that I’m feeling weak together with my injuries.

The ulcers play me well too, causing pains whenever I try to produce something legibility from my mouth.

I haven’t been sleeping well; every moment seems stressful to me. Sometimes my brain is still working hard even in the midst of my sleep.

Things always don’t turn out right; humans cause almost all the problems.

I feel so worn off.

When love fails

It has really ended this time and I can’t do anything.

I fail to keep tracks of the number of years they’ve been through. I’m too shocked and reluctant to accept it again.

It’s a normal issue, has been occurring over and over many times, and everytime I know they’ll be back together again. But this time I’ve lost that feeling – the confidence that love can put lovers together.

Everything seems too fragile now, that nothing can last.

In fact, it’s a relief to me, him and her. I’ve no worry that they’d do anything foolish to spike each other again. Their daily quarrel has come to an end after all these years and they’re both released.

Though they’re true towards each other, their mindsets can’t compromise with each other’s. Each time they try to tolerate, their distance lengthens. There’re no point dragging on for a few more years and end up separating in greater torments.

I hope they’ll be fine after all, start afresh and live better.

This strengthens my belief of inevitable events, that efforts and devotion don’t count.

Inevitable

Have you ever got so frustrated when you’ve tried your best but things are beyond your control?

You did your job, unlike others, at the very last minute when everyone has left and you went up to check the room. You were satisfied with everything, and went back to lock up the office, then you received calls. You were told that he had dropped by to return a key when you were doing your job and you now had to wait for him to get changed before coming over. So you spent your next 10 minutes waiting while you saw the last bus approached. The keys were back and you realised someone had signed in since long ago when the keys weren’t back. You dashed to the DO room to return the office keys and the bus stopped, but as usual the DO wasn’t around, that you had to wait and miss the bus. Someone shouted for you and asked you to ignore and bring the keys home. You knew it’s forbidden and you knew it was a ridiculous rule. You had sweated so badly and it was only the second day of the week.

You couldn’t do anything except to waste your phone bill and your transport fee and you just couldn’t do anything to change the fate – your most cursed luck.

The restrictions

I’ve been typing more lately. The television set fails to distract me as often as in the past. The main reason is that my elder brother is busy with his work and no longer spends so much time at home to watch television shows. Partly, it’s because my younger brother has cancelled the SCV subscription.

My mum is always complaining about my brother’s job not able to bring any money home; I think otherwise. Doing insurance job can actually earn a lot if the dealer can speak well; looks is one of the factors too. The salary is accumulative and each deal of $70 monthly insurance equalunt to $420 pf income for the first year. However, with the huge umber of people in the line, it’s a tough fight.

I feel quite sad for my elder brother when the SCV subscription is cancelled. It’s kind of his only form of entertainment to watch soccer matches and this scrap saving might not be a gain in some sense.

Though I can have better concentration now, it isn’t enough to perfect my work.

With my elder brother’s rearrangement of the furniture many months ago, I had to sit on the 2 mattresses to use the computer. Without a back rest, my back injury forces me to lie down every short interval to rest. Since the 2 mattresses were stacked together, there isn’t any hollow space below for me to tuck my legs in to rest.

My brother has tried to solve this problem by buying a chair stuffed with tiny round styrofoam but it doesn’t help much. I put it besides me to lean sideward and it leads to more sleepiness. It has been a habit to fall asleep.

The bar of the double decker bed is restricting my hands from using the keyboard correctly, and with the sideward leaning, I use the “backspace” key more often than any others.

Another supporting bar of the bed on top of the latter one has also prevent me from sitting most upright, such that my view on the monitor won’t be blocked.

It’s somehow a good experience which nobody would ever experience but since I’ve had enough of it, I’m going to do something about it when my back gets better.

Helps that I can offer

It has been years since people have been imaging me as the freest guy on earth with 48 hours usage per day who can help them do all shit.

Sometimes it pisses me off when I’m trying hard to get my work done and someone messages me to ask questions or do something for him. Even when my MSN is in busy mode, I’m not spared.

Most people think that I’m equipped with all computer skill. I should be glad and proud with that but the fact is my knowledge is very shallow and limited. The often help I give to dig answers from internet leaves this wrong impression.

As a result, I’m blessed with this phobia that everytime I receive message from the same people, I’d think of bad omen instantly. It’s not nice this way, but I can’t help it when things repeatedly happen.

Apart from being selfish and inconsiderate, the wrong mind concept is also due to inappreciation of my work. I’ve been typing and editing things for myself; being unable to express myself, I always try in many ways, through articles or poems. Though I’m a weird person, nobody has really tried to understand me.

Without knowing what I’ve been doing, everyone thinks I’m doing nothing everyday. At times, I also sacrifice my time and set aside my stuffs to go out with some people or for volleyball games; this has aided the misunderstanding that I’m being a very free person.

Why is it me that you must seek for when you encounter problems and not when you’re having fun? I’ve been thinking so deeply even over little things, been too forthright and scared some people away.

It’s such a shame to do self-pity, and I’m not going to do that. One solution to solve the problem is to stay out of things by saying no, which so many friends have been hypnotizing me to do so.

As some friends get dejected, having negative thoughts, I can only hope for some who would consider more about my feeling. These two lines – “he’s not helpful” and “he’s not helpful anymore” – serve as different meaning. Hopefully, at least the second one would be used as they can recap what I’ve done for them in the past.

I’m not the only person on earth encountering this problem and I might not be the worst case, but I’m currently undergoing too much stress that I really need to get out of it and straighten out my mind before I can proceed on. At least I need to help myself before I can move on and continue with my life.

As I hate and will feel sad when things go wrong, I’m still helping out whenever I can, I know and when time permits. You never know how much pride and satisfaction I’ll get when tasks are done.

However, I won’t know which equipments can be bought from where or how much they cost. I can’t keep spending hours and SMSes to contact people for outing when I’m still stuck with my work, or lack of sleep, or when the same group of people have disappointed me over and over again.

I can’t transfer files over the internet when I’ve limited bandwidth due to sharing of network with my brothers. I can’t send files when the law prohibits me to and when risk is high. I can’t open any program to look for any instruction or label when my taskbar is already crowded with my unfinished work, which will cause more lagging and even system hangs.

How I wish I can be the superman or wizard or the brainiest guy on earth to solve any problem. How would I not wish for everyone to worship or praise me because of my contribution? This happiness seems too far from now, till I regain my freedom, I finish my work, I get over rejections, I cure my injuries and I find myself.

365 days

The whole week has been hellish.

Tuesday I stayed back late for guard mounting; Wednesday I went early for Marshalling; Thursday I went damn early to set up for parade; Friday I left camp late for office duty.

Of course, this isn’t as bad as in the past. And twice, I went home slightly earlier because of my physiotherapy sessions.

Guard mounting’s music has been cancelled because commander thinks it’s pointless to stay back just for it. However, the team is going to be involved in flag lowering in future, which is unfair.

I don’t mind helping and sharing work with the lovely people from other teams but it’s logically wrong to demand this, unless everyone is going to help stay back for night training as well. Since inequality is always the trend in army, I shall not protest; and since the leaders keep quiet, I’ve no say over this.

I’ve been shagged out every day. I’ve to brush my teeth in the middle of night because of dozing off in the late evening.

365 more days to go on – I don’t know if I can take it any longer. The word ORD smells too far away.

This life has changed me so much, to a more temperate person. I’m being disappointed again and again, no matter how much efforts I’ve spent.

I’m not a debater, nor am I a good speaker. There’re too many injustice to readdress, unfairness to speak up, but not up to my capability to express and contribute.

I remember how I used to stand up for everything that shouldn’t be happening, and now that I’m too powerless to do anything. My faith staggers and my principles await prosecution.

Just 365 more days to go and I’ll stand on my feet again.

Passing by

I think I saw her again on Wednesday. I told myself not to wander off. The bus moved so quickly to lose track of her, as her figure became smaller.

Apart from other times, I couldn’t care more. There weren’t many images except those in Mayflair. Soon, everything smudged.

It wasn’t that she had turned less charming, and in fact, she was sweeter than ever. The problem was with me, the sinking heart in the cold dead sea, causing all the unaffectionate.

It was a great start to prevent dejection.