Skai Chan
I’ve eyes but I can’t see; I’ve hands but I can’t feel; I’ve a heart but I can’t care; I’ve a concern but nobody can answer.
There’re too many things that I can’t do and I don’t know how to do.
Can you instead see my glum, hear my sighs and touch my heart?
Sometimes I just feel tired when I can’t be heard.
It had been long since I last had a slip. By the time we went out, everyone had given red light except the four of us. My pretty birthday girl who used to celebrate every year’s birthday together with me was stuck at Huiyi’s house and couldn’t join us.
Since I was already quite shag and together with the cough effect, disappointment and Andy’s chewing gum, I didn’t have much to say.
I hadn’t drunk so fast and so much before. It was nothing at first until the alcoholic effect rose to my head and I was numb all over. My heart started to bump so fast. The pub girl came over to join in the fun, challenging me to more glasses. I knew I couldn’t take it anymore, but didn’t want to spoil the fun since the gathering was all for me.
No longer could I hear things sharply. She made me drink up one more glass to exchange for a kiss and I bottomed it up while my head was still swinging.
True enough, she came over by my side but my hesitation made use of the fact that I was drunk to rest my heavy head on the small table.
I tried hard each day to live my day to the fullest; I tried to be wild and rebellious, and never be the toy of love again. Though I had failed, I was no longer a little boy anymore; at least not so conservative to reject a free kiss from a babe.
She went on with her words and I never wanted to be looked down, nor would I want to lose this opportunity. I got up more for the sake of the thrill than the temptation, and waited to see what she was going to do. She thrust over and bended her head down to give a peck on my neck.
Luckily it was just the neck, even though I’d enjoy more if she moved upwards. It wasn’t good to take advantage of a girl who might be sacrificing just for her job. So, I realised I need to work harder to turn myself more bastard.
Severe recurrence came about my mind again. It was just my dream to get a kiss before my death during my secondary school days. I could sense how silly I was. A guy who could sweet talk fluently could easily get that from different girls and I was the fool trying to give my best sincerely and devotedly, sounding so uninteresting to gain any sympathy.
It was my promise to myself that I wouldn’t take alcohol anymore; even during parties or celebration, when my friends or mum offered me, I’d been disciplining myself well. I wasn’t a good drinker in the first place.
My first burp instigated some puke into my mouth. I threw up inside the toilet and thought it was over already. I didn’t drink anymore and we started playing Daidee. It was difficult to pick the cards up when my whole body was so numb and the bottle, jugs and glasses were blocking my view. I won a few games and stopped when my head got heavier.
After some rest, the sudden vomiting stink the place. My jeans were disgustingly decorated and I couldn’t walk out helplessly. Being supported out of the pub, I puked near the door immediately and then moved farther down to give another hellish shot on the ground, throwing up almost all my dinner. I could even see the black small seeds of the Dragon food I took before I left my house.
I gave off the last one, feeling so uncomfortable that as if I almost threw my lungs out as well. I kneeled down there with my hands, face, nose, pouch and shirt in a mess, and of course my jeans were the most pitiful one.
It was this cruel fact of life, that no matter how drunk I was, my mind was still functioning properly, which seemed like stabbing me so hard. Drinking was certainly not a good way to escape problems, because when you got so bad smell all over, suffering, looking worst than a stray dog, the sadness was still there.
I went back into the toilet to clean myself up. I had to take off my jeans to wash using the flush. It took so long to clear almost all the undigested stuffs away. The worst thing was to have an attendant inside the toilet to make me feel so awkward. He asked me the obvious question after I went in the second time and I smiled to him in my unpleasantness.
I got back to the seat, which was cleaned up already, except for the floor still having the obscene stuffs. I’d lost my sense of smell in my gruesome body. There were smells of puke, alcohol, as well as smoke. I began to shiver immediately.
I walked out from the pub, to farther down the road, where I sat there to rest. Andy came out soon but went in again to leave me alone. That was where I observed the night life.
Some people were supported out to puke, and even though they couldn’t even walk properly, they could hold it better than me and not do it inside the pub. Around a quarter of the girls I saw are gorgeous looking, half were average and the remaining was just slightly poor graded.
Was that the kind of life I should be seeking for? Since the world was wide and there were so many pretty girls around, why should I make myself suffer all these years? Since the holy and innocent looking girls often turned out to be bitches, why should I resume my ways of judging people?
My teeth were shivering the whole morning. I had my last puke just besides me, a little portion, but that didn’t make me feel comfortable enough.
At least I knew who the ones who were nice to me were. Four was a company.
明天不要来，因为我不知往哪走。二十二岁的我因该自信，因该坚强，更因该开扩明日的路线。
一个人害怕寂寞。
It could be the weirdest day to see me out alone on the street. It was time for a change since nobody else really had the same interest and I had to learn to do some self entertainment.
I landed at the designated place – the big Popular shop at Chinatown.
Having a fetish for writing pads with good design, I siege at that section. I browsed through almost all the different designs, including the inner parts and they seemed to be persuading me to bring them home. On the second thought, I knew that I wouldn’t bear to use them, therefore I shouldn’t let them turn yellowish at my house.
I came across some 26-rings folders with the refills of blank papers below the shelf. I wondered how long could the file last since my plan was to use it as my note book. And since I was mainly using it for draft work, I didn’t need such nice papers.
I looked at the pencils, colour pencils, crayons and drawing papers, I really wished I could spend some time drawing and discover any potential.
I stopped by the CD section, peeped at the CD casings, but the purchase wasn’t my problem. It wasn’t my responsible to burn CDs for friends and provide them the nice casings. I shouldn’t have thought about buying them in the first place.
I approached the keyboard section. There were multimedia keyboards of various brands. I needed one to replace my old one which I had to press the “N” key so hard each time; but most of the time I probably had to use the “backspace” to redo the typing. However, none of them interested me. None of them also worth more than the one my brother had for himself.
Some light sticks and glow in the dark items caught my eyes. Things were always beautiful but not the price.
I found a laptop casing, which I wanted to buy since long ago. But I didn’t know the size of my laptop anymore; I wasn’t using it as often, not wanting to torture it with the long hours of usage time. The incurable stains and scratches on the top made me wonder if it still worth to spend the big sum of money on a casing.
I saw some pencil casings, I remembered some time back I was going to get one, however, I couldn’t remember what was it for and I currently no longer required one.
I walked the whole stationary section one round again, and then proceeded to the dictionary section.
At first I was just trying to see if they still sell an old brand of Chinese dictionary with the “四角号码” searching method. I was distracted by some English to Chinese and Chinese to English translation dictionaries; I had a tiny English to Chinese one, but not both. I often used the internet to do the translation for me but it couldn’t be possible when I was out; but if I wanted to get a travel one, it was too small to contain enough contents.
I was fascinated by some Chinese Proverb and Idiom dictionaries; they made me miss the period of time when my Chinese was of a better standard. I wanted to get them but the price of each was around thirty bucks.
I grabbed a “康熙字典” (Kanghsi – historical China’s emperor) but couldn’t understand what it was about. Then, some weird noise seriously annoyed me. It took me some time to realise it was from an old man and I wondered was he sick or if he was doing it on purpose. As the noise volume increased, I realised he was burping.
I moved on to the other reading sections, glancing at the Romance of the three Kingdoms books. There was one which I could read and understand so easily and the price was less than eight bucks, but the quality of paper was lousy. I wondered if I had the need to buy one since I didn’t have the time to read.
I spotted another one each highlighted some of the interesting facts of the heroes. Finally my legs could no longer take me on and I sat down like most of the people around were doing, reading through one of the chapters before I left the section.
I glanced through a book which teaches how to play “围棋” (a type of Chinese chess), managed to roughly know how to play it. I had a quick stop at the books of design and then paper folding.
It was eight and I was hungry. I walked off from my little paradise, on the dark street alone. It was my Deepawali.
Sometimes, a little simple mistake would drift you away from someone. When you realise it, too late to make up for the lost time, you just wonder will things ever be the same again.
Life’s never a smooth path, especially for devoted souls; life’s never simple for perseverance, because for years you press on you receive nothing and when you’ve given up, you realise there’s something more you can do.
You close your eyes and try to ease your mind, nothing seems to get better. You don’t know what to do.
It wasn’t a good feeling when the room’s door was locked. The two computers and a laptop were out of reach. I couldn’t even take my clothes and towel from the wardrobe and therefore I couldn’t bath. I wanted to go out for some photo taking but the camera stand was inside too. I took Jack down for a walk and did some workout to strengthen my injured knees. The door was still locked. I dozed off in the other room again.
It was a bad start of a day.
It has been for the past nearly twenty-two years. I’ve ever planned anything for my birthday. It’s sad due to the fact that I can’t afford to waste money because my family isn’t well-to-do.
I don’t really care much about the celebration because I’m not a special person. However, being naive, I always hope to have a special girl celebrating with me.
The first time my brother and his friends organised a party at my house, I didn’t appreciate it, because I hoped my first celebration to be with my girl. After my training in the rain, I reached the corridor and felt something amiss; I climbed up to reach the top of the windows and saw the crowds. Then I ran off.
It’s always a good excuse to invite girls out during birthday so that they won’t have the heart to reject. But weirdly, over the years I haven’t succeeded once.
Being a failure in love, it has been such a shame to me. Perhaps, I won’t have felt dejected if I haven’t put in so much effort each time. However, as time goes by, I’ve resorted to hide the fact that I’m a loser, so as to feel more comfortable, as well as to release stress.
Sometimes I sound so confident and arrogant when conversation is about girls; sometimes I download pictures of babes from internet and claim that they’re my girlfriends. I laugh all over when some friends actually believe in my craps.
Often, I’m so envious of my buddies being able to discharge their single-hoods. On their days, I try hard to get babes for the parties. As for myself, I’m always so unlucky.
I was so used to everything, until this day, on my twenty-first birthday, I was sleeping in this stinky hole dug by myself in the field. These were the most terrible days of my life. The sadness has been carved on my heart so deeply, that it aches so badly each time I take a moment of rest, because everyone on their twenty-first would have their beloved ones by their sides.
These days I rot and rot, for things not within my control. The world is wide while my knowledge is shallow. I fail to anticipate for the unexpected; each time I set my mind off for a better day ahead, the clouds turn dark. Rain or shine, the worst always comes in.
It has come to a point of time that I almost turn berserk. I’m numbed by the outbreaks of insanity, too cold to feel anything. I’ve lost my ability to react to the wilds and unrest, and soon, the skill to survive.
I’m drifting away too far from each of my friends, especially those who I’ve braved through rain and storm with. Each of them has their own life by then, with their blossom friends or girlfriends-soon-to-be. Few have the intention to get back again. There have been too much that I’ve done, at least within my little influence.
I no longer have the enthusiasm to step into the community centre anymore. Sundays are wasted again and again although I’ve been complaining about lack of time to finish up my personal work. I’m sick of child-play games. It’s such a shame that everytime we don’t even have twelve men to have a serious set of game. I’ve problems playing with girls and outsiders on the same side of court.
Before we tear down the net, some of the people have already left. I hate this type of commitment. If this is the kind of lifestyle everyone is looking forward to, I need a long period of time to adjust my mindset. Before I succeed in tuning myself, I might have changed my priority of life.
I prefer going to the beach most of the time with the reluctant number of people we’ve now. However, we always disperse. I never get what I want. I try to get only a small number of people, they prefer to go back to the community centre instead. Then, the outsiders disappoint me the second time and this time we pathetically have to call off the day.
This Wednesday, I stayed overnight in camp with Kwang Han, sharing the bunk with Hendren, who kindly took us in. It was all for the parade in the early Thursday morning.
Dinner was at the MacDonald’s with Kwang Hang and Rehan, after which, Hendren joined in. The only entertainment was to look at girls, especially the cashier, who we dared Rehan to approach. The scenery wasn’t good, except for a skinny girl who went for studying. After Rehan left, Kwang Han abandoned us to play games with his friend.
Hendren and I went back to camp. It wasn’t the first time I stayed in camp ever since passing out from course, but this bunk was more presentable than Ganesan’s one. Lying on the bed, I couldn’t help thinking of the past, the only period of time in the army which I enjoyed – signal course.
I missed the time when we looked into Terry’s phone to see the message “I’ll make you happy..”, laughed over Siyan’s job to write a report for the platoon everyday and got scolded by Mohan for his block letters and uncreativeness, Tze Keong drew some craps to create laughers and Wilson finished the combat ration which suspected rats had given a bite.
I couldn’t forget Xiangxin sharing his candies with me, Kenneth came into my bunk to lie down on Nelson’s bed or get food which everyone disliked, Jasper frequently came in to make sure I wasn’t bored and Tianlong accompanied the sickly me when everyone else had gone for night out.
I remembered the nights we secretly played Uno cards together at the empty room next door until midnight, the night we went up to level six and failed to haunt for ghosts, we teased Ganasan for buying VCDs from a sweet girl from Laserflair and Terry abandoned us to have dinner with his not-pretty friend at the Pizza Hut.
I dozed off early. The bed was actually more comfortable than my house’s.
Have you tried putting a tube into your mouth, through your throat and into your stomach?
It was a sucky day. Early in the morning I heard Shep wasn’t pleased that Rajoo had signed my off pass for the previous day and the problem was he did it in his own account, moreover, she wasn’t around so often. I didn’t know what the big fuss is about. Almost everyone seemed to be able to communicate with me and understand me a little, except for her.
I tried to get 007 to sign my off pass since Shep wasn’t around, but he insisted me to wait. I explained that I needed to go home to get changed first, therefore needed to leave earlier, but he wasn’t compassionate at all. After an awkward scene, I finally went back to Rajoo to sign it.
I went to the new medical officer finally to update my status. After explaining all my pains and showing him my x-ray films, he refused to give me any medical status. He only would do something if the specialist had said anything. Therefore, I had to go for the upcoming range. When I asked him for some cough syrup for my more than three months of coughing, he didn’t ask anything about it. I asked the medic if I could find out if I were on the waiting list for downgrade as promised by Captain Kenneth, he said this ORDed guy bullshitted to everyone a few months ago.
At least, I got to go home in time, met up with my mum and left for the hospital. I was weak all over since I hadn’t taken any food since midnight. After registering at the counter, I dozed off for a while on the sofa. It was around forty-five minutes later; I went in for the challenge.
There were four persons inside the room. The first thing I asked for was a blanket. I tried to find out everything, the procedure and my after condition, which made me sound like a coward. It didn’t matter, as long as I went on with it. Something was sprayed into my throat to numb it and then my worst fear, the needle, went into the back of my right palm. They stuffed something into my mouth and it began.
My view was somehow blocked by one of their hands but I knew the tube was going in. It wasn’t long before I could feel something inside my stomach. Occasionally I felt like vomiting but they tried to calm me down. Soon, it ended. They took the equipments off my body, including the pressure checker on my thumb and the needle.
I was pushed to the resting area but soon, one of the nurses told me to give up my bed. I sat on the floor to put on my shoes, having the same feeling as when I was drunk. I had some biscuits and tasteless Milo which burnt my tongue. Next was some conversation with a few friendly middle aged nurses and an auntie waiting outside for her relative. I had to pay four bucks for warding.