Dear Dreams

He never realised he was creating so much entertainment. He knew he want it but he showed so much sensation that he didn’t need to go. Then he turned 180 degrees in just a moment later, stating he should go as to exercise, which he usually would walk and not run.

I knew it he would make a mess. He hadn’t thought about others’ feeling and when they were busy, he hid around. He knew nothing much of the agony, and of course not the full details he needed to know.

Not a fool would stand in for him. Let him rot. I could see the fears he had, the first time I witnessed how his signature look like, but a dog would never kick his habits. Sometimes, he just left his vacation unattended, showing no fear at all. I didn’t know how lucky he could get, until his loophole was exposed.

He still managed to escape from work in the end, to somewhere he would shed less sweat, where he could laze around. I couldn’t be bothered as long as I had done my part.

It was me again and I stayed back. I should have left two hours earlier, right after flag lowering. It was crap, for Ivan had allowed the last minute request to change the classrooms.

I don’t know why it’s Tuesday again. Ivan said it was the last time he would allow last minute change. The fact was that Shep had already promised to ban this since weeks ago.

I didn’t know who’s to be blame, because Ivan couldn’t have done it on purpose. But why could the request for the next few days be denied and not today’s?

Two weeks ago, I had suffered 3 consecutive nights, and that someone owed me a duty to cover. There wasn’t night lesson for the IKC2 week and he offered to return, when he was supposed to stay anyway for it. I was soft-hearted then, but obviously not a fool except for being nice.

The IKC2 week of course was rubbish as well. I was placed inside the office to do more shit than those sitting around at the parade square, even could hide away from the tentage to slack. I had medical appointments on the last 2 days, but the 3 other shitty days inside the office was totally ignored. Some people loved to show off their OFFs.

I didn’t mind staying back as long as there’re fairness, television set and the Internet, however, I was going to be the only one staying for this week. Nobody would take into account. This planning of duty was obviously imperfect.

For the whole morning, I was so busy, and repeatedly sent out of the office. Some people were just slacking around, laughing about and playing computer games for most of the time.

With the facts that I couldn’t carry any heavy load and that Shep had promised and announced I shouldn’t be doing it, I was still involved in the shifting of all the pathetic old, rusty, bulky and heavy radio equipments. I hated them as much as the phobia I had for them, yet somehow, someone was trying to push the responsibility to me.

I hated myself for having the injuries. In the past when I tried all my means to help carry things, nobody had rewarded or even praised me. Since I had bad injuries, so many people added on agony when I was already feeling so low for my incapability. Even moving of a projector from the cupboard caused so much aching to my back.

When I checked back at the keypress book, there were so many missing signatures. Sometimes, human would make mistake and forget to sign, but I knew well nobody except me would check the rooms, that was why nobody dared to sign when they issue or receive the keys, except me – they feared something would go wrong.

If anyone were to check the keypress book, more than half of the signatures when I was present should be mine, unless someone filled the blanks after a day or week or even months. In the end, when things cocked up, it was only me bearing responsibility for rooms I had signed for, while the other rooms would be shared.

And suddenly I noticed, my name would be mentioned sometimes when I wasn’t responsible for things. Somehow, everyone was so afraid of getting blamed, hoping my poor memory would make me admit to save them.

I was so unlucky that the SPECS MESS burger was sold out after the flag lowering. But the auntie was so sweet to sell me a chicken bread for a dollar and gave me an extra poh pia. That helped me delay my gastric pain.

Before I left for home, I sent Shep a message as instructed by Chen De. I included “please don’t worry”, which caused a debate over my mind throughout the journey. Would she really care for me or it was just her responsibility to ensure I was safe when I was inside the camp?

Why should I care and be so afraid to bother others? I didn’t want to message her in the first place.

Often, when you ask someone to do something, it’ll never be done; no one knows how important it is other than you and no one is so stupid to sacrifice like you.

I see the need to do things by myself. Over the years, I’ve experienced and seen many successful stories. I’m being taught the importance of overseeing everything by myself.

It’s not that I don’t trust, but people keep failing me. It’s also my responsibility to spot mistakes.

But I’ve been on my own. Problems befall daily and it’s more than a challenge to being able to handle them. Sometimes I do get tired. I try to close my eyes and leave everything for reliable people; nothing seems to work out right.

Must I really handle everything on my own? I’m a man, not a million; I’ve a pair of hands, not a thousand. I’m a man, not a saint; not an influence to everyone to get things done.