To accept, to adapt

It has been a few months since I go out nearly everyday during weekends. It is very tiring for me since I still cannot really adapt to this lifestyle. I used to spend every weekend at home unless there is volleyball at beach or somewhere else like at Unity Secondary or Bukit Merah Community Centre.

It is good to socialize but I can find the tension on my pocket and the amount of time burnt; moreover, I’m so into my websites and writing that I have to gasp for every little breathe I can spend at home. I’m so easily distracted by television programmes and the army has greatly reduced the speed of my thinking process that I’m not able to catch up with everything.

I have so many outdated journal entries I wish to complete, but I have to set them aside while I update the newer ones first. Till this moment, I have an entry about the Johor trip last year unwritten.

Stress could be one of the reasons that are slowing me down. I’m just like a little kid, wanting all that I want, being so stubborn like a bull. I want to create beautiful sites, write stories, learn server-side programming, update every interesting or memorable things that happen to me in details, I want to learn to draw artistically, I want to go swimming once every week, I want to edit photos; I want so many things that I cannot fulfil at a short period that they seem to cause depression on me.

So now, I doze off at least thrice per week just as I’m taking a break or to rest my injured back. I wake up to hate myself for not finishing my targeted tasks.

I do not know what is wrong with me nowadays as I’m behaving like a weakling; I used to stay up late each night until near daylight and I would never feel tired. Is age catching up on me or enthusiasm has been slain by the ugly facts of world?

I keep wishing that I have 48 hours per day but my dream makes me a naïve man. I wish that I need not bath, shit and sleep so that I have extra time; or rather, I wish that I will never feel tired.

I reflect on myself daily that I must face the reality of life and accept all the damn good or bad things that I can never be able to change; I do not want to be an ignorant kid anymore.

Skai Chan @ http://sillydumb.com

Night biking

[Thursday, 13 April, 2006]

One thing weird about cycling is that my arms are aching more than my legs now.

It was the first time I cycled alone over such a long distance on the roads – from Tanjong Pagar to Strathmore Avenue. The last time I took a ride on my brother’s mountain bike was when I was in secondary school, travelling only from Tanjong Pagar to Spottiswoode Park.

To begin off, the bicycle was left untouched for quite long that both the tyres had already deflated. My elder brother was so nice to help me with the preparation but realised the air plump was spoilt. Then, he told me I could already push it to the petrol station at the other side of the International Plaza, which I could get them done for free.

I did as told, but took a long time to find it for its location was actually quite bad that it was the first time in my life I ever saw them though I stayed so near. The Indian guy was quite busy that he told me to do it myself. So, I helplessly took the tube and stood like a fool there until he came over when business was finally down. This night I learned something new.

After all the rushing, I was already quite tired. My legs were very tiring since beginning and I never knew how I managed to complete the journey. Good for me the bike had good suspension that I bounced my butts on purpose.

Luckily there were fewer vehicles than in the day, but enough to obstruct me. It was a very good experience. Somehow, my driving experience told me how dangerous and irritating it was for cyclists to be on the road.

I was at a loss when I needed to make right turns; I did not know if I should move to the right side like when I was driving 3-tonner or remain on the left since cycling was pathetic slow.

I became weaker after taking some alcohol and for more than twice I almost hit the curbs by less than a centimetre’s distance. I managed to survive till home afterall.

I guessed my arms were aching because of the heavy weight of the bicycle that I needed to use more strength to keep it straight.

Skai Chan @ http://sillydumb.com

I saw her

[Sunday, 09 April, 2006]

I forget to say…

This Sunday, I saw Ta-m-my!

She was taking the MRT from Bugis to Cityhall direction and then changed to the North-South line. She alighted at either Dhoby Ghaut or Somerset station.

I recognised her from the decent photos from the URL that Ben Lu had sent me. She was absolutely pretty and gorgeous.

I was quite lucky that Kok Chiang and I missed the earlier train at Bugis that Weitat and Anqi managed to hop onto. Kok Chiang was noticing her all along till Cityhall and probed me when we met up with Weitat and Anqi. I was so shocked, “Yea yea yea yea… it’s her!”

I would not be so excited even if I had seen a big superstar on the street. We could have started a fan club for her.

Skai Chan @ http://sillydumb.com

A little walk

[Tuesday, 11 April, 2006]

I took a little walk down from Bukit Purmei back to Tanjong Pagar. The routes which familiar faces appeared in my illusions posted pictures of places I used to pass by but never taken closer looks at.

I stopped randomly to look around; I did not know what was in my mind.

I recalled the Purmei trips to Bianhong’s house, playing with his sisters and even had to entertain him with soccer at the void deck. We talked about so many things, inclusive of relationships.

I passed by Silat, somewhere the community centre was located at, where I had a dumb competition at years ago with the GESS volleyballers. I remembered Peiqin’s twenty-first birthday party where large groups of ex GESSians were at her place.

I came across the prata shop at Kampong Bahru Road, the place where I dined at during camps in school; then I reached the paths where I used to pass by when I was fetching Zhouhuan after her school.

Next was the route 2.4km run was trained at and the long road down towards the bus 75 bus-stop which I always took with Irwin and others.

A peaceful night, though it took more than an hour to reach my place.

Heartable.

The moon at Purmei.

Way down.

Cross-or-not.

Sunny moon.

From far.

Evening of the lonely bridge.

Dash the night.

Silent railway tracks.

Silat.

Familiar stroll.

The old-time Kampong Bahru Road.

Towards the T-junction.

Stairs for the rainy days.

The old school route.

Carpark.

Mini forest in the dark.

Photographer’s loneliness.

Used-to-be flat land.

7pm wait.

Tanjong Pagar Railway station.

The glory sign of Cantonment Towers.

Yan Kit Road 1.

Yan Kit Road 2.

The renovated bridge 1.

The renovated bridge 2.

Skai Chan @ http://sillydumb.com

The winner is…

I cannot understand why jerks are always at the upper hand; luck never seems to abandon them even for a short moment.

I never like to feel this way that perseverance is useless but sometimes I really fail to psycho myself into acknowledging.

I hate to feel dizzy when I do not need to, especially when I cannot afford to.

These assholes are causing harms not only to girls, but to me as well.

It is absolutely stupid to fall deeply in love with two girls at one time and you ask one to wait for you for a year.

Bullshit.

This is getting too dramatic that I’m beginning to find it redundant, forcing me to curse and swear, to lose the very last sanity I have.

Isn’t it weird that you fall so madly in love with a bastard and you claim that you cannot lose him, but still manage to survive a few years later, or even in the arms of another bastard?

I have immune to this child-like game of mankind. Have you?

Skai Chan @ http://sillydumb.com

Eventful day – 110304

Saturday, 11 March, 2006, a full day of events rounded up my day.

It began with Fredrick waking me up for the cycling outing at ECP (East Coast Park). I did not really want to go since the past few days were tough for me and that I was very lack of sleep; but I never wanted to disappoint them.

At least they dragged so long that I was given time to slack. I hopped on the bus 196 at Cantonment Road to join them. Then, the few of us inclusive of Ivan, Rueben, Rehan, Fredrick and his girlfriend began with breakfast at the MacDonald’s.

Outings would never be missing of girls-watching when I was around. The few of us crapped about a group of people with an only lucky guy. One of the girls with bandaged ankle was quite pleasant looking, not so mesmerizing, but enough for us to play stalking.

We sped up and slowed down in order to account for everyone. We saw big tortoise near the pavement, we passed by the spot where Sam fell to bleed, we paused at the entrance to Changi Safra Resort, then we were stopped by some rangers who claimed that there was a huge bee hive nearby.

We ended up at the East Coast Lagoon food centre to replenish our thirst. The one dollar big packet of coconut juice was an icy medicine to dehydration. Somehow, I could not finish it.

We set on to a race with Rehan who suddenly sped up so fast that I could not catch up with him. We reached the other end of ECP before turning back to return the bicycle. We camped at the MacDonald’s after that and saw two future chiobus with their parents – both Ivan and I were very impressed because they seemed to be only in primary school.

Next destination was the IT fair at Suntec City. The crowd almost got us truck at some places. The Nintendo girls were in white again, some like the previous time I went. This time, there was an X-Box girl dressed up like an animated girl. One weird thing was that the pretty salesgirls were only lookable in some angles.

We walked around as Fredrick was finding his RAM for his camera. I was looking for XD card but it could not be found in all the booths that sold the memory cards. I was interested in the price of a webcam which was less than twenty bucks but could not get to see the model before we left.

Next mission was our lunch and the final destination was set at Carls Junior. As I was not trained to take expensive food, such that I did not know how to appreciate them, the meal set was a waste of money.

I set off alone to Kovan MRT in the late afternoon. The down pouring rain caught me off guarded. It was terrifying like typhoon, soaking everyone badly under the huge bus shelter. I met up with Yongming as we wet to look for Lynn together.

The rest arrived one after another in pairs. It kind of resembled a socializing function, of a more formal one. The most popular question was to ask about how was the army’s life.

Skai Chan @ http://sillydumb.com

After he leaves

My younger brother had enlisted and joined my sucky lifestyle last Saturday. I hoped he would not have a major change in character upon experiencing all the cruelty and ugly side of life.

I did not send him off as I had a tournament at the beach; moreover, my neighbours, who had not stepped into Tekong before wished to join in the fun and that my mum did not reject.

So, his two female friends, my mum and the Auntie and Uncle went together though there were only two tickets. I was sure they would not mind three “relatives” but five seemed too awkward somehow.

Young girls, especially pretty ones, however, were advisable not to go since the sergeants there were known to be eyeing girls and trying to get contacts from the new recruits. It was a trend and definitely a form of entertainments for them.

I had tried to help him whenever possible but preparation was quite simple. I bought him a torch cum with jack knife and other tools for his convenience; I had to take a loan from Jonshit in camp as my wallet was empty last week.

The problem begins.

I dislike talking too much. I’m so different from in the past but it is just part of growing up. The isolation emerges most probably after witnessing so much reality in life.

Somehow, I have communication problems with my mum as she can never understand what I say. I’m always busy in front of the computer whenever I’m at home and sometimes when I’m so stressed, she still continues to ask stupid questions like the storyline of the television show when I’m not even watching. There are endless examples to the miscommunication.

Usually, my younger brother was the one talking to her and now that he is gone, she will definitely be lonelier. I do not know what to do.

And since my mum is such a simple-minded person sometimes, I’m so worried that she will be fooled by others easily.

Troubles after troubles.

Skai Chan @ http://sillydumb.com

Sunsetbay's competition

Yesterday marked the end of the two-day competition organised by Sunsetbay itself. Forty bucks per team of five including a reserve player and each team required a girl to be in court at all times.

My team consisted of Anqi, Kok Chiang, Weitat and Kachua (last minute replacement of Mingfa). Kachua was actually the initial player I had invited but he thought he was not free at first. I did not pin any high hope since Tze Khit refused to play.

On the first day, we were supposed to meet at 8.30am for breakfast. Poor Kok Chiang reached earlier and since I knew it was a usual practice for everyone to be late, I settled for 9am instead. Anqi was extremely late, which was very much expected, to think that she was the one who asked us to go early to warm up.

“Team Neo” the name was come up by Andy Khoo. I never expected us to be so unlucky to be seeded in with Huiyong’s team inclusive of Kunhan; before registration, I was told that they were not joining. The other teams in the same grouping were regulars of the beach and were quite strong.

I really hoped we could play better but it was impossible when everyone had rusted so much. Other than Weitat, everyone had not touched “real” volleyball for so long. I played the setter role in place of Mingfa, whereas, we had only a spiker each time; Weitat and Anqi were playing defensive and Kachua swapped with Kok Chiang over matches.

The carrying of heavy loads in camp on last Thursday had weakened my back so much that I failed to coordinate my body well; Kachua was almost a stranger to volleyball that his stamina was never as good as in the past and definitely; Kok Chiang could never be as firm as in the past; Anqi involved too much in her social life and lost touch with volleyball since a year ago whereas Weitat was somehow cursed.

Overall, Kachua was our only scorer, but he was never a deadly threat to opponents other than weakening them with his soft spiking; perhaps, we needed two Kachua in order to terrorize them totally, or maybe I could grow ten more centimetres that I could block the attacks well. At least, we did quite well in some games and almost freaked the opponents out.

We were slackers actually.

So, we watched some teams played with lousy opponents and then got into more rounds, while we shook our heads to curse luck and crapped about everything we could see. Somehow, Weitat and Anqi had the most number of lame jokes.

Shauna’s presence on the first day was the biggest gift I could receive. She gladly helped me to take photos when we were in the court. There were basically three girls I was looking at – the sweet setter previously from St.hildas, the cool angmohish girl (maybe ex PHS) and the most attractive girl with superb figure and cute looks from some angles.

Boobs were never the highest priority that I would look at a girl, but they were definitely very high value added. This girl was the rarest one you could see in Singapore as her waist was not big like those booby girls out there who would definitely grow fat in years to come. To others, they would only stare at her boobs; but for me, even her asset was not big I would still admire her for she really looked good in some angles.

It was too bad that I did not approach her.

Skai Chan @ http://sillydumb.com

The office phobia and disheartened

I’m beginning to hate this type of life tremendously; I grow sick and disgusted of all the daily crappy work. Apart from this, I also have to put up with morons who can call shots just because they foolishly signed on and the organisation had no choice but to promote them after a period of time. Alas, I have to pretend smiling at them even when they do not deserve any respect at all.

Needless to say, there are more kind and helpful people around but this is not enough to wipe out all the shit.

I hate regimental; I hate rules and regulations. I hate being forced to keep hair neat when I myself wish to, only if time and wealth permit. I hate the requirement to pay compliment to all superiors because I’m already being educated to respect the elderly; but not bastards.

For all I have tried to keep the spirit of the new guys up, others continue to take things for granted; so the trend is going to resume, till future generations they never keep up good working attitudes. All my efforts have been lying in vain, and finally I give up; I really have to.

Some choose to sleep the whole day; some just find somewhere to loiter around. Breakfast is a good excuse to stay away from the office for more than an hour; whereas a briefing is another chance to escape, especially when nobody knows when it is going to end. I know all the techniques to skive but I never believe in dumping the daily work to the rest.

I do not mind working hard if there are things to learn, but not to do shit for others who simply do not care; it somehow brings my pride down. If your seniors who work just a few months longer than you insist that they have worked enough and your juniors try to follow after being pushed jobs, are you going to be the one to clear up everything? What are you going to do if you cannot pour these out to anyone in case you will get your “friends” into troubles?

Do you know how much I have sacrificed over the past one year? Just because I believe in giving in my best, I never say no even to colleagues; if being helpful and kind is a form of submission to selfishness, they are the cause to my failure.

The place has totally ruined my life; it has wrecked my body so badly that my back and knees injuries have ascended to the worst condition I have ever had. I cannot even do a simple cleaning job without a bad aching at the end of day, needlessly to say carrying of loads. My future is a dark path, where more pains await me.

This is affecting so much of my personal life – my passion for volleyball. I can never be as flexible as in the past when my knees were normal; I can never maintain my physical after a few jumps; I can never coordinate my body with the backache. I cannot even walk without feeling my knees are falling apart.

I have this chance to seek free treatments but others try to destroy me with sarcasm and doubts. I cannot hold my x-ray films with me everyday to show anyone who tries to jerk me off, explaining that something has happened to my cord. I’m still doing all the daily shit, carrying of heavy stuffs and running of errands, even with the official letter from the doctor. This sense of responsibility is killing me because I’m using it at the wrong place.

Why am I staying at such a corrupted place? Why are the more junior batches getting promoted earlier than me? Why do they promote me twice, in a month’s time when I’m supposed to be double jumped in my rank half a year ago? They are massacring my time, pay and worst of all – my pride. They plant depression in me for the four months’ term suddenly became six months.

Skai Chan @ http://sillydumb.com