Dear Dreams – Page 219

A wasted volleyball trip

[Sunday, 09 July, 2006]

I made a waste trip down to Unity Secondary today.

I overslept but was still earlier than Kachua, Mingfa, Wilson and Weitat, and was surprised to see Tze Khit and Robin there. I did not want to go down at first but considering the fact that my team would be shortage of one player if I suddenly drop out, I dragged on my tired legs to go.

Jianhui set up two courts at the hall for the first time I had seen and his girls’ team was having their own training over one court. The presence of too many people started to wreck my dream of having a good day.

For the start I realised moving my legs was a difficult task; I could not position myself as well while receiving balls. During free spike, it was slippery at first until I got used to it I realised I could not jump as smooth as usual because I was basically strengthless already. I had to catch different timing when I could not jump high and that I was already so short, I could walk off quietly in shame after each spike which always caught the net.

When the friendly matches started, Jianhui had already selected his main team for the upcoming open cup. Mingfa, Tze Khit and Robin were of course among them. First match was against the “B” team and then followed by the rest of the players but it was never my turn. Since my performance was not good and that I was feeling so weak, I did not have the right and energy to protest.

Mingfa wanted me to play libero for his team at the third game but it was obvious that I had not been playing serious volleyball for so long that my skill had rotten from bad to worse and especially when my legs were so fragile, I rejected the offer. Besides, I was not used to play with “outsiders”.

As poor Wilson was taking his leave to go back to work as commanded by his inhuman parents, I left with him with the consideration of spending my time better when I had so many things to do.

It was the first time I did not play any match before leaving the place and I regretted badly to go down.

Injustice for rules not abided

[Saturday, 08 July, 2006]

There is uneasiness on my left middle finger. Whenever I apply force to it, whether to bend or carry things, a non-sharp pain occurs. Probably the vein is injured after carrying things two days ago.

It was a day of despising. We had to carry the VSAT equipments, the size of big crates, up to the fourth storey. Without the helps of the PES E personnel, completion would not happen so smoothly.

They were the lab technicians, even though in the force of AVA, but were more probed to handle their own equipment labs; it was quite useless to train them to handle the AVA stuffs now since they were less than half a year to ROD already. Besides, the various different types of things to be handled in AVA were too much of chores and would definitely tear them down.

PES E personnel were supposed to be excused from physical activities. It was very sad to engage their helps because since everyone thought they were in our strength and thus we were one big “sai kang” force and everything was pushed to us. It was unfair of course; however, those selfish people who were only interested in promotion or covering of their asses did not care about others.

I felt so much like taking down the process, to show everyone how those excused personnel had to sweat and risk worsening their injuries or sickness. As for me, I was going to out to work soon and was so reluctant to exert myself once again to worsen my back and legs conditions.

I hate the place because laws are always sounded so pleasing to the ears to cover up for needy people but they are never being executed or upheld.

And so, due to the heaviness and bulkiness, I have injured my finger again.

Duty on a Friday

[Friday, 07 July, 2006]

The morning HLS run was a disaster; at the very starting part I was already feeling strengthless. Previously when I was having nose and throat irritation I was still able to make a smooth run. This time, catching my breath with my nose was an impossible effort. There was also this weird sparkling burnt on top of my feet. I could only reach at around the top five placing.

There was insufficient time to recuperate before I had to go and open up the theatrette. It was however a waste of effort for nobody went. However, it was a good chance for further rest as well as quiet moment for updating of my diary.

Being distanced from the Counterstrike game, I took the opportunity of an empty seat to begin training of my eyes power but I received a call before I could even finish a round of game. It was from Jason, a rare call, and he asked about issuing of equipments. I found it really weird for he could have called the office or anyone else when he thought I was still at the theatrette (if I were there I could not even help him with anything). Alas, my seat was taken after I returned with the T-loan book.

Soon before leaving the office for lunch, there was an urgent call from the LO room, saying that the projector was down. Since the projector did not belong to us and I was not sure if that room was ruled under my branch, furthermore with Rajoo’s instruction to not help out with the sound system there a few weeks ago, we went to approach Shep for advice. I did not express all my concerns to her and she thought I was being soft and not defensive again.

After lunch, I was told to go up to the theatrette again and since it was my duty day, I accepted it. Siu Hang accompanied me as we thought it was normal lesson as scheduled in the timetable and we were shocked when Captain Phua came in to ask for television set. He wanted to set up the place for watching World Cup final on early Monday morning. We received sufficient help from Yuqing and Kwang Han soon. With the antenna brought in, we managed to get everything fixed up. Later on, 007 came as well to check after knowing that commander would be watching it too.

There were unwelcome visitors to push their lucks and partially abusing their ranks to get rooms when the timetable was already crowded. Then, we had to put some RAM forms into each of the rooms. It was gaming time after everything was done. I had a mass massacre, probably due to the release of urge to showcase my skill. It was less than two games before everyone quitted and left for home.

The desire to rush off was great as I was meeting Vivi. I thought every lesson would end very early since it was a Friday but some instructors were hardworking. When Boon came down with the final keys, Yuqing and Kwang Han returned from their AHM trial run. We were waiting to catch Yuqing’s car when Tze Siang came in, totally unprepared to leave. Boon and I went down to wait for Yuqing and after some time Kwang Han and Tze Siang decided not to keep us waiting. Rehan was in time to take the free ride at Yuqing’s car.

The Profound Parental Love

[Saturday, 01 July, 2006]

Weekends were never enough when I always spent them insanely.

I woke up early after dozing off early on Friday night and was waiting for news from Vivi for her previous night’s performance. After doing my daily stuffs of checking emails, I finally heard from her but it was not long before she had to leave her house. I went back for a nap after that.

I rushed off to Buona Vista, seeing Tzu Chi members holding direction signs all along from the control station to bus-stop, realising I did not even need to ask for direction. They had used so much manpower.

It was more than a relief to see Huiying and Carol at the bus-stop. Somehow they could not recall my name at the first few seconds. Then, Carol dumped her friend, You Ming, with me, asking me to take care of him. He was a very weird guy, the type of dreamer who would talk to himself out of sudden.

Upon reaching the NUS UCC, You Ming put his belongings down and went off without me. As time went by, I began to worry that I could not get a good seat. I went in five minutes before the performance alone and at the door, I was glad that one of the aunties remembered me.

I was sitting at a reasonably well seat until Huiying and the rest came in, I moved to the second row with them.

The performance began with a video featuring three different stories of unfortunate people. They were very touching and Huiying started crying soon. The whole performance was much better than I had expected; however, it was not easy to understand all the parts. It was great to see the final products after going through a few of the rehearsals with them.

I saw teachers bringing their young students down and was quite amazed since it would not interest them most probably and that they might not even understand anything at all; then I realised it was a good lesson for them and at least some of them could definitely understand the meaning behind – being filial.

I stayed behind after the performance in the least hope of getting to see her since she had told me she could not meet me already. I did not mind waiting and in fact was quite determined to see her. She did not pick up my calls nor did she message me back until some time later my effort was paid off.

It was then I realised it was not her last performance and she was having another repeated one later in the evening. She asked if my mum wanted to watch it and I thought it was a good idea. However, she could only get seats which were not of good view to the stage.

My mum had to abandon her work in order to attend the play. I took her to Holland Village for dinner and I paid for the whole meal; I felt grown up as she used to be paying for everything in the past. Then we proceeded to the bus-stop and took the first shuttle bus.

We were led to the left of level three at the one-sitter seats. It was a different way of watching it as we lay onto the right hand grip. Looking down was a spinning moment when the seats were mostly empty. They seemed to have delayed the play for the sake of the latecomers.

Watching it for the second time was quite an insane move. It had foiled my plan to do my other stuffs at home; it was also extremely tiring for me to stay out since the early afternoon till night.

After it ended, I had no choice but to leave since I had to send my mum home. I messaged her a few times to inform me if she was free and I did not mind going out to meet her again.

During the queue for the bus, I kept looking into the building in the hope that she would come out in time but it was just my wishful dream.

Collection of new spectacle

[Thursday, 07 July, 2006]

Finally I got back my spectacle. I was not brand conscious and thus I was just picking nice looking frames with opinions given by the salesgirl who picked the exact one which I was eyeing in the beginning.

The brand was Giacoma Puccini. I liked the parts near the joints a lot and the design there seemed brilliant. Overall, it seemed mature.

After the price was quoted at $150 plus at a discount rate of forty percent, I was shocked. My mum waved to the boss as usual like the previous ten consecutive years and he asked us to quote the price instead. My mum said $120 and he agreed immediately.

I noticed a bad finishing at the bottom of the lens but decided not to brood over it since the boss had given a great special discount just for me for he knew my family was not well-to-do.

After collecting it, I went to the Popular Bookstore to look for a holder to put name card size photos but my effort went in vain. I saw a bookmark with the design of monkey but there were only three left, which were not very well maintained. The stickers could be easily peeled off. After loitering around for a long time, considering if I should give her this small surprise, I decided to drop the idea since it would be spoilt in no time and would cause heart-aching instead.

Of money

[Thursday, 06 July, 2006]

Often, I think about the limited distance I can stretch myself out to; there are too many things I cannot do and thus I am brooded down at times.

Though there is no expectation to bring down the stars but at least be able to get things which are within my reach. There are so many little things like flowers, movie tickets, bags, shoes and shirts which are within my reach except that I cannot splurge for I need to save up for rainy days.

For many others, they do not need to worry money issues since they are born blissfully; they might not be rich but they do have wealthy parents. They have ready houses for their future spouses to move in anytime while I do not even own my own room. They do not have to worry about the ability to buy new houses in future and they do not have to earn any money in order to spend.

I look at myself and wonder how I am going to even provide for my own living in future; it is so pathetic of me.

I seriously think girls should consider more about the future of the guys before they stick together. The guys should at least be of a certain education background such that better paid jobs could be acquired, unless they are born rich.

Though money is not the most important thing on earth, we cannot do without them.

If only I could be richer.

Overtime abuse

[Wednesday, 05 July, 2006]

Usually, people would think ladies as more lenient and welfare than guys, but this theory does not fit in for my work place.

It was the first time I brought work back to home. The bloody OT book was quite big and bulky but since Shep wanted to see it early in the morning, I woke up at five plus to finish it. It was a redo work as she wanted to standardise the format, which was quite redundant already.

At first I thought it was all her ideas that the system was to be abolished until I attended the meeting with the department heads. I was so foolish that I did not guess her intention of trying to help us because since beginning she was quite supportive until new boss came. We had this big problem since she was too paranoid.

Things were still alright until some black sheep overused their wits to challenge the system. Report was shown during the previous meeting among the big farks that my branch, with the most forced labourers had the highest MC and OFF rate.

Personally I thought there was nothing wrong at all. Because of illness, the patient should rest at home and unless you doubted the professionalism of the doctors, the MCs were valid. I saw no weirdness with falling sick when most of the workers were graded unfit for physical activities and therefore bodies were weaker than normal people. As for the OFFs, most of them deserved it for their hard work.

So, the problem started with the complaining, which office politic was involved again and then the branch head decided to slaughter her men’s happiness to reduce accusation. Seriously it was pointless since there were always faults which other branches could find with; she was taking the wrong path of avoiding instead of fighting for the rights of her men, thus she was just giving in more and more to the others.

Her stand was such that her men should be on twenty-four hours standby and that each of them was just doing their job scope even if they worked overtime; thus, there should not be compensation of OFFs. She thought each of everyone of us was lucky enough to be able to go home everyday after work, unlike many others who needed to stay in. The worst of all, she thought we were even luckier that we needed not go outfields.

This naïve and selfish thought from superiors is worth more than spitting and stomping of feet, and at least a slap on their faces each.

Firstly, every human should have limited hours of work per day and she should not abuse her our resting time; and if she really wants to do it, she should compensate for them.

Secondly, we are not given any room to stay overnight whenever we like and thus we are kind of forced to go home everyday and waste our money for transportation.

Thirdly, handling a whole building could be tougher than going to the outfield for exercises; at least you are able to get to rest when you were at the outfield. Since those physically fit people are given OFFs after their exercises, why are we not?

Furthermore, we are getting so low pay each month while those foolish people who have signed contract to work longer have so much higher pay than us and thus they should work harder of course; there is no prospect at all no matter how hard we work.

If a leader does not want to accompany her men and yet does not want to reward or compensate them for doing extra work, how would she expect her men to respect her or to even work willingly?

She is being very cruel to people who stay far. How would you feel if you had to go to work early in the morning before sunrise and only get home hours after sunset for more than once a week? For Ah Boon’s case, it is at least twice per week.

What is fairness and what is human right? What is this corrupted organisation trying to prove to the rest of the population? Though I am left with less than three months to end this suffering, I cannot disregard the fact that future generations are going to be tortured.

My stupidity

[Wednesday, 05 July, 2006]

It was a Wednesday, the day I would usually meet up with Vivi. However, I was jinxed this time that she had tuition in the evening and that we could not get to see each other. I got so jealous of her cousin who her mum made her go out with in the afternoon.

Just after I had set my aim to sleep and work on my website for the whole day, she gave me a call and asked if I wanted to meet up with her. It might sound ridiculous since we had only twenty minutes left before she had to rush home. I looked at the clock and informed her the time and she was shocked. I did not say anything and she presumed we should drop the idea of meeting; I was too lost for words. Just after we put down the phone, I decided I should take this chance to at least get to see her.

Since she was going home from Bugis, I planned to take the MRT at TG Pagar instead of walking to Outram Park directly so that I could get to see her earlier. At my speedy feet, I hurried towards the MRT station but the traffic was a nuisance. I could be tired or blinded that just before a fast incoming car passed by, I crossed the road and the opposite crossing pedestrians blocked my way to the centre curb, which stalled me from taking off from the tars area. There was no room for the thought of how much hatred those inconsiderate people had towards me as I picked up my speed again.

As the only escalator at that exit was under servicing, passengers were forced to take the stairs up, causing congestion. I was delayed a while as I took up my phone and gave a call to her. She did not pick it up and I retried more than four times and finally lost my concentration and slowed down.

I could not help feeling unlucky that she had already reached Outram MRT and that my plan to meet her earlier not only failed, but made me suffer a greater delay. The train went off right in front of me when I was holding on to the phone and I had to wait for another four minutes for the next train; I could have reached Outram MRT faster by walking there straight away. My frustration jeered at my stupidity and I hated myself for the wrong choice made. I could at least call her earlier to inform her that I could meet her at TG Pagar MRT station.

Right after alighting at Outram, I paced towards the Northeast line and met up with her. There was not much time left as she had to rush for her tuition and I could only walk her home. To the usual bus-stop near Chinatown, we cherished each other’s companion. It was only when seeing her I started to cool down and regain my calm.

She did not mind sacrificing her time to chat with me downstairs her house, having to rush more, but her siblings were unfortunately there too.

It was just my luck.

Server down again

[Wednesday, 05 July, 2006]

The first time I was told that my site was down after I switched the server, I did not believe it at all. I thought it was the problem with StarNet since it was constantly blocking sites randomly.

When I was home, there was times when the site was really down. Even the FTP could not work as well. Then, I still thought the server was marvellous because it cost Mike more than two hundred bucks per month – a dedicated one.

Until today, I failed to view the page again and I realised it was not a good sign. I waited and it just did not recover like the previous time in minutes.

I sent a message to Mike and was very demoralised when he told me that this server was always unstable. He told me he would assign me to another server instead but he was not home yet.

After some time, he told me it could be due to DOS attack. So, I assumed some jealous smart asses were trying to stop him from making more money.

It was a frustrated afternoon. I hated my site to be down because visitors might think it would be down forever but I could not help it. It added on to my other problems and I realised the urge to find ways to keep my calm.

Second Ultrasound scan

[Wednesday, 05 July, 2006]

I set off to SGH directly from camp for the first time due to time constraint. I had bought a pair of leather shoes from the E-Mart using credits the day before but I had forgotten to bring them home, and thus my load was heavier this time. In fact, it was the first time my poor black Adidas bag was squeezed so badly that the zips might be spoilt anytime. I hesitated so long to go home first since the bag was really heavy and bulky as my boots and uniforms were also inside.

Many ignorant friends would be so shocked since Ultrasound was known to be only for pregnant women to check on their unborn babies; I could not blame them since I was not sure of the wonders of the machine as well.

I reached the place around fifteen minutes earlier. I waited for more than an hour to go into the internal waiting area to continue with my waiting. By the time I was called to go in, I was no longer bothered about the time taken since it was already so long that I had lost track of the duration.

This time, I needed not change into their sexy bath gown as I was doing the scanning only for my left calf. The operator placed the jelly-like cream onto my left calf and then the scanning proceeded on. The handset looked like those that were used to scan barcode at cashiers. The system had more keys than a normal keyboards and the operator seemed to be so busy pressing and scrolling it. I could not understand the screen.

The doctor was asked in and after some investigation, he announced that the lump was born within me and not a fatal tumour or whatever shit; blood was flowing through it. Then he said the Orthopaedic would do a further explanation and MRI would be done first before deciding whether an operation should be done. This meant further dragging on of my condition.

I went home so exhausted with my belonging after that.